Nerds of Yore: Part 3

Not-Little John of Sherwood

One of the most illustrious nerds of yore was Not-Little John of Sherwood, who was one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men. He was called ‘Not-Little John’ because they refused to call him ‘SlaughterMaster John, Destroyer of Worlds.’

After a tumultuous period, where he was referred to variously as ‘Smelly’ John, ‘Rancid’ John, ‘Round’ John, and ‘Lady Margret’ John, ‘Not-Little’ John eventually became the accepted nickname, though he would have vastly preferred ‘Colossal’ John.

At any rate, Not-Little was Robin’s official statistician. He was given this job as he proved completely incompetent in a fight, lacked any sense of subtlety, and had the woodman-ship skills of an incontinent sea lion. They also attempted to use him as a spy, a courier, a bar-maid, and a theoretical physicist, but he roundly failed at all these as well.

However, Not-Little John was, in fact, an amazing statistician. He would happily spend hours compiling reams and reams of mostly useless data and entering it into a strange, grid format he developed.

He kept records on arrows fired (with hits and misses), ale quaffed, soldiers fought, soldiers slain, soldiers wounded, soldiers annoyed, maidens kissed, targets hit, gold stolen, swords crossed, beef consumed, and quips made (scored on a scale of 1-10).

Not-Little would present these figures to Robin regularly and would happily point out trends and give advice, which centered around trying to get Maid Marion’s hot handmaiden to go out with him. It is unknown if Robin made any use of his advice and figures.

After Robin defeated the Sherriff and took back his lands, Not-Little was given a purse of gold and a letter of recommendation and sent on his way.

Not-Little eventually settled in northern England and opened a store that sold picture books. However, Not-Little’s greatest contribution to nerdom came when he published his collected statistics along with a set of rules and inadvertently created the first character-based war-game and coincidentally, Fantasy Baseball.

Look for more nerds of yore in coming weeks!

Cheers,
-Jason

Let Me In

Here's another funny cat video:



Also, people have been asking when a new page will be up. The answer is . . . SOON!

We are working on the next page as I type and will get it up ASAP.

We apologize for the delays, but what with con season and losing our colorist, things have been hectic. We will be posting weekly and without warning for a while until we get things straightened out. Don't worry, though, we're not going anywhere.

Actually, I will be going to the store later today, but that's not quite the same thing. Leigh might also be going somewhere as well. I will definately be going to Tacoma on Saturday. I don't know what Leigh will be doing. Wayfarer's Moon, however, will be staying put and won't be going anywhere.

It can't, actually.

Well, the server could be moved. Does that count?

Anyway, Wayfarer's Moon will continue updating and hopefully we will get back to bi-weekly in a while.

Cheers,
-Jason

Nerds of Yore: Part 2

The Punic Flame War

Many of you, I’m sure, know of the various Punic wars, where Rome and Carthage did battle over who could make the most atrocious puns.

I’m kidding of course. It had something to do with peanut butter. I think.

Anyhow, there was a much lesser known chapter of the 2nd Punic War called the Punic Flame War. While Scipio and Hannibal were vigorously trying to stab each other with armies, a flame war was going on, considered by many to be the greatest flame war of the Ancient world.

Scholars debate who drafted the first flame, but the earliest example found was sent to the Carthaginians by the Romans.

It reads, in part: HANNIBAL SMELLS OF ELEPHANT POO! SCIPIO IS TEH ROXORUS!

The Punic Flame War went on for a full twenty years, three years longer than the actual 2nd Punic War itself. While only two nerds actually died during the conflict (one choked on a fig, the other fell off a donkey), many fingers were smudged by ink and many a nerd was brought to tears by the cruel words of his foes.

As is the case with modern flame wars, no one really won the Punic Flame War. The participants either grew bored with it and turned their attention to the Dragonball IIV forum or were forced to work in the family amphora shop under threat of being kicked out of the house.

