Peanut Butter Logs

Seriously.

Okay, this one will take some back story. I don’t sleep well and getting up in the morning is a Sisyphean task. If, y’know, instead of rolling boulder up a hill, Sisyphus had to get out of bed. Maybe monkeys would throw him back in and he really has to pee or something. He could, of course, just pee in the bed, but then that would be gross and yeah.

So, bad analogy.

Anyway, I hate getting up in the morning. I put it off as long as humanely possible, which generally means that I have roughly 3.5 minutes to get ready in the morning. I can bathe and dress in 3.4 minutes, so no worries. Granted, I sometimes dress and then bathe, but if you show up at work soaking wet often enough, people stop caring.
However, in an effort to eat better, I’ve been taking my lunch. This means I only have approximately .1 minutes to make three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, deep down, I’m still ten.

NOTE: Natural peanut butter and low-calorie jelly, so it’s more-or-less healthy. I do use white bread, but that’s only because wheat tastes like dirt and the 13 (whatever number)-grain breads taste like dirt with rocks in it. Honestly, I cannot stand the taste. They literally make me gag.

Anyway, there I was this morning, soaking wet and trying to get the peanut butter to spread on the bread without reducing it to ribbons in the 12-seconds I have before I have to get out the door. And I then have yet another brilliant idea.

Peanut butter logs.

It’s a square log of peanut butter just smaller than a piece of bread and wrapped like a cube of butter. You take it out of the fridge, unwrap it, cut off a slice and just drop it onto the bread. There’s no spreading, no bread mangling, and no sticking your hand in a jar to get the last bit, getting stuck and ending up going to work soaking wet and with a jar stuck on your hand.

Plus, its hell trying to shift with a jar stuck on your hand (I had to learn to shift with my teeth).

It’s an idea so simple it took an idiot or a genius to think of it. I will let you decide which one I am.

Please forget that I have shown up at work soaking wet with a jar stuck on my hand when making that estimation.

Cheers,
-Jason

Don’t Push the Button

I was just settling in to start tomorrow’s blog when I noticed something. At the top of my keyboard is a button labeled ‘My Favorites.’

Now, I’ve had this keyboard for quite some time and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never, ever pushed that button. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed it before. And now, staring down at the keyboard, I’m realizing that there are actually fourteen buttons up there.

I counted. Twice.

The really silly thing is that they’re all silver and black, as opposed to the rest of the keys, which are black and silver, so you’d think I would’ve noticed them earlier. It’s like when I realized all the other kids had five toes on each foot.

Many of the buttons are labeled, such as ‘Calculator,’ ‘Search’ and ‘Mail.’ I pressed several of them, just to see what they’d do. Strangely enough, the Calculator button brought up the calculator. This is incredibly useful. I will no longer have to click on the Start Menu, go to All Programs, Accessories, and then click on Calculator. I can just push this one button.

Obviously, I will completely forget about this the next time I need a calculator, because honestly, I never look at my keyboard (obviously). My hands just type and words appear on the screen. Sometimes the words tell me to do strange things, like garden naked. This is ludicrous, seeing as I don’t have a garden and I just end up standing on my balcony with a trowel, hoping passerby’s realize that I’m really, really cold.

Which brings us back to the ‘My Favorites’ button. What would happen when I press it? Would a super-model holding a hot fudge sundae appear? Would a literary agent with a 7-figure contract call my cell? Would a super-model literary agent with a 7-figure contract and life-time supply of hot fudge sundaes knock on my door?

Sadly, none of the above. It brought up a menu with a bunch of blank cells and instructions on how to link web sites. So, no, no super-models. However, as noted, I’ll completely forget about these extra buttons soon, so someday I’ll rediscover them and be disappointed once again. And I’ll eventually do it again.

Sisyphus has his boulder. I have a ‘Favorites’ button.

Cheers,
-Jason