Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Slightly Dizzy

In the interest of continued good health and not getting out of breath when I get off the couch, I’ve decided to embark upon a new diet of my own device. I call it the ‘Eat What You Can Catch’ diet.

The premise is rather simple: you can only eat things you catch. This will provide not only nutrition, but excellent overall exercise. After all, our ancestors didn’t have the luxury of just waltzing into a 7-11 and grabbing a Big Gulp and a hot dog. No, back then, they had to chase and/or find things on their own. If they wanted a Coke, they had to find a Coke tree and knock the bottles off. If it was bare or out of season, tough. I’m also assuming there is some sort of hot dog animal, kind of like a wiener with legs. And no, not wiener dogs (yes, I know what you’re thinking).

Anyway, I began my diet this last Sunday and it didn’t start as well as I hoped. I headed out shortly after I got up (around noon), armed with a broom handle with a large fork duct-taped to it. I figured the extra tines on the fork would make it easier to skewer the hot-dog animals, sort of like a trident. However, I soon discovered that the local police frown on running through the parks with a fork spear and was forced to relinquish my only weapon.

NOTE: I asked the officers if they knew the whereabouts of any hot-dog animals. They mentioned a pig-farm outside of town, but I insisted that there were little hot dogs creatures that skittered about. Oddly enough, this is when they took my fork spear away. I suspect they wanted to use it to catch the hot dogs for themselves.

This left me with little choice but to forage for food with my bare hands. The rest of the afternoon did not go well, though I did find some berries that while tasty, might have been slightly hallucinogenic. At least that’s what the trash can said.

Anyway, I decided to return home, vowing to get up early and go get something to eat. Strangely enough, I barely managed to get out of bed in the morning and stagger into work. There was a piece of burnt toast in the kitchen area, so I managed to get a few calories from that. I know, I didn’t technically ‘catch’ it, but I figured it was close enough. I later got my hands on an M&M that my one of my coworkers dropped (it was green) and with that calorie boost, I was able to make it through the rest of the day.

This morning I was very, very hungry and a little dizzy. I weighed myself and found that I’d lost several pounds, so it seemed like I was on the right track. Work was interesting, as I kept nodding off. I found a peanut in one of the conference room. I only ate half of it, so I could have something for dinner. Once I finally found my way home, I collapsed.

Realizing it was Tuesday, I mustered the energy to turn on my computer and write this blog. Hopefully, I will find more food at work tomorrow. I hear the lawyers upstairs have a candy dish out, so I might go on a raid if I have the energy.

So, hopefully, by the time you read next week’s blog, I’ll have dropped a ton of weight and be a new man. I might even write a diet book based on my new system.

Now, if only the room would stop spinning.


NOTE: For those of you who actually read the blog and wonder how much of what I talk about is true, no. I am not following the diet I just described. I’m eating sensibly from all four food groups: chocolate, Coke, nougat, and sugar. In fact, I just had a delicious dinner of 3 Musketeers bars and a liter of Coke. And I’m weirdly energetic. Go figure.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hockey Puck

My apartment is filled with smoke right now. Oh, not to worry, it’s not at asphyxiation level. At least I hope not, as I replaced my smoke detector with a cobra. And no, I didn’t stable a snake to the ceiling. I simply removed the contents of the smoke detector and then enlarged the space behind it so the cobra could fit comfortably.

My upstairs neighbors were a touch surprised, but they didn’t complain much, possibly because I had a live cobra.

Anyway, my apartment is filled with smoke due to the fact that I put a perfectly good piece of steak in a pan and more or less set it on fire. It was metaphorical fire, as there were no actual flames, but the steak was pretty much a hockey puck when I was done.

And why did I do this? Simple, I was trying to cook.

I’ll give you a moment to clean the spit off your monitor.

I’m not exactly sure why I decided to cook. I may have been slightly hallucinating when I went to the supermarket last weekend (all the cobra bites), but somehow I ended up with a tray of steaks and a big bag of dog food. I don’t know, maybe they were on sale.

So I decided to eat them. The steaks, not the dog food. Though, dog food is edible. Don’t ask how I know that.

Anyway, tonight I decided to heat up a pan and throw a steak in it. I probably shouldn’t have wandered away to watch cartoons, as eventually I noticed there was more smoke than usual. This led to the discovery of the hockey puck and the opening of several windows.

Seeing that I’d mostly failed to cook the steak, I decided to do some research before attempting to cook again. It was either that or eat the dog food. Seeing as how I don’t own any cookbooks and my mother changed her number without telling me (again), I went to the web for answers.

Apparently, this whole ‘cooking’ thing is much more involved than I originally suspected.

I was pretty intrigued by the website I found. It told me to ‘warm the pan’ and ‘let the meat rest’ and ‘decide on a safety word.’ That last one clued me in that I had actually gone to some sort of cooking fetish site, but I don’t mind saying cooking had started to look really interesting.

Anyhow, I did (eventually) find a real cooking site and discovered several things, including that setting your stove to ‘high’ and using gasoline as a marinade is a bad idea. So hopefully my next try will be closer to edible.