Though the names of these ancient flame warriors will probably never be discovered (save for Maximus Flattulus, one of the most prolific of the Romans), it is agreed that the Punic Flame War is one of the most important periods in nerd history.

Later: Medieval Nerds

Nerds of Yore: Part 1

We nerds are much maligned in society. We are sneered at as being uncoordinated, unwashed, and generally lacking in social skills. This is, unfortunately, completely true.

However, this does not mean that we do not have a proud history, a tradition of annoying others with mind-numbing trivia, quotes from popular entertainment, or flaming each other with ‘X can beat-up Y for Z reasons’ missives.

Yet, many nerds are unaware of their long and storied lineage. They know not of Flavius Myopicus, who wrote the first gladiator-based fanfic. The name John ‘DethLord’ Baker, the first nerd to ever misspell ‘death’ on purpose, is not given the reverence it is due.

To remedy this, I have done extensive research (10, 15 minutes tops) on the nerds, dorks, and geeks who shaped modern nerdom and now present to you, the Nerds of Yore.

The Ur-Nerd
Considered by many scholars to be the first true nerd, precious little is known about the Ur-Nerd, save that he was of Sumerian descent and probably didn’t get a date to the prom.

The only record of the Ur-Nerd is a single stele known as the Stele of the Geek. Inscribed on it is what scholars believe is the first ‘rant,’ which details the Ur-Nerds thoughts on why Gilgamesh could totally kick Marduk’s butt.

The Stele is currently housed in the British Museum and is only displayed to patrons who know what Kirk’s brother’s name was.

Tomorrow: Geekus Maximus.

Note: Kirk’s brother’s name was George Samuel Kirk, Jr.

Note: Yes, I’m a nerd.

Recess

I have figured out what is wrong with the world today. As adults, we never get to have recess.

Oh, sure, we surf the net from time to time or hang around the water cooler/coffee machine/foosball table/stripper pole to talk about the latest news/tv show/inane blog/strippers, but these are at best furtive measures, as we all know we should really be working.

Hence, recess, which is defined as a ‘temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.’ Or, to put it more succinctly, a time to play 4-Square and Tetherball.

Note: I was the Tetherball king of my school. I was, frankly, Olympic material.

Think about it, what’s the real difference between school and work? You’re there against your will, your supervisor forgets your name, you don’t understand what’s going on, and the people around you frequently pick their noses and eat paste.

If you needed recess in school, you need it twice as much during work.

Therefore, I think the government should mandate two, 20-minute recesses a day, where you have to go outside (or at least leave the cubicle) and play for a while. You can play 4-Square, Tetherball, Touch-Football, Kickball, Craps, or even a rousing game of Tag.

Note: Some schools have banned Tag as being exclusionary and overly aggressive. I would suggest that life is exclusionary and overly aggressive.

The only rule would be that you have to play. You can’t work, you can’t talk about work, nor can you talk on your cell-phone, check your mail, or hide a body. You just have to play.

Then, when the bell rings, you can go back to your cubicle, perhaps slightly winded, and relish the fact that you just kicked ass at Tetherball.

Cheers,
-Jason

Cat Man Do

Here's a funny little video sent to me a while ago.



I just love how accurately the cat is animated.

Cheers,
-Jason

Ask Gorg: Part 2

Gorg,
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc

Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.

As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.

Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.

Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?

Vorok, the Many-Killer

Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.

Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.

Ask Gorg: Part 1

Whilst on the plane home from San Jose, I found a newspaper stuffed in the little magazine holder in front of me. I casually flipped through it and noticed the advice column. It had the standard ‘husband problem,’ ‘kid problem,’ and ‘mucous beast from other dimension problem’ that are the primary kinds of letters featured.

It then occurred to me that it would be funny to write in with some bizarre problem and ask for advice. However, they probably quite a few extremely weird letters, so mine would probably not rate very highly.

Then, being a nerd, I wondered who orcs would turn to when they desperately needed advice? Who would they trust with their innermost thoughts and feelings?

