Hockey Puck

My apartment is filled with smoke right now. Oh, not to worry, it’s not at asphyxiation level. At least I hope not, as I replaced my smoke detector with a cobra. And no, I didn’t stable a snake to the ceiling. I simply removed the contents of the smoke detector and then enlarged the space behind it so the cobra could fit comfortably.

My upstairs neighbors were a touch surprised, but they didn’t complain much, possibly because I had a live cobra.

Anyway, my apartment is filled with smoke due to the fact that I put a perfectly good piece of steak in a pan and more or less set it on fire. It was metaphorical fire, as there were no actual flames, but the steak was pretty much a hockey puck when I was done.

And why did I do this? Simple, I was trying to cook.

I’ll give you a moment to clean the spit off your monitor.

I’m not exactly sure why I decided to cook. I may have been slightly hallucinating when I went to the supermarket last weekend (all the cobra bites), but somehow I ended up with a tray of steaks and a big bag of dog food. I don’t know, maybe they were on sale.

So I decided to eat them. The steaks, not the dog food. Though, dog food is edible. Don’t ask how I know that.

Anyway, tonight I decided to heat up a pan and throw a steak in it. I probably shouldn’t have wandered away to watch cartoons, as eventually I noticed there was more smoke than usual. This led to the discovery of the hockey puck and the opening of several windows.

Seeing that I’d mostly failed to cook the steak, I decided to do some research before attempting to cook again. It was either that or eat the dog food. Seeing as how I don’t own any cookbooks and my mother changed her number without telling me (again), I went to the web for answers.

Apparently, this whole ‘cooking’ thing is much more involved than I originally suspected.

I was pretty intrigued by the website I found. It told me to ‘warm the pan’ and ‘let the meat rest’ and ‘decide on a safety word.’ That last one clued me in that I had actually gone to some sort of cooking fetish site, but I don’t mind saying cooking had started to look really interesting.

Anyhow, I did (eventually) find a real cooking site and discovered several things, including that setting your stove to ‘high’ and using gasoline as a marinade is a bad idea. So hopefully my next try will be closer to edible.

I just need to decide on a safety word first.

Cheers,
-Jason

So . . .

Funny story. Leigh came over to my place the other week. No, that’s not the funny part, though it is unusual. For some reason, most people only visit me once. They come in, look around, ask why there’s a baseball bat with a bloody tooth embedded in it by the door, and then suddenly remember a pressing engagement elsewhere.

Oh, they also then change their phone number and unfriend me on Facebook, but I digress.

Anyway, Leigh has come over multiple times, so I assumed he remembered the ground rules:
1. Don’t look up.
2. Before opening a door, check for tentacles.
3. If attacked by a ninja, remain calm, point at me, and say ‘No, not me. Him,’ in a forceful tone.
4. The freezer may contain things not normally found in freezers. Or this dimension.
5. If you see a sign that says ‘Caution: Eldritch Evil’ near a pit, don’t look into the pit. If the sign says ‘Naked Ninja Girls,’ then still don’t look (it’s a trap for the ninjas). If the sign simply says ‘Pit,’ feel free to look all you want.

At any rate, Leigh came over to help me move my TV, an old model that weighs around 250 pounds, as I was rearranging my living room furniture to cover over some of the more obvious blood stains.

NOTE: Yeah, I really need a steamer.

Things were progressing smoothly. The TV had been removed from its stand and put to one side, my furniture was shuffled, and we were picking the TV up again when I noticed the cobra.

“Oh,” I said. “I’ll need to grab that. You got the TV?”

Now, I’m 99.9% certain that Leigh replied. “Yes, I can hold your TV up by myself. In fact, I find it a rather pleasant.”

Leigh, however, maintains that all he managed to get out was a “Wha-?”

Needless to say, I let go of my end for a split second to toss the cobra back onto the cobra shelf, only to hear a yell from Leigh as he started to drop my TV. I selflessly leapt back to save my TV and help guide it back onto its stand.

Leigh, much to my surprise, then said some very bad words while holding his arm. It seems that while trying to maintain a grip on my TV, he injured the tendons in his right arm a touch and now has to take anti-inflammatory medication and wear a brace for a few weeks.

So, the comic updates may take a little longer than we had originally planned.

In all seriousness, Leigh did injure his arm and it will be a bit longer before we can begin to update again. I have told Leigh that it’s okay to injure his non-drawing arm or legs as much as he likes, but we really need to keep his head/drawing arm healthy.

We will let you know a hard date on the updates once we have them. In the meantime, please enjoy the blogs.

And don’t look in the pit.

Cheers,
-Jason