Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Keyboards: Part 2

Initially, I was unimpressed. The keyboard was cold, mushy, and vaguely sticky. Also, it smelled. I then realized I’d forgotten to remove the boneless chicken breast. After tossing the chicken back into the refrigerator (hey, chicken ain’t cheap!), I wiped off my hands and sat down again.

The new keyboard worked pretty well. The keys had nice ‘clunk’ when I hit them, though the vowels made a tiny scream instead. I practiced a bit, typing random bits of sentences, which is how most of my blogs start coincidentally, and then growing bored with that, I turned my attention to the special keys.

One set seemed to be the standard audio controls (Play, Fast Forward, Mutilate, etc). There was a Calculator button, a Zoom toggle, a Favorites button, two Mute buttons (a regular one and one with an icon that suggested a tongue being ripped out). All in all, fairly standard fair.

Then there was a field of buttons on the far left. There were thirteen of them and they had what looked like little ‘eldritch-y’ icons, as if Cthulhu had been their UI guy. I couldn’t figure out what any of them did at a glance and I didn’t recall reading about them in the manual, so I did what any sane, rational person would do: I started pressing them at random.

One made a cow noise. Literally. It was just like those toys where you put the pointer on the picture of the animal and then pull the string. “The cow says ‘Moooooo.’” Granted, the cow noise the button made was a little different. It went ‘Moooooaaah! Thwack! My eye! Dear sweet-aaaah!’ It continued on like this for a while.

NOTE: Yeah, ‘cow noise’ wasn’t really a good description.

Another made the keyboard exude some sort of greenish snot from the bottom of the keyboard. It didn’t seem to do anything, but tasted like Fruit Loops.

One of the new buttons didn’t seem to do anything, but then I noticed some new text on-screen.

I live.

“That’s nice,” I said. Sometimes, I talk out loud to myself. It makes me feel like I have friends and that I’m not really an aging, pants-less bachelor who talks to himself.

Soon the world will be mine!

“That’s rather melodramatic.”

It is my destiny! Whahahahahaha!

“How’s that?”

I was created to rule the mortal realm! And soon, I shall!

“But you’re a keyboard I bought at Staples. You’re one of probably a million or so identical keyboards. If you’re all the same, how are all of you going to rule the world?”


“Somebody didn’t think this through,” I said, as I took another bite of the green ichor.

Apparently not.

“Will you be my friend?”


“Cool! Wanna play WoW?”

-sigh- Sure.

“By the way, what’s this green stuff I’m eating?”

You don’t want to know.


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