Gorg,
There is an orc in my unit that I hate. He always pushes me and tries to steal my food. What should I do?
Thork

Dear Thork,
Kill him and eat his entrails.

Gorg,
Sometimes the other orcs make fun of me because I like flowers. I just think they’re pretty (the flowers, not the orcs) and like to put them on my armor. How can I get them to stop making fun of me?
Orc with Flower

Dear Orc with Flower,
Kill them and eat their entrails. If you kill enough of them, no one will laugh at you for liking flowers.

Tomorrow: Part 2

Super-Con Wrap Up!

Well, we made it. San Jose was quite a bit warmer than we're used to, so we sweated a lot. The Con was not as large as Emerald City and we didn't sell as much, but we had a pretty good time overall.

We did sit next to Mark Texeira, who was tremendously cool and a ton of fun to talk to. Michael Golden was a bit further down and though I didn't get a chance to talk to him, Leigh had a long conversation with him at one point and reported that he was really nice. On our left was the team from Scrap Pictures, who produce Blazin' Brandy. They were all great to talk to as well.

Leigh did a lot of sketches (a few of which he will post, I'm sure) and I talked to people and more or less hung out.

Which brings me to my one observation for Super-Con. Writers don't have as much to do. I suppose if you're established and popular, you would sit behind a stack of books and autograph all day. Artists can obviously do sketches, but writers, well, write, so unless you've got a laptop or are comfortable writing on a notepad, there isn't anything to do.

So I decided to start offering to write sentences for free. When people approached the booth and chatted with us, I would casually mention that I was the writer and would write a sentence for them for free.

I mostly got blank looks, but a few people laughed. No one actually took me up on the offer, which was too bad, as I had a couple of doozies ready to go.

Maybe I'll get a chance to write some in Spokane in June . . .

Anyhow, things went well and we're looking forward to the next con.

Cheers,
-Jason

Super-Con!

So, tonight Leigh and I will be flying out to San Jose for Super-Con. Now, I hate to admit this, but flying always causes me a little trepidation.

I’m not entirely certain why.

I’m not afraid of terrorists. I think, as most red-blooded American men do, that if terrorists tried to take over the airplane I would be able to stop them. This is mainly because I always carry a large, hardbound book onto the plane with me. You can’t have a machete, but they will let you take 6-pounds of hard-backed paper.

Terrorist: I have a box knife, fear me!

Me: I’ve got volume 5 of the OED! Let’s go!

Cue sounds of someone being pummeled with a book.

Note: the OED is the Oxford English Dictionary and it is frickin’ huge.

I don’t worry about both pilots falling over dead at the same time, as Mythbusters has informed me that planes can now land themselves.

I don’t worry about gremlins tearing the wire out of the wings (Yes, I saw that William Shatner episode of The Twilight Zone as a kid. Yes, it freaked me out). I have been assured by several stewardesses that they have since installed anti-Gremlin measures onto all domestic and international flights.

I just think that it has something to do with being stuck in a giant, flimsy, metal cigar at 22,000 feet and thinking ‘I hope the guy that glued the wings on wasn’t having a bad day.’

Yes, I know the wings aren’t glued on. I’m pretty sure they use screws or something.

Hopefully, there will be some good con stories for next Monday.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Agency

I recently learned of a new MMO coming out in a year or two called The Agency. It's a super-spy game that combines FPS action and RPG growth in a 'James Bond' style universe. Needless to say, I'm really excited about this title and can't wait to get my hands on it.

For your viewing pleasure, should you choose to click on it:
The Agency Official Trailor

Cheers,
-Jason

Emerald City Comic-Con: Part 3

Observation #4
A certain number of insane people come to comic-cons. I’m not just talking about ‘run-of-the-mill’ nutty, where you have a few too many pieces of Sailor Moon paraphernalia, play too much WoW, or have encyclopedic knowledge of the Discworld universe (I am guilty of two of these three. Guess which?).

