Scooby Don't

There is a trend in entertainment lately, as in like the last five or so years, to remake old shows and movies and make them ‘dark’ and ‘edgy.’ This can certainly work, but lately I feel like they’ve been really plumbing the depths to try and find old shows to bring ‘up-to-date,’ so to speak.

Therefore, since everyone else is doing it, I figured I’d give it a shot.

So, here’s my take on a new, dark, gritty, Scooby-Doo.

NOTE: I am aware that the Venture Brothers did a riff on this a number of years ago.

The basic premise of the show stays the same: the gang travels around the country in the Mystery Machine, solving a variety of crimes involving old people pretending to be ghosts and monsters, actual ghosts, actual monsters, and a wide variety of criminals, some of whom are also ghosts and/or monsters.

Here’s the updated characters.

Velma – A scientist turned paranormal researcher, she left her lucrative job to investigate the paranormal, bringing her expertise and fondness for explosives with her.

Catchphrase: ‘Jinkies,’ said low and menacingly, as something explodes.

Shaggy – An ex-biker with copious tattoos, a pair of .357s, and a penchant for straight whiskey. The last of the Devil’s Dozen, his whole gang was wiped out by a werewolf and now he rides with a silver bullet always at the ready.

Catchprase – ‘Zoinks’ – said when he’s about to shoot something in the face.

Scooby – The mascot of the Devil’s Dozen, he survived the massacre and accompanies Shaggy, looking for revenge against the werewolf.

Daphne – A psychic, Daphne tries to use her abilities to help people and protect the world from paranormal threats, using her abilities to summon hordes of undead and bring peace to lost souls. An eyepatch covers a dead eye, which can see beyond the veil.

Favorite Color: Purple

Fred – Fred is exactly like his original cartoon character is always horrified by the things his companions say and do. He constantly tries to escape, but the others always catch him, but interpret his frequent attempts to flee as a running gag.

Catch-phrase – ‘Aaaaagh!’ – uttered whenever anything happens.

A sample scene:

Shaggy – Taking aim at a ghoul. “I hate ghouls!”

Fred – “Stop!” He runs in front of Shaggy and grabs the ghoul, pulling off the mask. “It’s just old man Henderson!”

Old Man Henderson – “The money would have been mine, if not for y-“

Shaggy - “Zoinks” - shoots Old Man Henderson. 

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Daphne peers at the corpse. “He’s not dead yet. I can fix that.”

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Velma – “I’ll just blow up the house. They’ll never find the body.”

Fred – “Aaaaaaaagh!”

Scooby starts to gnaw on Old Man Henderson’s leg.

Fred – “What are you maniacs doing? He was just an old man!”

Shaggy – “He shouldn’ta f***ed with the Scooby Gang. C’mon, drinks’re on me!”

The others cheer as Velma sets up a bomb. They all walk away, Shaggy dragging Fred.

Velma – “Jinkies!” She activates a switch.

The house blows up.

I will accept my Emmy now.

Cheers,

-Jason