Thursday, July 25, 2013

I Lied

The next part of the Clown War saga is not yet ready, so I lied. Those of you who were waiting for more thrilling adventures of me, the Dame, and a largely un-credited cast of ninjas, mimes, and clowns will, unfortunately, have to wait a bit longer.

In other news, it’s stupidly hot. It was over 90 degrees today and small animals were spontaneously combusting with frightening regularity. I saw a whole tree full of squirrels go up at once and it was not pretty, though I did get a free lunch. Now, in many parts of the country, 90 degrees is not that hot, but in central Oregon where AC is rare, it’s frickin’ miserable. I have five fans set up around the house and all they really do is help maintain the illusion that it’s not as hot as I think it is (which is a lie).

I’m pretty much hot and sticky all day and this is not something the public at large should be exposed to. I mean, I vaguely nauseate me, so I can’t imagine what it’s like for normal people. There is a reason I work in computer games and not as a male exotic dancer/mathematician. Hint: it’s not just because I suck at math.

Actually, a male exotic dancer/mathematician who solved crimes using his perfect pecs and stunning statistics could be a great TV show. I could call it: Trig & Abs or T & A for short. 

Okay, fine. It’s not perfect, but I’ve seen worse.

In other news, there really is no other news. World’s still spinning. The new royal baby already makes more than I do. I need a haircut. Life goes on.

Y’know, I should market T&A to the Sci-Fi Channel. Or is it Si-Fi? Anyway, they put Sharknado on the air, T&A is comparatively rather sane.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Time Flies

Tempus fugit, as the Romans would say. Though, in all honesty, I have no idea if they even said that. They might have said something like ‘time crawls twixt the nether regions of Zeus.’ They were Romans. It’s possible.

So, it’s been a little while since I blogged. You see, I lost a quarter at the park and have been looking for it ever since. Night after night you could find me in the park, wearing camouflaged lederhosen and waving a piece of traffic kill I found over my head on a stick. This, as all the experts will attest, is how one finds a quarter. At night. In a roughly 12 square mile park.

Y’know, now that I’ve typed it out, it does seem a little strange. Man, I really do miss that quarter though.

NOTE: I don’t know what it was that I had on the end of my stick. As far as I can tell, it had no less than three legs, though no more than six, when it was alive.

I also talked to an attorney. This may not surprise those of you who’ve read the previous paragraphs. Or any of my other blogs. Or talked to me. Ever. Yet, in actuality, he was a trademark attorney who was advising me on trademarkery for one of my schemes. Said scheme will ideally arrive next year in book form, assuming I can get about a 100 grand and I can find a left-handed Asian Elvis impersonator. No, I can’t tell you why.

In other news, I have a grey hair on my chest. Not terribly surprising, I know, but it was kind of a shock when I saw it. There I was, doing my pre-shower sanding whilst whistling a jaunty sea tune and I happened to notice a rather long gray hair in the exact middle of my chest next to the bullet hole. I immediately yanked it out as a warning to the others, but alas, more have cropped up. I may have to threaten them with a bottle of Nair or something.

Anyway, look to a new blog next week. I’m planning on continuing the Clown War saga, so weirdness will abound.