I’m talking about the ‘wow, this person is allowed to drive a car’ kind of insane.

I had a young man come up and ask me if I liked Uwe Boll movies. Here is the actual start of the conversation, as well as I can recall it:

Him: Do you like Uwe Boll movies?

Me: Well, maybe ‘like’ is too strong a word. ‘Amused by’ is more like it. (friendly chuckle).

Him: (intense stare) Blood Rayne was the best movie ever made!

Me: Uhhh, I haven’t seen it (a lie, sadly).

Him: It is! They’re making a sequel!

Me: Really?

This continued for around 10 minutes, at which point Leigh came back and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. He was still there when I got back and eventually wandered away a few minutes later. Leigh and I compared notes and as far we can tell, he had the exact same conversation with Leigh as he did with me.

Well, that about wraps up my observations on Emerald Con. We’re looking forward to Super-Con in San Jose this weekend and hope to see more fans there (and to make new ones).

In case you can’t find us, we’ll be the two nerds sitting at a table.

Cheers,
-Jason

Emerald City Comic-Con: Part 2

Observation #2
There were many people at ECCC. There were a good number of people in costume. There were a few people, no more than a handful, who we weren’t sure if they were in costume or not. One gentleman was wearing a green and yellow striped shirt, black pants, purple shoes and yellow socks. Leigh and I watched him pass, looked at each other, and then looked back at him.

Me: Was that a costume?

Leigh: Not sure.

Me: It looked like a costume.

pause

Leigh: Maybe he’s color-blind?

There were also a lot of women in goth-loli outfits and various vinyl and rubber ensembles. All I can say to them is ‘God bless you.’

Observation #3
Leigh has the anti-comic-selling gene. On Saturday, we set-up and once the show opened, promptly sold a comic. We then sat for an hour, Leigh went to a panel, and I sold three more. This continued all day. Leigh is there, no sales. Leigh goes away, sales. At one point, Leigh walked away for ten-minutes and I sold four comics (I am not kidding).

Eventually, I started kicking Leigh out of the booth so we could sell more.

On Sunday, the effect seemed to have worn off, but for whatever reason, I was still the one that handled all the transactions. Leigh would be sitting there, peacefully drawing or eating or possibly dozing, and I’d shove a book in his face and say ‘Sign this!’ He would and after chatting with the customer, would then go back to whatever he was doing as I gave away bookmarks.

Tomorrow: Part 3 – The Finale!

Emerald City Comic-Con: Part 1

Well, we did it. Our first con is in the bag. It went really, really well. No one, as far as we know, will be naming their first born after us, but we had a tremendous positive reaction.

Here is our booth:






In the second picture the hand creeping into the frame belongs to our friend Stan (real name: Laura) who is adjusting our banner. No, we are not watching a tennis game.

Other than getting lost on the way to the Convention Center, there were no hitches or mis-steps, save the 'Ewok-Strangling' incident that is best never mentioned again.

We met and talked with a lot of neat people. We were right next to Jennie Breeden from The Devil's Panties. We chatted for a few minutes and she was very cool. Paul Chadwick was right next to us and was a very nice, very amiable man, as well as an amazing artist. Next to him was Ken Steacy, who was also also very nice and amazingly talented. We were also right next to the brother and sister team from Inanimate Sloth Bear Press, who were very cool. We also talked to Phil Foglio and Aaron Williamson, who were both very friendly and happy to chat with us. I also got to meet a personal hero of mine, Bill Willingham and got him to sign my copy of Elementals #1. Leigh talked to a great number of people as well, but I'll let him detail those encounters.

By-the-by: A person bought a book from us and then as Leigh was not at the booth, left it to be signed by him. This person NEVER returned to pick it up. If you're that person, email us at mail@wayfarersmoon.com and let me know what color shirt you were wearing as well as a point or two from our conversation and we'll send your book to you.

As I spent the majority of my time at the booth, talking to patrons and selling books, I had ample time to watch the ebb and flow of people around us. This led to a certain number of 'observations' about cons and life that I thought I would share.

