Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pillow Fluffing: OF DOOM!

I don’t want to be a downer, but I haven’t been doing too great lately. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m tired and listless and just don’t have any energy. It’s gotten to the point where I even dread coming home.

You see, my apartment is haunted.

No, seriously.

About twice a week, my TV will turn on when I enter the room. Sometimes, my phone will also click on when I walk by. There’s a vague, lemony smell in the kitchen (and no, I haven’t cleaned or mistaken the Lysol for juice again) and I swear the whole place has been dusted and obviously, I didn’t do that. I’m even pretty sure that at one point, the toilet paper roll was changed. And I don’t even have any.

It’s like I have an invisible, incredibly considerate roommate and it’s driving me nuts.

Now, I realize this sounds like a dream come true. Who wouldn’t want an incorporeal butler? Yet here’s the problem: I have an entire trunk full of undead fighting equipment that I can’t bring myself to use.

I’ve got Bibles, crosses, stakes, garlic, silver bullets, lead bullets, Shinto sacred rope, a recording of the tiny woman from Poltergeist saying ‘this house is clean,’ a blessed shovel, brass knuckles, a little electronic doohickey that makes ‘bleep’ noises so I can pretend I’m a Ghostbuster, three small-ish band-aids, a leg from a chair Sarah Michelle Geller once sat on, a mirror, a ten-foot pole, a magic 8-ball, and a plastic sword that screams when you push a button on the handle.

In short, I am prepared to fight anything from vampires (both regular and sparkly) to werewolves to poltergeists and I can’t do it. It would be like slugging a little old lady for making you tea. I have literally been itching to fight a ghost for as long as I can remember and when I finally find one, it turns out to be very pleasant.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s fluffing my pillow right now.

Screaming heads in the fridge I could handle. Knick-knacks flying off shelves? No worries. Voices cursing at me in Latin? Whatever. Blood dripping down the walls and flies everywhere? Pshaw, I do that myself.

NOTE: Yes, I do sometimes realize why I’m still single.

So, yeah. I’m prepared for a battle to the death with the forces of evil and I get a consideration and not having to turn on the TV.

Sigh. I kinda miss the ninjas.

Cheers,
-Jason

10 comments:

Insectoid said...

Jason, are you sure it isn't invisible, incredibly considerate ninjas?

Rahel said...

I have an idea! You could join forces with the ghost, and fight evil spirits!!! =D
That would be COOL.

PS! Please go easy on werewolves. They just want red meat! (rabbit if you can get it *drool*) I'm sure if you gave them a steak or two, they'd be happy to be your watch dogs. =)

Captain Hesperus said...

Ghosts? Pshaw, Obviously you don't know the 'infiltrate, fumigate, decontaminate, assassinate' tactics of a lurking Honey Badger horde....
You were warned, action would be taken for breaking the Artist.

The_Mess said...

My ghost turns my satellite receiver on and off, as well as changes the channel at inopportune moments. He doesn't actually turn the TV on or off, but will change the channel, even when it is turned off. I presume he has some supernatural ability to watch televisions that are not on.

You know, it would almost be worth dying to get that as a power.

Anonymous said...

Just try this: Address your ghosts and DEMAND in a firm voice that they leave since this is your space. It should work.

Anonymous said...

No need to be tired and listless!

Ghosts are in herantly bored (its dusting for god's sake). Just pay it the least bit of attention and you'll have a loyal, if some what flaky and incorporial, companion.

Leave out a glass of wine or beer in the lemony room. Tell it what interests you. Thank it politely for dusting and rest easy.

In the morning pour out the wine/beer on the grass as a libation.

Ed said...

I've done some research. You should rest easy.

Your stakes, garlic, led bullets, Poltergeist recording, brass knuckles, bleeper, band-aids, Sarah Geller chair leg, mirror, ten foot pool, magic 8-ball, and plastic sword will not cause any harm to your invisible roommate. However, it's possible (not likely, but possible) that it could use the magic 8-ball to communicate with you.

It's unlikely that all of the rest of the gear would be problematic. But without knowing more about your ghost, it'd be hard to say. Also, I'm not actually interested in doing any more research on this stuff, so if you gave me more details about your ghost, I'd, at best, post back something like, "ah. interesting." and that's it.

Ed said...

*GAH*. *LEAD* bullets.

Sul_Zala said...

Eh, your ghost is nice. Mine makes the kitchen stink when I don't leave the window open and messes with my laptop touchpad. Everywhere I'm using it.

Jason Janicki said...

Considerate ninjas? I would just assume they're trying to lull me into a false sense of security.

Joining forces with the ghost would be cool. Assuming it could do something other than turn the tv on. I'll have to use this in a blog at some point (I'll credit you, Rahel :))

The artist is on the mend, Cap. :)

Changing channels without getting up is what children are for, The_Mess. At least, that's what my mom told me :)

I would prefer to DEMAND that the ghost do the vacuuming as well. I'll have to see if that works.

Advice taken, Anon :)

I won't trouble you for more research, Ed :)

I actually make the kitchen stinky all on my own, Sul_Zula :)