Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Peanut Butter Logs


Okay, this one will take some back story. I don’t sleep well and getting up in the morning is a Sisyphean task. If, y’know, instead of rolling boulder up a hill, Sisyphus had to get out of bed. Maybe monkeys would throw him back in and he really has to pee or something. He could, of course, just pee in the bed, but then that would be gross and yeah.

So, bad analogy.

Anyway, I hate getting up in the morning. I put it off as long as humanely possible, which generally means that I have roughly 3.5 minutes to get ready in the morning. I can bathe and dress in 3.4 minutes, so no worries. Granted, I sometimes dress and then bathe, but if you show up at work soaking wet often enough, people stop caring.
However, in an effort to eat better, I’ve been taking my lunch. This means I only have approximately .1 minutes to make three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yes, deep down, I’m still ten.

NOTE: Natural peanut butter and low-calorie jelly, so it’s more-or-less healthy. I do use white bread, but that’s only because wheat tastes like dirt and the 13 (whatever number)-grain breads taste like dirt with rocks in it. Honestly, I cannot stand the taste. They literally make me gag.

Anyway, there I was this morning, soaking wet and trying to get the peanut butter to spread on the bread without reducing it to ribbons in the 12-seconds I have before I have to get out the door. And I then have yet another brilliant idea.

Peanut butter logs.

It’s a square log of peanut butter just smaller than a piece of bread and wrapped like a cube of butter. You take it out of the fridge, unwrap it, cut off a slice and just drop it onto the bread. There’s no spreading, no bread mangling, and no sticking your hand in a jar to get the last bit, getting stuck and ending up going to work soaking wet and with a jar stuck on your hand.

Plus, its hell trying to shift with a jar stuck on your hand (I had to learn to shift with my teeth).

It’s an idea so simple it took an idiot or a genius to think of it. I will let you decide which one I am.

Please forget that I have shown up at work soaking wet with a jar stuck on my hand when making that estimation.



Anonymous said...

This is the reason I bookmark this page! Freaking hilarious!


Ed said...

You don't want peanut butter logs. You want individually wrapped peanut butter slices. Kind of like american cheese, except instead of cheese, it's peanut butter.

Because, thanks to having the healthy kind of peanut butter, and not eating peanut butter very often, I know just how hard it is to slice through a brick of peanut butter. You'd need a vorpal butter knife to cut through it in even twice the time it currently takes you to spread the butter.

But if the slices are wrapped in plastic, they can already be mixed with the right amount of oil without homogenization, so they'll merely be slimy, rather than hard as a nut. Of course, you need to have the right plastic; you don't want the peanut oil messing with the plastic or vis versa.

Gillsing said...

According to "Scandinavia and the World", peanut butter tends to stick to the roof of the mouth. In combination with (and as extrapolation of) my own experiences with eating a lot of peanuts, I've decided to not try out peanut butter.

Also, white bread? Isn't that made of wheat? Were you by any chance thinking of rye or something like that? Personally I guess that'd be the kind of bread I prefer, but it's kind of hard to say for sure when I'm not sure what's what.

Rahel said...

Hmm... Well, after work, you could spread penut butter onto some wax paper and freeze it. Then, in the morning, you could take it out, peel it off the paper, slap it on the bread, and let it defrost on your way to work! =D
It sounds like a sure-fire plot to me. =}

Anonymous said...

Two things. First you could try white wheat. Appaarently it tastes like white bread. Second you could plan ahead but knowing most people don't work ahead just get frozen pb&j sandwiches such as uncrustables. Also I agree with Ed individual sets would be much better.

Sul_Zala said...

Try rye bread once in a while, it's tasty. As is sunflower seed bread and pumpkin seed bread (the seeds are on the outside).

On the topic of sleeping, try a matress that is harder or put some additional pillows under your head so that your head is a bit higher while sleeping. Also, I always have a bottle of water next to my bed so I don't have to get up when I wake up thirsty at night.

Hope it helps.

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks for all the tips, guys!

Now I want a vorpal butter knife :)

Ed said...

Well, if we're just giving out general advice, then you should probably also try out Breathe Right Nasal Strips. They're basically little pieces of stiff plastic with a little adhesive on them. You put them on your nose before bed, and they help you breathe a little easier. Personally, I prefer the ones for sensitive skin, which have a distinctive appearance because they're clear.

If I'm not mistaken, the definition of butter knife includes 'not sharp', which is kind of the exact opposite of vorpal.

@Gillsing: arachibutyrophobia is over-hyped. Try the peanut butter with jelly, spread the peanut butter thin, and you'll be fine.

White bread is made from finely ground wheat. Surprisingly, that has a significant impact on the taste, and also the fiber. (Supposedly nutrients, too, but I don't recall ever hearing any specifically listed.)

Potato bread can also be good. It's about the same color as white bread, it's a bit heavier, and ever so slightly sturdier (or, if you're talking classic Wonder Bread for your white, it's a heck of a lot sturdier than that - that's nearly as non-sturdy as bread gets.)

@Rahel: While wax paper was the original 'release paper', we've found numerous improved materials, depending upon exactly what adhesive you're wanting to not have stick to it. I'm sure we've found something that will stick less to peanut butter than wax paper, and will not get wax on your peanut butter...

Gillsing said...

Oh Ed, I didn't want to go into the specifics of the experiences I extrapolated from. Let's just say that it involved wiping. Lots and lots of wiping. Finely ground peanuts, such as after merely chewing them thoroughly, turned out to stick rather well.

It was an experiment, as I usually don't bother chewing peanuts very thoroughly, which I thought may have led to other problems with the 'final product'. But that wasn't it, I guess.

Anonymous said...

May I present to you, one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century....

Peanut Butter slices:


Just like individually wrapped slices of processed cheese but peanut butter...