Observation #1:
Some men should not wear kilts. There were plenty of kilts in evidence. I would go as far to say that Seattle had more kilts being worn than anywhere else save Scotland. However, some men just couldn't pull it off. Skinny, fish-white legs just don't work. And please, if you're going to wear a kilt in public, iron it first. One guy's kilt was so wrinkled it looked like an upside-down khaki tulip.

Tomorrow: Observations 2-4

Emerald City Comic Con

Well, tomorrow is the big day. We'll be making our Con debut at the Emerald City Comic Con.

(I keep resisting the urge to shout 'CON!' and shake my fist in the air)

Anyway, I'm sure I can speak for both of us when I say that we are both nervous, excited, anxious, eager, slightly nauseous, and quite gassy. It's like the day before going to Disneyland (Disney Eve?) when you're eight. You're pretty sure it's going to rock, but you're afraid you're going to hurl on the teacups again.

Yes, my brothers made me hurl on the teacups. I was five and they spun it really fast. My only regret is that I didn't manage to hit either one of them.

A great many of our friends have promised to show up and lend their support. Those who do not will be officially demoted from 'friend' to 'acquaintance,' with all 'friend' rights (such as using me and my truck to move) will be summarily removed.

I kid. I will still help them move. I may not tie their stuff down, but I'll help.

So, if you happen to live in the area and want to get an autographed copy of Issue #1 and a sketch from Leigh (I will be offering to write sentences), come on by.

I should have some good stories and pictures next week.

Cheers,
-Jason

School Duel: Episode 1

Here's another really well done Star Wars short courtesy of Captain Hesperus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bopKelOLZZg&feature=related

Cheers,
-Jason

“These Are Not the Hotties You Are Looking For:" Part 2

There is, of course, another Jedi power I could wildly abuse: the Jedi Mind Trick.

The basic problem though is that I’m not really mean enough to really abuse it. I would do silly things like order a Big Mac meal and then Jedi Mind Trick the cashier into giving me a Super Size for free. Actually, I probably wouldn’t even do that, as it might get the cashier in trouble. I’ve worked food service. The people behind the counter don’t need any more grief.
Which begs the question, what would I use it for?

(insert hand wave)
“No, Officer, I’m pretty sure I was going 35.”
“You want to poop in the litterbox.” (to my cat)
“Go read Wayfarer’s Moon and vote for it daily. And read the blog. And join the forum and post. And buy a t-shirt.”

However, my number one use for the Jedi Mind Trick would be as follows:

Me: “Hi, would you like to go out Friday?”
Hot Girl: “Uhhhh, no. I have to wash my hair.”
Me: (hand wave) “Your hair looks fine.”
Hot Girl: “Oh. Sorry, I need to vacuum.”
Me: (hand wave) “Do it later.”
Hot Girl: “Yeah. Ummm, I have to fly to Venezuela.”
Me: (hand waves self) “She’s not interested, move along.”

Granted, if I had Jedi Powers, other people would surely have them as well, so the above conversation would probably go like this instead:

Me: “Hi, would you like to go out Friday?”
Hot Girl: “Uhhhh, no. I have to wash my hair.”
Me: (hand wave) “Your hair looks fine. You should go out with me”
Hot Girl: (hand wave) “This is not the hottie you are looking for. Move along.”
Me: “You are not the hottie I am looking for. Moving along.”

Later: Part 3

“These Are Not the Hotties You Are Looking For”: Part 1

So, in the forums (which I urge everyone to go, read, and post abundantly), a conversation started about Jedi powers. Several people, myself included, maintained that we would only use our powers for good.

But then I realized I was completely lying. I would use my Jedi powers for whatever the hell I wanted.

Oh, I’m not saying I would go Sith and force choke the lady at the DMV or decapitate a line of people at the supermarket with a shopping cart so I wouldn’t have to wait, but I would definitely abuse them all the time.

