Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Peanut Butter Logs


Okay, this one will take some back story. I don’t sleep well and getting up in the morning is a Sisyphean task. If, y’know, instead of rolling boulder up a hill, Sisyphus had to get out of bed. Maybe monkeys would throw him back in and he really has to pee or something. He could, of course, just pee in the bed, but then that would be gross and yeah.

So, bad analogy.

Anyway, I hate getting up in the morning. I put it off as long as humanely possible, which generally means that I have roughly 3.5 minutes to get ready in the morning. I can bathe and dress in 3.4 minutes, so no worries. Granted, I sometimes dress and then bathe, but if you show up at work soaking wet often enough, people stop caring.
However, in an effort to eat better, I’ve been taking my lunch. This means I only have approximately .1 minutes to make three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, deep down, I’m still ten.

NOTE: Natural peanut butter and low-calorie jelly, so it’s more-or-less healthy. I do use white bread, but that’s only because wheat tastes like dirt and the 13 (whatever number)-grain breads taste like dirt with rocks in it. Honestly, I cannot stand the taste. They literally make me gag.

Anyway, there I was this morning, soaking wet and trying to get the peanut butter to spread on the bread without reducing it to ribbons in the 12-seconds I have before I have to get out the door. And I then have yet another brilliant idea.

Peanut butter logs.

It’s a square log of peanut butter just smaller than a piece of bread and wrapped like a cube of butter. You take it out of the fridge, unwrap it, cut off a slice and just drop it onto the bread. There’s no spreading, no bread mangling, and no sticking your hand in a jar to get the last bit, getting stuck and ending up going to work soaking wet and with a jar stuck on your hand.

Plus, its hell trying to shift with a jar stuck on your hand (I had to learn to shift with my teeth).

It’s an idea so simple it took an idiot or a genius to think of it. I will let you decide which one I am.

Please forget that I have shown up at work soaking wet with a jar stuck on my hand when making that estimation.