Wednesday, February 27, 2013

King of the Dinosaurs

A frequent commenter on my blogs who shall remain nameless (Rahel Sewell) suggested in a sideways fashion that I recount how I became King of the Dinosaurs.

She said, and I quote “You should totally find a way to use that. XD”

So I did.

In truth, the story is not that grand. I realized that there was no current King of the Dinosaurs and basically nominated myself to the position. As there were no objections, I took the crown for my own.

And wore it, as one does.

That’s really it. My kingdom is small, to say the least, as most of my people are entombed under hundreds of tons of rock and the rest are standing very still in archaeological exhibits. I tried to free some of them by walking into the local museum and announcing in a firm, loud voice “Curator! Let my people go!”

Things went downhill from there. After being released from jail, I was told in no uncertain terms not to return to the museum. This makes the third museum I’ve been barred from in the state of Oregon, which might be a record.

Anyway, being a ruler without any subjects is rather boring. I can make all the decrees I want, but with no one to force them upon, I might as well be some nutcase in a tin-foil crown.

NOTE: It’s a Burger King crown. They usually don’t give them to adults, but I cried.

So, I’m now trying to create a new race of dinosaurs. I’ve heard that birds are descendents of dinosaurs, so I’m trying to cross-breed one with an iguana.  Neither seemed particularly interested. I even tried to get them excited by googling ‘dinosaur porn’ and showing it to them.

DO NOT DO THIS!  Seriously. You've been warned.

After abandoning the chicken/iguana thing, I’ve now devoted my time to trying to explain to the alligators at the zoo that as their sovereign lord, they should do my bidding. The results have been mixed. They’re pretty good at ‘stay’ and ‘eat stuff,’ but they seemed confused by ‘annihilate my enemies.’

And their trigger discipline sucks.

Yet, I will continue to try and build a mighty dinosaur army. If you hear reports of T-Rex’s taking over Oregon, rest assured that I was successful.



Rahel Sewell said...

Hahaaa!! Brilliant.
And ohmygod, you named me in a post!! Yeees, fame and fortune shall be MINE. Mwahahahahh!!

Good luck with the dino-dominion! If- no, when I get a hold of dino babies, I'll send you one. You're cool with Fed Ex, right?

Michael Suttkus, II said...

King of Dinosaurs is cool and all, but I named myself King of Archosaurs, so that I could rule both dinosaurs and pterodactyls. Pterodactyls are too cool not to include! This could be your problem, I outrank you by picking a group that includes dinosaurs and other cool stuff. You will have to up your game, declare yourself King of Amniotes or King of Vertebrates. I could have taken those, but I didn't want the added responsibility of having to rule rodents. They gnaw on everything! And I have stuff!

Antonious said...

Oh dear. I guess I must stir these aged bones and inform you, just as inform all who question my age; I was old when the dinosaurs crawled out of the swamps. I am the reason the dinosaurs ruled the earth so long. I kept kicking them back into the swamps until they became strong enough to throw me in.

Jason Janicki said...

I will gladly accept a dino baby from you, Rahel. I will even call it the Rahellinator :)

Okay, Michael, you're knowledge of dinosaurs and related things trumps mine. Therefore, I will name myself King of Cool Stuff, which should, theoretically, include dinosaurs, pterodactyls, and pirates :)

So, Antonious, if the meteor wiped out the dinosaurs, but not you, then you were still stronger than them, meaning you let them throw you into the swamp? I'm confused :) Then again, you might have had a Ring of +5 vs. Meteors or something.