Thursday, December 19, 2013

Your Patience Will Be Rewarded

Hey everyone!

I realize my blogs of late have been rather anemic, but that's because I'm a lazy bast- been very, very busy. I've hinted at 'projects being in the works' and 'secret plans' and 'building a missile out of Captain Crunch' in the past, but now I've decided to let you, my few loyal readers, be the first to know what those plans actually are.

I'm relaunching Single Edge Studios in 2014 with not one, not two, but four projects.

'Four projects!' I can imagine you saying, your monocle popping out. 'How is that possible?'

Well, I had to find some excellent artists and then figure out which relatives they cared about so I could kidnap them and use them as leverage.

So, without further ado, here's what's coming up in 2014:

Art the Wanderer (no logo yet)

Yes, I'm finally going to publish Art the Wanderer. I rewrote some big chunks at the beginning and end and am simply waiting for the cover art to be finished. With a little luck, it will be out in January. I've begun work on a sequel, so please bug me about that (it keeps me motivated).

In a world of super-powered men and women, where titans collide in earth-shattering conflict, meet Dust Bunny, a heroine with all the powers of dust. Seriously. Can Dust Bunny make it as a hero? Can she survive in a city teeming with mad-scientists, secret societies, apathetic heroes, and villains of every stripe? And most importantly, can she pay her rent? Find out in Capes & Heels!

In a Europe that never was, World War I is being fought with guns, planes, and automatons of brass and steel. Steam & Blood is a Steampunk setting where the battles are not only in the trenches, but under the water and in the cities. Meet characters both new and old and discover the world of Steam & Blood.

And of course:

The adventures of Iri and Lily continue with an all new artist and the same old writer. Our heroines fight against the Baron continues, even as new dangers arise in the south.

In addition, there will be a new website, more blogs, Twitter and Facebook feeds, and more con appearances, starting with the Emerald City ComiCon in March.

Now, you may have noticed that I haven't said anything about actual dates. That's because all my artists have day jobs and we're still nailing down a schedule. But rest assured, as new info comes in, I'll pass it along.

So, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or the Winter Greeting of your choice, and look forward to action, adventure, and, hopefully, more ninja punching.

Cheers and see you in 2014,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

If A Tree Falls in the Forest and A Nerd Hears It . . .

The sun was out the other day and seeing as how I hadn’t left the apartment in a couple weeks, I decided to go take a walk in the park. This decision was in no way affected by the case of chili I’d purchased at Costco roughly a couple of weeks before or that I’d been eating it non-stop since then in a closed environment.

At any rate, I was shuffling merrily along when I heard a strangely familiar crack. As I looked around, I noticed one of the trees ahead of me was swaying in an odd fashion and then I heard several more cracks. 
 There was one more really loud CRACK and then the top half of the tree promptly fell off, crashing into the undergrowth with a resounding ‘thud.’

Strangely enough, the sound trees make when falling over is exactly the same sound as you hear on TV and in the movies. I had always kind of assumed that the sound guys had enhanced the noise in some way, but no, it sounds exactly the same.

Not earth shattering I know, but it was kind of weird that I knew exactly what was going on before I even saw it. Television, it seemed, had prepared me well.

I immediately ran over to where the tree fell expecting to find a fairy princess or a pair of ruby slippers or even a sword sticking out of the trunk, but there was nothing. I double, and then triple checked. Still nothing.

NOTE: I was, in all honesty, rather relieved there weren’t a pair of ruby slippers. Because honestly, I don’t have the calves for them.

I did find a worm near the scene, but I’m pretty sure it was just a regular worm-worm, as opposed to a magical, wish-granting fairy-worm. I know this because I interrogated it for about ten minutes and it never said or did anything save wriggle around. Some people walking by did turn around and go the other way, but then again, a large, hairy man was shouting ‘Where are my wishes, dammit!’ at a worm.

The large, hairy man was me, btb.

So, basically, all the literature I’ve ever read lied to me. Was an adventure too much to ask? A quest of some sort? Maybe a quick jaunt to a parallel world populated entirely by hot women who had been waiting for the arrival of a large, hairy man who was prophesied to judge their naked hopscotch competitions?

Seriously. Even an elf who needed a quick ride to the 7-11 would have been something. A dwarf with a fiddle. A talking plant. A mouse in a fedora.  Even a pair of comically oversized glasses.

But no, just a tree trunk and a big piece of fallen tree.

And to top it off, as I was dragging the fallen tree back to my truck (for my ‘pieces of wood I’ve found’ collection), a weird bum in an oddly pointed hat kept following me shouting something about fulfilling my ‘just a tree.’

Or it could have been ‘dust the bee.’ Or ‘desk on knee.’ Or even ‘destiny.’

But I doubt it.


Thursday, October 24, 2013

A Rather Embarrassing Situation

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve written and there’s a perfectly good reason why. ‘Perfectly good’ in that it’s a reasonable excuse, but also rather, how shall we say, stupid.

You see, I was in my bathroom a couple weeks ago with approximately 8,000 of those green plastic army men.  I had been using them to stage mock-battles with my Great Mazinga and Mego Star Trek dolls, but growing tired of that, I decided to glue them into a giant-life sized green plastic army man as I’m rather lonely.

So very lonely.

