Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Slightly Dizzy

In the interest of continued good health and not getting out of breath when I get off the couch, I’ve decided to embark upon a new diet of my own device. I call it the ‘Eat What You Can Catch’ diet.

The premise is rather simple: you can only eat things you catch. This will provide not only nutrition, but excellent overall exercise. After all, our ancestors didn’t have the luxury of just waltzing into a 7-11 and grabbing a Big Gulp and a hot dog. No, back then, they had to chase and/or find things on their own. If they wanted a Coke, they had to find a Coke tree and knock the bottles off. If it was bare or out of season, tough. I’m also assuming there is some sort of hot dog animal, kind of like a wiener with legs. And no, not wiener dogs (yes, I know what you’re thinking).

Anyway, I began my diet this last Sunday and it didn’t start as well as I hoped. I headed out shortly after I got up (around noon), armed with a broom handle with a large fork duct-taped to it. I figured the extra tines on the fork would make it easier to skewer the hot-dog animals, sort of like a trident. However, I soon discovered that the local police frown on running through the parks with a fork spear and was forced to relinquish my only weapon.

NOTE: I asked the officers if they knew the whereabouts of any hot-dog animals. They mentioned a pig-farm outside of town, but I insisted that there were little hot dogs creatures that skittered about. Oddly enough, this is when they took my fork spear away. I suspect they wanted to use it to catch the hot dogs for themselves.

This left me with little choice but to forage for food with my bare hands. The rest of the afternoon did not go well, though I did find some berries that while tasty, might have been slightly hallucinogenic. At least that’s what the trash can said.

Anyway, I decided to return home, vowing to get up early and go get something to eat. Strangely enough, I barely managed to get out of bed in the morning and stagger into work. There was a piece of burnt toast in the kitchen area, so I managed to get a few calories from that. I know, I didn’t technically ‘catch’ it, but I figured it was close enough. I later got my hands on an M&M that my one of my coworkers dropped (it was green) and with that calorie boost, I was able to make it through the rest of the day.

This morning I was very, very hungry and a little dizzy. I weighed myself and found that I’d lost several pounds, so it seemed like I was on the right track. Work was interesting, as I kept nodding off. I found a peanut in one of the conference room. I only ate half of it, so I could have something for dinner. Once I finally found my way home, I collapsed.

Realizing it was Tuesday, I mustered the energy to turn on my computer and write this blog. Hopefully, I will find more food at work tomorrow. I hear the lawyers upstairs have a candy dish out, so I might go on a raid if I have the energy.

So, hopefully, by the time you read next week’s blog, I’ll have dropped a ton of weight and be a new man. I might even write a diet book based on my new system.

Now, if only the room would stop spinning.


NOTE: For those of you who actually read the blog and wonder how much of what I talk about is true, no. I am not following the diet I just described. I’m eating sensibly from all four food groups: chocolate, Coke, nougat, and sugar. In fact, I just had a delicious dinner of 3 Musketeers bars and a liter of Coke. And I’m weirdly energetic. Go figure.


Vince said...

Your blog is my favorite part, actually.
How many readers do you think you have? I know on my blog I have a fraction over two - that would be my wife and daughter and an occasional friend at work who gets really bored sometimes and can't think of anything better to do.
Just dropping a note to tell you that I do read the comic - and the blog. Take care.
Check couch cushions. I always have luck finding snackage there.

Insectoid said...

Am I the only one for which the blog text is twice as big as it ought to be? It's been really strange lately; all the text is bold, the comment links are huge, and so is today's blog. :P

You really ought to figure some fresh fruit into that diet of yours. :)

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks, Vince ;)

I honestly don't know how many people read the blog. Blogger has a new, fancy dashboard, but I don't know if it can tell who's reading via Blogger or through the WM site. I do have some fairly constant commenters, so I kind of judge a blog's 'success' by how many comments I get.

Yes, Insectoid, that's going on on my machine as well. As I mentioned, Blogger has this new, fancy dashboard so there's probably some setting in there that I need to find and beat with a hammer.

Mmmm, delicious fruit . . . :)

Ed said...

Just FYI: I've heard smoked cobra can be very tasty. Just sayin.

Anyway, I could tell you weren't really on the diet - real warriors, such as you must be descended from since you can dispatch ninjas so handily, are descended from hunter/gatherers, who occasionally needed to go for over a week without food. You wouldn't get light-headed and dizzy *that* quickly if you actually went on that diet.

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, and, most specifically, I'm not your doctor. The only people I'm qualified to render medical aid to, or even offer medical advice, all have power switches on their sides. They generally hang out in racks in server rooms. (They're closely related to people who are known for hanging out on desks or in bags, but I'm not qualified to render any kind of medical aid to them, either.)

BarnOwl said...

Awesome diet! I need to try it. But alas, I find that I must cut out refined carbs. So, last week I stopped eating carburetors. Its been tough as hell ... but on the plus side, my car runs better.

BarnOwl said...

Oh! And I've loved the last two pages! Excellent descriptions of the armor. Any chance we'll get to watch Iri and Lily trying on the armor? Nawww ... they would just both kick my butt ... then where would I be?

Rahel Sewell said...

Oh man... Is this what I'm going to be like when I get my own house??
Gods, I can see it now: Woman tries to chase down hot-dog animals with nunchuku! Attempted to run from law officials when they attempted to remove the illegal weapon. Still at large.

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks, Ed. I will remember that in case you ever offer me any actual medical advice beyond 'take the knife out of your arm.' :)

That pun really, really hurt me, BarnOwl. I like it :) And no, no we don't get to watch :(

Do you have any nunchuku, Rahel? Because that's the first step towards serious crazy :)