Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Grace of a Master

I happened to be running on the treadmill the other day when something strange happened. No, I wasn’t attacked by ninjas, mimes, or even yeti. Nor was I hit by a pie, sprayed with water (with a hint of lemon), or bitten by a wombat.

NOTE: Do wombats bite people? I honestly don’t know. I mean, I suppose they could if they were so inclined. Could be a good superhero name: ‘The Wombat.’

So what did happen? I almost fell off the stupid thing.

I’m not quite sure how it happened, as I was running along at my usual pace (1.2 mph), in a nice state of zoned out, when suddenly I was flying through the air.

Now, most people would have simply fallen, but having studied kung-fu for almost three months back in ’92, I knew what to do. As I was flying sideways, headfirst towards the wall, I slapped the bar on the treadmill with my left hand, which righted my face up. I then used my right hand to catch the wall and shift my weight, causing me to do a complete flip, whereupon I landed on my feet in the ‘typing monkey’ stance.

Seriously, it looked like something out of a Yuen Wo Ping movie. I was so graceful I almost gave myself a round of applause.

Let me reassure you that I did not fall flat on my face. I landed with all the poise of a swan that had taken ballet. I absolutely did not flail wildly for 1.3 seconds before landing butt-first on the treadmill, only to be tossed off the back of the still moving machine like a hairy ragdoll.

That did not happen. And seeing as how no one else was there, there’s no way to prove that it did.

Unless there was a ninja with a cell-phone nearby. In which case, I’ll claim it was all done in Photoshop.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Captain Myopia

Some of you might be familiar with the rich world of comics: the vast panoply of colorful costumes, outlandish origins, phenomenal powers, and staggering  . . . uh . . . stuff. If you’re not, well, they mostly consist of people in weird outfits hitting each other in a variety of ways. There are good guys and bad guys and sometimes they switch sides, occasionally multiple times. In all honesty, it’s a lot like pro-wrestling, save that the super-types don’t sweat as much.

I’m guessing it’s because it’s hard to draw sweat, but I digress.

NOTE: I’m very pleased with myself for getting ‘panoply’ in one shot.

Anyway, I was reading some comics the other day and a thought occurred to me: I would look horrible in a Power Girl outfit. Seriously. And as long as I’m being honest, I would look horrible in any costume, save perhaps for a suit of armor.

Actually, that was the second thought. My first thought was: I don’t think there are any heroes who wear glasses.

Oh, some of the science-y types like Reed Richards and Hank McCoy (aka: Beast), will sometimes wear glasses when they’re building guns that fire sharks with sledge-hammer wielding monkeys glued to them, but they don’t regularly wear them.

Clark Kent does wear them, but that doesn’t count, as its part of a disguise. I’ve never seen Superman wear glasses. Granted, I’ve also never seen a panel where Superman breaks wind, but there you go.

In all honesty, I can’t think of a single ‘super’ character that wears glasses or even contacts. Statistically speaking, one in some number of people wears glasses (it’s true, I looked it up), so it would make sense that at least some of the superheroes would need them.

So, as an MA (Myopic American), I would like to ask, nay, ask politely, for somebody to slap some specs on a super. Seriously.

And call him Captain Myopia.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Fantastic Idea #21

I have had yet another fantastic idea. I’m not sure if it’s actually #21 or not. I mean, I have fantastic ideas all the time, but they usually rely on large amounts of money, my gaining super powers and/or use of the Force, and an abundance of super-models in my immediate vicinity. So while always fantastic, my ideas aren’t particularly feasible.

This one, however, is not only practical and fantastic, it’s useful.

A bit of background: I was at the gym the other day, staggering along on the treadmill, when a young woman came in and began working out with the free weights. She was right across from me, so I couldn’t help but notice that the entire time she was working out, she was also talking on a cell phone. She would pick up a weight, do a couple reps, switch her phone to her other hand, and then do some more reps. She literally never stopped talking as she did rows, curls, presses, and spasms (or something).

NOTE: I never really learned the names of all the exercises. I mean, I know what a bicep curl is, but beyond that it’s ‘the one that makes your butt hurt’ or ‘no, the other one that makes your butt hurt.’

That’s when it hit me. No, not the idea, the floor. I think I might’ve passed out a tiny bit, as I was suddenly horizontal and staring at the ceiling. It was then that I had Fantastic Idea #21.

Weighted phones.

Yep, you read that correctly.

  1. Take an ordinary weight
  2. Glue a cell phone clip to it
  3. Insert cell phone
  4. Call a friend (or enemy, don’t really care)
  5. Talk and at the same time, get a mild upper body workout

And the best part? If someone gives you a dirty look for being on your phone at an inappropriate time, say a funeral, you can just say ‘excuse me, I’m working out here.’ That should shut them up. And if it doesn’t, you can always hit them with the weight you happen to holding.

Now I just need to find a celebrity willing to star in my new video exercise program, the ‘talk-out.’

Clever, yes?