I gave blood last weekend and it was the usual cavalcade of tears, hyperventilating, shrieking, and hysterics that the good people of the Lane Blood Center put up with every time I appear. I even get the ‘special room’ all to myself. This is a private, but small suite that a more suspicious person might think was an empty closet.
I however, am not that suspicious. Or smart.
So, as I finally got situated with the needle in my arm leading to the standard five-gallon bucket, the attending phlebotomist double-checked everything, making sure the straps were tight enough and all that, then she said the words.
“Thank you,” she said. “You’re helping to save lives.”
NOTE: I got ‘phlebotomist’ right on the first try. Go me!
Now, this might seem strange to you, but it had never really occurred to me that my blood would actually go into another person. It was, as the title suggests, a frightening thought.
I mean, I’m a fort-mumble-something hairy white guy with delusions of fighting ninjas who is inordinately pleased when he can spell ‘phlebotomist’ right on the first try. Should they really be distributing my blood willy-nilly throughout the land like Halloween candy? I mean, if Halloween was all the time and not just once a year. Otherwise the analogy would just be dumb.
Anyway, if you think you might actually have some of my blood in you, here are some pointers to help you through the experience.
- Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear. Fear leads to something else (I can’t remember). Just don’t panic.
- The hair growth is permanent, but if you can find a good electrologist (nope, had to look that one up), it can be checked.
- If you start talking to yourself, just get a Bluetooth ear-thingy. People will assume you’re on the phone.
- You will crave 3-Musketeers bars and Coca-Cola. This is okay in moderation.
- If you encounter a ninja, it’s okay to punch them. Seriously.
- If you are a ninja and are alone, immediately remove any weapons you might have on your person. You don’t want to inflict a fatal injury on yourself. If there are other ninjas around, feel free to punch them (tell them its training).
- Lastly, immediately invest in a large quantity of industrial strength deodorant.
And just so we’re clear, I’m not responsible for anything that might happen while my blood is coursing through your veins. This is not because I’m mean, it’s because I can barely take care of myself, much less someone else.