I just need to decide on a safety word first.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Tax Day

Hey everyone!

Hope you all got your taxes done! Mine are in and ideally, the government won't be sending men in suits after me.

This is not because I'm daunted by men in suits, it's just that they'll probably trigger the ninja and mime traps that litter my house and get blood and/or documents all over the place. Speaking of which, the damp Swiffer mop thingies are great at getting body fluids off the ceiling. Just FYI.

We're also having a touch of weirdness on the Wayfarer's site. If you use arrow button on the second to last page to try and get to the last page, you get sent to a blank page instead. We're trying to figure that out, but if you use the archive instead, you'll be fine. Another FYI.

Anyway, look for a new blog on Wednesday and our return to twice a week postings next week!


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Product May Devour Your Soul

I happened to be watching television the other day when one of those drug commercials came on. You know, the ones where they show people happily going about their lives while the narrator describes the wonderful things the drug can do for you. Then, for about the last ten seconds, the narrator helpfully describes the various horrible things that might happen to you should you decide to use their product.

We’ve all seen these, but what made this commercial special is that it literally spent three-quarters of the running time describing the potential side effects, ending with ‘and death.’

“Disintigratix, a new drug from the makers of Destructix and Eyeballexplodus, has been found useful in treating belly-button lint in many patients. Potential side effects include: explosive hand syndrome, spinal reversal, gangrene, gangred, gangblue, bone melting, this thing where your heart turns into artificial turf, and in extreme cases, the utter destruction of your soul.”

Now, I realize that the drug manufacturers are required to list potential side-effects and I heartily approve. If I were to take a drug, I would want to know if I might get a headache or become erotically attracted to shellfish. However, there comes a point where the side effects are so numerous and deadly, the whole point of the drug is called into question.

It’s like saying getting shot will probably kill you, but the bullet ‘might’ destroy a hitherto undiscovered tumor and save your life, assuming of course, you get past the whole ‘shot’ thing.

And the funny part is I can’t remember the name of the drug or what it was supposed to treat. I was so impressed and horrified at the side effects, I have no recollection of the rest of the commercial. So the ad worked, just not the bit that made me want to buy the drug. Instead, I wanted to burn the pills with napalm while chanting one of the nastier passages from the Necronomicon and then disposing of the remains in hallowed ground.

It’s probably the only way to be safe.


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Sunday April 8th

It's already 8:30 and I have no idea what I did all day. Obviously, I did something, but other than eating and arguing with remote control (it refused to change channels), I don't remember what.

Leigh spent all weekend at Norwescon, so I'm eager to hear of his daring exploits once he fully recovers. We're also going to be at the Stumptown Comics Fest on April 28th and 29th, so say 'hi' if you happen to come by.

Other than that, we're busily working on the comic, so look for a new update on Tuesday (and possibly, an EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!) and a blog on Wednesday. I'm not sure what I'm going to blog about, but I'm sure someone or something will try and kill me between now and then, so I should have an entertaining story for you.

Assuming I'm alive and can still type, of course.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Emerald City Comicon 2012: After-Action Report

Have you ever stood at the bottom of a snow-laden hill and looked up, only to discover that an avalanche was heading straight for you?

Well, no, of course not. You probably wouldn’t be reading this if you had. I mean, you might very well have survived and through some cruel trick of fate, found yourself reading my blog. In which case, I’m doubly sorry and I hope you get better soon.

Anyway, imagine that the aforementioned highly unlikely avalanche was not made out of snow, but of comic aficionados. That was ECC.

It was packed. There were walls of people, like a massive nerd-tsunami. All of whom seemed to be heading straight for table D-03, where myself, Leigh, and my brother Rick (cheap labor) were waiting.

In short, we had a great con. In long, we had a really, really great con and met a ton of fun and interesting people. There was the obligatory crazy guy (apparently, we have a fully functioning moon-base that aliens regularly visit), lots of cool costumes (which you can see on our Facebook page), and a bunch of fantasy fans.

We also had a Haith. Seriously. One of our longtime fans came dressed as Haith, complete with horns and all. I even have proof:

I’m in the Wayfarer’s Moon t-shirt. Yes, I’m smiling. And yes, she’s about 7’ tall.

Our usual roster of con-buddies was also in attendance, as well as some new friends.

Jason Metcalf, artist extraordinaire
Randy ‘Rantz’ Kintz, another fantastic artist
The Famine Lands team of Beth and Maria
Quentin Shaw of QEW Publishing
Creator’s Edge Press, our publisher
Brian Randolph, Sherpa and local volunteer with the Hero Initiative
Cari Corene of Toilet Genie
Jason Martin of Super Real Graphics
Brett Bean had the unfortunate luck to be to our immediate right
Fiona Meng lost some sort of bet and was on our left
Matt Youngmark of Chooseomatic Books came by
As well as the folks at Comic Rocket

And that’s about it. Another great, but tiring con.

Look for a new blog and new update next week!


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Blog on Thursday

I'm still wiped from the con and will be blogging on Thursday.

And yes, there will be pictures :)