Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Product May Devour Your Soul

I happened to be watching television the other day when one of those drug commercials came on. You know, the ones where they show people happily going about their lives while the narrator describes the wonderful things the drug can do for you. Then, for about the last ten seconds, the narrator helpfully describes the various horrible things that might happen to you should you decide to use their product.

We’ve all seen these, but what made this commercial special is that it literally spent three-quarters of the running time describing the potential side effects, ending with ‘and death.’

“Disintigratix, a new drug from the makers of Destructix and Eyeballexplodus, has been found useful in treating belly-button lint in many patients. Potential side effects include: explosive hand syndrome, spinal reversal, gangrene, gangred, gangblue, bone melting, this thing where your heart turns into artificial turf, and in extreme cases, the utter destruction of your soul.”

Now, I realize that the drug manufacturers are required to list potential side-effects and I heartily approve. If I were to take a drug, I would want to know if I might get a headache or become erotically attracted to shellfish. However, there comes a point where the side effects are so numerous and deadly, the whole point of the drug is called into question.

It’s like saying getting shot will probably kill you, but the bullet ‘might’ destroy a hitherto undiscovered tumor and save your life, assuming of course, you get past the whole ‘shot’ thing.

And the funny part is I can’t remember the name of the drug or what it was supposed to treat. I was so impressed and horrified at the side effects, I have no recollection of the rest of the commercial. So the ad worked, just not the bit that made me want to buy the drug. Instead, I wanted to burn the pills with napalm while chanting one of the nastier passages from the Necronomicon and then disposing of the remains in hallowed ground.

It’s probably the only way to be safe.



Ambience 327 said...

You should also dust off and nuke the sight from orbit, just to be sure.

Insectoid said...


Rahel Sewell said...

Oh!! I have seen this! They're anti-depression meds. At the end they warn that it may heighten suicidal tendencies in teens. O.O

Jason Janicki said...

Nuke it from orbit and then kill it with fire - or are those the same things? :)

Yeah, that's a common one too. It makes me wonder what DOESN'T get through the FDA.

"Hey, when I wave this pill at my dog, it turns inside out."

"Hmm, let's hold up on that one."