Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Super Science Kung-Fu

So, there was an Ant-Man trailer that was up showing Ant-Man beating up a bunch of thugs using his size shifting power. However, it has been removed so there will be no visual aid for today’s blog.

Anyway, for the uninitiated (aka, those who had lives in high school), Ant-Man is one of the original Avengers. He invented a substance that allowed him to change his size and in keeping with his theme, a helmet that allowed him to control ants. Which begs the question: did he go for the whole ‘ant’ thing in the beginning or was he just banging around in the lab one day and accidentally figured out how to control ants? I dunno.

Now, in the trailer that is no longer viewable, Ant-Man sneaks into a base using his size-altering powers and then beats the tar out of two guards, going so far as to shrink down and then leap into one of the guard’s mouths to render a very up close and personal pummeling. Essentially, punching the guy out from the inside, as it were. 

He successfully takes out the two guards and looks pretty cool doing it. Score one (or two) for Ant-Man. This beat-down, however, raises a question for me: when did he learn to fight? I mean, he’s not just punching guys, he’s leaping about and dropping some serious kung-fu.

NOTE: I’m not questioning how he manages to alter his size. It’s his punching people that gives me a problem. Yes, my priorities are kinda weird.

Seriously, when did he learn to fight? I’m gonna guess that being a super-scientist takes up a lot of your time, so at what point did he learn how to kick ass on a professional MMA level? Was this a requirement at Super Science school? What did the curriculum look like?

Super Biology 203: Put the ‘M’ in Mutant
Super Chemistry 703: Explosions are your Friend
Super Physics A12: LASERS!
Kung-Fu 101: Punching People: A Primer

It’s just one of those things that bug (pun intended) me about super hero movies. Hitting people is not effortless and easy. In fact, if you do it wrong, you can break your hand. So where do they all learn this? Spider-Man gets a pass, as he’s really tough. Black Widow, Hawkeye, Thor, and Captain America all had training. The Hulk is, well, the Hulk. I did like that in Iron Man 2 they show Tony training.

Anyway, I’m as excited as the next nerd to see Ant-Man. And the Guardians of the Galaxy. And Avengers 3. Frankly Marvel, just make more movies. 


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Prostate Avenger

Yes, you read the title right. Don’t worry. It’ll all make sense soon. Or it may not, I dunno. Maybe.

Anyway, my week has particularly hectic, what with all the phone calls and such. People keep calling me. My brother, my sister, my psychiatrist, my psychiatrist’s psychiatrist (apparently, I’ve given my psychiatrist some issues he needs to work through), my mom, the usual random death threats and heavy breathing, etc. So, that’s why this blog is so late in the week.

I was just going to post it next week, but then I realized I couldn’t let all three of my readers down like that, so I soldier on.

Anyway, back to the title. 

I happen to be watching television the other evening while eating dinner. No, I don’t have a table where I eat at. I don’t, in fact, have a kitchen table at all. I had one once, but it broke when I threw a guy onto it.

Seriously. It was just one of those things you do when you’re twenty-two and someone asks ‘Hey, what would happen if Kurt got thrown onto the table?’

Answer: Table breaks. Kurt is fine.

So, there I was, eating my chicken and watching TV when a commercial for a new prostate medicine came on. It featured the usual graying, handsome man with a gorgeous wife who was leading an active, productive life, save for his prostate troubles. Now, being none of the things, I mostly just tuned out until they announced the name of the new prostate drug. No, I don’t remember what it was, but that’s the point. All these drugs have very . . . well, druggy names like Xanabol or Prosticate or Darminalisin-something or other. Names I’m not going to remember.

And then it occurred to me: Why not name these drugs something people will not only remember, but will make them actively seek it out? Hence: Prostate Avenger! It seeks out evil and destroys it! In your prostate!
I would totally buy that product. I don’t even need it and I would buy it, just so I could have tiny, prostate avenging drugs in my system.

NOTE: In my mind, the little drug molecules would be wearing capes. This only makes it better.

Just think of the drugs we could be taking, instead of Dull-atin or Boring-vita, we could have Captain Colon. Forget Viagra, let’s call it Boner Fuel. High blood pressure? Take The Eliminator.

Basically, if it would work for a pro-wrestler, it would work for drugs.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go take my Melatonin, or rather, Knock You the F**K Out!