Thursday, March 7, 2013

Prostate Avenger

Yes, you read the title right. Don’t worry. It’ll all make sense soon. Or it may not, I dunno. Maybe.

Anyway, my week has particularly hectic, what with all the phone calls and such. People keep calling me. My brother, my sister, my psychiatrist, my psychiatrist’s psychiatrist (apparently, I’ve given my psychiatrist some issues he needs to work through), my mom, the usual random death threats and heavy breathing, etc. So, that’s why this blog is so late in the week.

I was just going to post it next week, but then I realized I couldn’t let all three of my readers down like that, so I soldier on.

Anyway, back to the title. 

I happen to be watching television the other evening while eating dinner. No, I don’t have a table where I eat at. I don’t, in fact, have a kitchen table at all. I had one once, but it broke when I threw a guy onto it.

Seriously. It was just one of those things you do when you’re twenty-two and someone asks ‘Hey, what would happen if Kurt got thrown onto the table?’

Answer: Table breaks. Kurt is fine.

So, there I was, eating my chicken and watching TV when a commercial for a new prostate medicine came on. It featured the usual graying, handsome man with a gorgeous wife who was leading an active, productive life, save for his prostate troubles. Now, being none of the things, I mostly just tuned out until they announced the name of the new prostate drug. No, I don’t remember what it was, but that’s the point. All these drugs have very . . . well, druggy names like Xanabol or Prosticate or Darminalisin-something or other. Names I’m not going to remember.

And then it occurred to me: Why not name these drugs something people will not only remember, but will make them actively seek it out? Hence: Prostate Avenger! It seeks out evil and destroys it! In your prostate!
I would totally buy that product. I don’t even need it and I would buy it, just so I could have tiny, prostate avenging drugs in my system.

NOTE: In my mind, the little drug molecules would be wearing capes. This only makes it better.

Just think of the drugs we could be taking, instead of Dull-atin or Boring-vita, we could have Captain Colon. Forget Viagra, let’s call it Boner Fuel. High blood pressure? Take The Eliminator.

Basically, if it would work for a pro-wrestler, it would work for drugs.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go take my Melatonin, or rather, Knock You the F**K Out!



Azrael said...

[Edna Mode]"NO CAPES!"[/Edna Mode] :P

Jason Janicki said...

Bonus points for quoting one of my favorite movies :)