At any rate, there I was in the bathroom with a lot of green plastic army men and a tub of industrial glue. I was also just wearing my Captain America underwear, which is pertinent, but a tale best saved for later. I had just mixed up the glue when I stepped on one of the little grenade throwing guys and fell over, in the process dropping the glue.

Which I landed in.

I must have also knocked myself out, because when I came to, I discovered I’d more-or-less glued myself face up on the floor. I had one arm free, which came in handy later, but the rest of me was firmly stuck. In hindsight, I should have probably just wrenched myself up before the glue had really set, but at the time I felt that keeping the skin on my back was really, really important.

So, yes, there I was. After a few futile attempts to get up, I resigned myself to chipping slowly away at the glue with one of the bazooka plastic army men. Oh, it wasn’t all bad. I had plenty of green plastic army men to play with and thanks to being near the open cabinet, could detach the water line if I needed a drink.

Sadly though, without food, I was forced into cannibalism.

Yes, I had to eat many of my green plastic army men. I felt badly about it, but I explained to them in great detail that in this situation, the needs of the one (myself) outweighed the needs of the many (them). Oh, there were protests, but in the end they nobly sacrificed themselves so that I could slowly chip my way out of the glue.

I am now fully free and aside from some spectacularly unpleasant (and green) bowel movements, seem to be doing well. I do have a large slab of glue still stuck to my back and my few remaining green plastic army men seem to have mutinied, as I can’t find them.

So there you have it. I have learned my lesson and the next time I decide to play with industrial strength adhesives and green plastic army men, I will wear a helmet. And have food on hand.

Lots and lots of food.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Ion Capacitors

I have to take my truck in for repairs soon. I suspect it’s possessed, as something in the glove box screams when I turn on the left blinker and blood sprays out of the vents when I try to use the AC. These things I can deal with, but also it sometimes doesn’t want to start and the steering is a bit wobbly.

So I need a mechanic. And an exorcist, but first things first. Now, I have a problem when I take my truck in for repairs: despite being a reasonably large, hairy man with a diverse and impressive collection of bungie cords, I know nothing about how cars work.

Oh, I can pick out a car pretty well. If you had a line-up consisting of a stegosaurus, a clown, a car, and a Nintendo 64, I would pick out the car an easy 9 times out of 10. And if you happen to open the hood of a car, I can easily identify the engine, the radiator, the battery, the flippy thing, that thing that’s really expensive to fix, and the other thing that’s really, really expensive to fix.

However, you can’t show weakness in front of the mechanic or he’ll think less of you as a man. So, when I go to the mechanic and he presents me with a list of things that are wrong with my truck, I put on my Serious Frowny Face ™ and inspect the list with all the gravity of a General sending soldiers into battle. I will grunt and nod and try to ask questions that don’t sound idiotic.

“What’s this ‘brake light’ listed here?” I’ll say.

“That’s the red light on the back of the truck that lets other people know you’re stopping.”

“And what’s wrong with it?”

“It doesn’t work.”

“Ah.” I will then frown some more and point at something else. “What’s this?”

“Your address.”

“And this?”

“A smudge.”

“Hmmmmm. Okay, I’m on board with the brake light thing, but this here doesn’t make much sense.”

“That’s your name, sir.”

“Good to know. And what’s a Flux Capacitor?”

“That collects and stores the Flux.”

“My truck has one of those?”
“Two, actually.”

“Huh. Y’know, I don’t recall ever hearing about that before. I mean, I think I would have noticed a car commercial saying ‘now with a bigger Flux Capacitor or something.’”

“That’s because your truck is old. Newer ones have Ion Capacitors.” 

“That would explain it.”

“Great. Now please give me all of your money.”

Now obviously, they know I don’t know anything about cars. I know it. They know it. Everyone knows it. I just hope that they’re at least semi-honest and don’t bilk me on anything.

Besides, they don’t know Muffin likes to curl up behind the seat. There’s also a small sign that says ‘I have anti-venom. Let’s make a deal.’


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Joyous Reunions

Well, the good news is that Muffin is back. He showed up at my door this morning with an oddly small Mickey Mouse hat glued on his head and looking sheepish. Though, in hindsight, he may have just eaten a sheep. I don’t know. He is now back in his pen and surely dreaming lovely snake dreams of gallivanting around Disneyland and being allowed to bypass the crowds and get on all the rides first.

Seriously, if you were manning The Pirates of the Caribbean ride and a fifteen foot King Cobra showed up wearing a little Mickey Mouse hat, you’d let him go first, wouldn’t you?

In other news, an Anonymous commenter asked if the comic was ever coming back. And my answer was drum roll please yes.

I currently have an artist toiling away in a secret location in Germany. She’s in Germany because that’s where she lives and it’s a secret because I have no idea what her address is. Or her real name. Or any important details, really. Which might explain why she insists on drawing Lily as a dwarf. And Iri looks suspiciously like Orlando Bloom.

I’ll send her a coded message about that.

However, the bad news is that it will still be awhile before anything goes live (like end of the year-ish, fingers crossed). I would like to not repeat the mistakes of the past and pull the trigger on this before we’re good and ready. I will probably make a whole new set of mistakes, so there’s that. Stay tuned, as they say, for more info as it becomes available.

In other news, I have a few more projects in the works that I can’t talk about yet. These involve artists in other places. So, again, stay tuned.

And does anyone know how to get a hat off a hat that’s been glued to a snake, ‘cause I’m all out of ideas?