Telekinesis
I would never get up from the couch. I would change channels, pet the cat, get a drink, and if I could figure out how, pee from there too. My apartment would be a virtual hailstorm of items, foodstuffs, and if possible, cheerleaders. I would be sitting happily in the center, trying to see if I could telekinetically throw a corn chip through the wall.

Actually, strike that. I would get up from the couch. I would get up like there was no tomorrow.

I would enter the World Strongman Competition. You know, the one with massive men with names like Magnus ver Magnusson who routinely do things like carrying a Volkswagen Bug full of inebriated goats while performing the ‘Arabesque’ from the Nutcracker Suite (note: that comment is the sum total of everything I know about ballet).

I would be the out-of-shape nerd calmly carrying an 800-pound ice sculpture of a duck with one hand. It would rock, at least until the other competitors beat me to death with 400-pound scale models of Finland.

Tomorrow: Part 2

Iron Man (Spoiler Alert)

So, like many other nerds, Leigh, his lovely wife Laura, and I all went to see Iron Man yesterday.

It rocked.

Robert Downey, Jr. pretty much makes the film, with his breezy irreverence and the supporting cast of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges, and Terrence Howard all give solid performances.

One aspect of the film that I thought was handled extremely well was the villain. In most superhero movies, the hero exists in a void apart from the regular comic universe, so there is always a need to somehow create a villain to match the hero. The X-Men franchise was one of the few to get around this (and Daredevil, oddly enough) as they established from the beginning that there were lots of mutants, thus giving the heroes plenty of people to fight.

In Iron Man, the villain came about fairly naturally and I never felt that it was forced. Unlike, many other super hero movies I could mention.

Overall, Iron Man moved along briskly, with a lot of fun sequences highlighting the creation of the armor and Downey’s very fun portrayal of Tony Stark.

However, the biggest surprise was the ending. No, not the ending ending, but the bit at the end of the credits (the post-ending?). Samuel L. Jackson shows up as Nick Fury, straight out of the Ultimates, suggesting a possible Avengers movie. Which would absolutely rock.

Overall, Iron Man is well worth an afternoon. I give it 6.98 Wombats of out of a possible 7.119.

EDIT: Leigh just sent me this: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/1647345/, so apparently, yes, a live-action Avengers is in the works. Geeks and nerds rejoice!

Cheers,
-Jason

Ketchup, Catchup, Catsup

It occurred to me the other day that I did not know the etymology of the word ‘ketchup.’ This glaring hole in my personal development could not go unchecked, so being a 10th level nerd (a Nerd Lord), I immediately consulted the internet.

Short answer: No one knows for sure where it originated from. We all could be routinely saying ‘monkey boogers’ in ancient Sumerian.

Long answer: The word may have originated in Asia, where ancient folklore holds that a small village was plagued by an incursion of giant, carnivorous wombats. When the wombats attacked, the people would shout something in their language that vaguely resembles ‘ketchup,’ but which meant ‘run for your lives, lest you be consumed by the giant, man-eating, wombats!’ The folktales go on to say that eventually a great hero arose and slew them all (the wombats, not the villagers), which is why there are no more wombats outside Australia. However, the villagers, being unable to farm because of the wombats would soon starve. The simple solution, of course, was to eat the newly deceased wombats. Thus, ‘ketchup’ came to mean ‘feasting on the remains of wombats.’ How this word came to mean ‘tomato sauce’ is a mystery.

Boring answer: It may come from the Malay word ‘kechap’ which means ‘fish sauce.’ Sailors brought the sauce back to Europe where it was made with local ingredients and eventually tomatoes. And viola, ketchup.

Cheers,
-Jason

RvD2: Ryan vs. Dorkman 2

And today we have another gem from Ryan Wieber and Michael Scott, who brought us Ryan vs. Dorkman.

I especially like the part where they go corps-a-corps under the stairs. Very cool and inventive!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-is63goeBgc

Cheers,
-Jason