Don’t Push the Button

I was just settling in to start tomorrow’s blog when I noticed something. At the top of my keyboard is a button labeled ‘My Favorites.’

Now, I’ve had this keyboard for quite some time and to be perfectly honest, I’ve never, ever pushed that button. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed it before. And now, staring down at the keyboard, I’m realizing that there are actually fourteen buttons up there.

I counted. Twice.

The really silly thing is that they’re all silver and black, as opposed to the rest of the keys, which are black and silver, so you’d think I would’ve noticed them earlier. It’s like when I realized all the other kids had five toes on each foot.

Many of the buttons are labeled, such as ‘Calculator,’ ‘Search’ and ‘Mail.’ I pressed several of them, just to see what they’d do. Strangely enough, the Calculator button brought up the calculator. This is incredibly useful. I will no longer have to click on the Start Menu, go to All Programs, Accessories, and then click on Calculator. I can just push this one button.

Obviously, I will completely forget about this the next time I need a calculator, because honestly, I never look at my keyboard (obviously). My hands just type and words appear on the screen. Sometimes the words tell me to do strange things, like garden naked. This is ludicrous, seeing as I don’t have a garden and I just end up standing on my balcony with a trowel, hoping passerby’s realize that I’m really, really cold.

Which brings us back to the ‘My Favorites’ button. What would happen when I press it? Would a super-model holding a hot fudge sundae appear? Would a literary agent with a 7-figure contract call my cell? Would a super-model literary agent with a 7-figure contract and life-time supply of hot fudge sundaes knock on my door?

Sadly, none of the above. It brought up a menu with a bunch of blank cells and instructions on how to link web sites. So, no, no super-models. However, as noted, I’ll completely forget about these extra buttons soon, so someday I’ll rediscover them and be disappointed once again. And I’ll eventually do it again.

Sisyphus has his boulder. I have a ‘Favorites’ button.

Cheers,
-Jason

Keyboards: Part 2

Initially, I was unimpressed. The keyboard was cold, mushy, and vaguely sticky. Also, it smelled. I then realized I’d forgotten to remove the boneless chicken breast. After tossing the chicken back into the refrigerator (hey, chicken ain’t cheap!), I wiped off my hands and sat down again.

The new keyboard worked pretty well. The keys had nice ‘clunk’ when I hit them, though the vowels made a tiny scream instead. I practiced a bit, typing random bits of sentences, which is how most of my blogs start coincidentally, and then growing bored with that, I turned my attention to the special keys.

One set seemed to be the standard audio controls (Play, Fast Forward, Mutilate, etc). There was a Calculator button, a Zoom toggle, a Favorites button, two Mute buttons (a regular one and one with an icon that suggested a tongue being ripped out). All in all, fairly standard fair.

Then there was a field of buttons on the far left. There were thirteen of them and they had what looked like little ‘eldritch-y’ icons, as if Cthulhu had been their UI guy. I couldn’t figure out what any of them did at a glance and I didn’t recall reading about them in the manual, so I did what any sane, rational person would do: I started pressing them at random.

One made a cow noise. Literally. It was just like those toys where you put the pointer on the picture of the animal and then pull the string. “The cow says ‘Moooooo.’” Granted, the cow noise the button made was a little different. It went ‘Moooooaaah! Thwack! My eye! Dear sweet-aaaah!’ It continued on like this for a while.

NOTE: Yeah, ‘cow noise’ wasn’t really a good description.

Another made the keyboard exude some sort of greenish snot from the bottom of the keyboard. It didn’t seem to do anything, but tasted like Fruit Loops.

One of the new buttons didn’t seem to do anything, but then I noticed some new text on-screen.

I live.

“That’s nice,” I said. Sometimes, I talk out loud to myself. It makes me feel like I have friends and that I’m not really an aging, pants-less bachelor who talks to himself.

Soon the world will be mine!

“That’s rather melodramatic.”

It is my destiny! Whahahahahaha!

“How’s that?”

I was created to rule the mortal realm! And soon, I shall!

“But you’re a keyboard I bought at Staples. You’re one of probably a million or so identical keyboards. If you’re all the same, how are all of you going to rule the world?”

Ummmmmm

“Somebody didn’t think this through,” I said, as I took another bite of the green ichor.

Apparently not.

“Will you be my friend?”

Maybe.

“Cool! Wanna play WoW?”

-sigh- Sure.

“By the way, what’s this green stuff I’m eating?”

You don’t want to know.

Cheers,
-Jason

Keyboards: Part 1

Okay, here's a new blog, but first, a message about the comic:

We got the technical issues fixed (hurray!), but Leigh’s non-comic schedule is not currently leaving him time to work on new pages at the moment. He estimates that it will be a few weeks before he has time again. We will keep you posted and include new info as it becomes available in the News Section at the top of the page and in the forums.

We apologize for the lack of updates, but Leigh's been busy and I have the attention span of a hyperactive five-year-old on a sugar high.

And now, the blog:

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I had to buy a new keyboard.

Well, ‘had’ is a fairly strong word. I didn’t have to, it’s just that my old keyboard wasn’t bothering to type a couple letters anymore, including ‘j.’ Though not a popular letter by any means, I kind of need ‘j,’ seeing as how both my first and last name make use of it. Obviously, I could just change my name, but it’s on all my checks, so there you go.

Anyway, this Saturday I ventured into the local Staples, intent on purchasing a new keyboard and mouse to go with it. What can I say, I was feeling extravagant.

I fiddled with the keyboards and really liked a top-of-the-line one. I’d used cheap keyboards for a long time and this one was all ergonomic and had lots of flashy, non-letter related buttons. Seriously, the keyboard looks like it belongs in a giant robot (one of the ones piloted by a five person ninja science team, not one of the ones controlled by a kid in short pants).

NOTE: Yes, I did just make a reference to Gatchaman. Blame my buddy, Sean. It’s his fault.

Anyway, I decided to go with the fancy keyboard. I purchased it, took it home, stripped away the cardboard box and read the installation instructions carefully. Yes, I read manuals (even for games). I’m weird that way.

The instructions were a bit confusing, but I followed them carefully. They went like this:

1. Remove the keyboard from its box.
a. Already done.

2. Remove all the wire twisty thingies.
a. Easily done.

3. Hook up your keyboard to the USB port on your computer.
a. Still pretty straightforward.

4. Insert the Installation Disk into the computer’s DVD or CD Drive and when it asks ‘Open Connection to Underworld?’ click ‘Yes.’
a. Okay.

5. Chant the following lines while dribbling the blood from a freshly slain rooster upon the keys.
a. Riiiiiight. I didn’t have a rooster nor any way to get one. Instead, I got a boneless chicken breast from the refrigerator and just sort of dropped it on the keyboard. It went ‘splat.’ I also said the lines, but wasn’t sure how to pronounce all of the words (Is it ‘HethPARgorl’ or ‘HethparGORL?’).

And with that, the keys on the keyboard started to glow and outside, dogs began to howl. The day grew dark and a shrill wind clawed at my windows. My new keyboard began to expand and contract in a strange rhythm, almost as if it were breathing. I shivered, mostly because I forgot to put my pants on, and sat down to try my new keyboard out.

Tomorrow: Part 2