Thursday, August 1, 2013

Mid-Life Crisis(es)

I’ve decided to start planning a mid-life crisis. Now, I know they’re supposed to happen spontaneously, but I live in a dark place with no other people, so if I don’t plan it, no one will know I’m having one.

So, as far as I can tell, having a mid-life crisis involves acting much younger than you actually are in a desperate attempt to recapture the glory of youth. My problem with that is that I still watch cartoons, eat Captain Crunch, drink soda, and wear t-shirts and jeans exclusively. If I act any younger, I’ll have to wander around town in a diaper.

To combat this, I plan on buying a pair of sensible slacks and eating boring cereal with lots of fiber. Then, when I’m feeling adult-ish, I’ll try and have a crisis where I act somewhat older than I normally do. So, technically, I’ll try and act my age so that I can not act my age.

Or something.

Anyway, once I reach the point of actually having the mid-life crisis, I will refer to the handy guide that I’ve outlined below:

Step 1: Get a convertible, preferably red. 

I own a pickup truck that is older than many of the people I work with. It has a hole in the roof that I normally shove a plastic bag into to keep the rain out. Since I cannot afford a sports-car, I will assume that this technically makes my truck a convertible. I don’t want to paint my truck red, however it often has flames coming out of it and flames are cool, so I think that’s okay.

Yes, I really should get that looked at, but the trail of smoke make it easy to find in the parking lot.

Step 2: Get a hairpiece.

I already have plenty of hair, so I think I’ve got this one covered as well. Granted, the vast majority of the hair is not on my head, but I consider that a minor inconvenience.

Step 3: Get an earring

I had an earring in college, mainly because my dad wouldn’t let me get one when I was in high school.  I didn’t really pay much attention to it and kind of forgot about it for a couple years. Eventually the back thingie fell off and I tossed it into a drawer. I suppose I could find it and shove it back in, but that would probably hurt. However, having had an earring, I think I can just check it off the list.

Step 4: Date a much younger woman

This is the tricky one, as I have trouble getting dates with women my own age, much less one who is younger. I mean, I have a truck with a hole in it that belches flame, hair in inappropriate places, and an earring in a drawer. These are not three things conducive to romance, so unless there’s a highly specialized online dating site for old hairy guys with old trucks and closed up holes in their ears who want to meet younger women, I may be out of luck.

Step 5: Don’t bother

Yeah, that’s probably the safe solution. I mean, I want a woman to love me because of who I am, not because I (hypothetically) have a nice car, hair, and facial adornments. Granted, who I am is not much of a catch, so yeah, back to the dark place with no other people.

Unless there’s a dating site for that, which would be cool.