Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Hockey Puck

My apartment is filled with smoke right now. Oh, not to worry, it’s not at asphyxiation level. At least I hope not, as I replaced my smoke detector with a cobra. And no, I didn’t stable a snake to the ceiling. I simply removed the contents of the smoke detector and then enlarged the space behind it so the cobra could fit comfortably.

My upstairs neighbors were a touch surprised, but they didn’t complain much, possibly because I had a live cobra.

Anyway, my apartment is filled with smoke due to the fact that I put a perfectly good piece of steak in a pan and more or less set it on fire. It was metaphorical fire, as there were no actual flames, but the steak was pretty much a hockey puck when I was done.

And why did I do this? Simple, I was trying to cook.

I’ll give you a moment to clean the spit off your monitor.

I’m not exactly sure why I decided to cook. I may have been slightly hallucinating when I went to the supermarket last weekend (all the cobra bites), but somehow I ended up with a tray of steaks and a big bag of dog food. I don’t know, maybe they were on sale.

So I decided to eat them. The steaks, not the dog food. Though, dog food is edible. Don’t ask how I know that.

Anyway, tonight I decided to heat up a pan and throw a steak in it. I probably shouldn’t have wandered away to watch cartoons, as eventually I noticed there was more smoke than usual. This led to the discovery of the hockey puck and the opening of several windows.

Seeing that I’d mostly failed to cook the steak, I decided to do some research before attempting to cook again. It was either that or eat the dog food. Seeing as how I don’t own any cookbooks and my mother changed her number without telling me (again), I went to the web for answers.

Apparently, this whole ‘cooking’ thing is much more involved than I originally suspected.

I was pretty intrigued by the website I found. It told me to ‘warm the pan’ and ‘let the meat rest’ and ‘decide on a safety word.’ That last one clued me in that I had actually gone to some sort of cooking fetish site, but I don’t mind saying cooking had started to look really interesting.

Anyhow, I did (eventually) find a real cooking site and discovered several things, including that setting your stove to ‘high’ and using gasoline as a marinade is a bad idea. So hopefully my next try will be closer to edible.

I just need to decide on a safety word first.



Gillsing said...

Ah yes, cooking. I have stopped buying pre-roasted chickens in favour of cooking pieces of chicken in my oven. And after only a single mistake where the meat became a bit overdone, I think I've got the hang of it. And those chicken bits sure are cheap, so I'm saving some money. While supporting the evil torment-the-chickens industry. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

I suspect that "Fire! is not a good safety word.

Nor is "Smoke!"

"Run" might be acceptable, though.

Jason Janicki said...

Well, I tried 'supercalifragiliciousixpyalidocious' and that didn't work well either :)