I have to take my truck in for repairs soon. I suspect it’s
possessed, as something in the glove box screams when I turn on the left
blinker and blood sprays out of the vents when I try to use the AC. These
things I can deal with, but also it sometimes doesn’t want to start and the
steering is a bit wobbly.
So I need a mechanic. And an exorcist, but first things
first. Now, I have a problem when I take my truck in for repairs: despite being
a reasonably large, hairy man with a diverse and impressive collection of
bungie cords, I know nothing about how cars work.
Oh, I can pick out a car pretty well. If you had a line-up
consisting of a stegosaurus, a clown, a car, and a Nintendo 64, I would pick
out the car an easy 9 times out of 10. And if you happen to open the hood of a
car, I can easily identify the engine, the radiator, the battery, the flippy
thing, that thing that’s really expensive to fix, and the other thing that’s
really, really expensive to fix.
However, you can’t show weakness in front of the mechanic or
he’ll think less of you as a man. So, when I go to the mechanic and he presents
me with a list of things that are wrong with my truck, I put on my Serious
Frowny Face ™ and inspect the list with all the gravity of a General sending soldiers
into battle. I will grunt and nod and try to ask questions that don’t sound
idiotic.
“What’s this ‘brake light’ listed here?” I’ll say.
“That’s the red light on the back of the truck that lets
other people know you’re stopping.”
“And what’s wrong with it?”
“It doesn’t work.”
“Ah.” I will then frown some more and point at something
else. “What’s this?”
“Your address.”
“And this?”
“A smudge.”
“Hmmmmm. Okay, I’m on board with the brake light thing, but
this here doesn’t make much sense.”
“That’s your name, sir.”
“Good to know. And what’s a Flux Capacitor?”
“That collects and stores the Flux.”
“My truck has one of those?”
“Two, actually.”
“Huh. Y’know, I don’t recall ever hearing about that before.
I mean, I think I would have noticed a car commercial saying ‘now with a bigger
Flux Capacitor or something.’”
“That’s because your truck is old. Newer ones have Ion
Capacitors.”
“That would explain it.”
“Great. Now please give me all of your money.”
Now obviously, they know I don’t know anything about cars. I
know it. They know it. Everyone knows it. I just hope that they’re at least
semi-honest and don’t bilk me on anything.
Besides, they don’t know Muffin likes to curl up behind the
seat. There’s also a small sign that says ‘I have anti-venom. Let’s make a deal.’
Cheers,
-Jason
3 comments:
If I had a car I'd try to look things up on the internet before going to a mechanic. Even if you're not going to fix something, it's good to know stuff about the stuff you're using. I have a body, and I certainly Google around for symptoms and remedies before contacting a doctor. Same thing now that I need to upgrade my computer: I search and read. Takes a lot longer though, since I have to read about every part.
See, what you've got to do is tear out the ion capacitor and install tiny squirrels you bribe with nuts. The higher quality the nuts, the more motivated your squirrels will be to learn mechanics. Then, you find the squirrel wearing overalls and a yellow hardhat, and negotiate a nut-to-repair ratio. The squirrels will then keep your car in running order with the plan of earning more nuts.
You don't really need an ion capacitor anyway, you just run into danger of time travel 'incidents' without a capacitor of some kind.
Good advice, Gillsing :)
Hmmm, tiny squirrels in overalls. Well, I've had worse plans. Just as long as they don't demand my macadamia nuts. I love those!
And that's good to know about the capacitor. I hate going back to the Jurassic period. You go back once and try to become their king and they just don't forget it.
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