Product May Devour Your Soul

I happened to be watching television the other day when one of those drug commercials came on. You know, the ones where they show people happily going about their lives while the narrator describes the wonderful things the drug can do for you. Then, for about the last ten seconds, the narrator helpfully describes the various horrible things that might happen to you should you decide to use their product.

We’ve all seen these, but what made this commercial special is that it literally spent three-quarters of the running time describing the potential side effects, ending with ‘and death.’

“Disintigratix, a new drug from the makers of Destructix and Eyeballexplodus, has been found useful in treating belly-button lint in many patients. Potential side effects include: explosive hand syndrome, spinal reversal, gangrene, gangred, gangblue, bone melting, this thing where your heart turns into artificial turf, and in extreme cases, the utter destruction of your soul.”

Now, I realize that the drug manufacturers are required to list potential side-effects and I heartily approve. If I were to take a drug, I would want to know if I might get a headache or become erotically attracted to shellfish. However, there comes a point where the side effects are so numerous and deadly, the whole point of the drug is called into question.

It’s like saying getting shot will probably kill you, but the bullet ‘might’ destroy a hitherto undiscovered tumor and save your life, assuming of course, you get past the whole ‘shot’ thing.

And the funny part is I can’t remember the name of the drug or what it was supposed to treat. I was so impressed and horrified at the side effects, I have no recollection of the rest of the commercial. So the ad worked, just not the bit that made me want to buy the drug. Instead, I wanted to burn the pills with napalm while chanting one of the nastier passages from the Necronomicon and then disposing of the remains in hallowed ground.

It’s probably the only way to be safe.

Cheers,
-Jason

Drive Like You Move

I was watching the Daily Show the other day and a car commercial came on. I didn’t really pay any attention to it, what with the three super-models vying for my attention, but the tag-line did catch my attention.

Okay, fine. It wasn’t three super-models. It was just one. Well, ‘super-model’ is perhaps a bit of a stretch (though she is undeniably cute). ‘Female’ would be accurate. And she wasn’t really vying for my attention, she was . . . licking herself. Yes, it was my cat. She was sitting on my chest, grooming herself and she was blocking most of the TV. Happy?

Anyway, from what I could see from around my cat was a standard car commercial with lots of zooming and ‘professional driver on a closed course’ subtitles. The tag-line, though, was ‘Drive Like You Move.’

I think this would be a mistake.

Frankly, I’m a klutz. I bump into things a lot. I drop things on a regular basis. I once ripped out a toenail moving a box. My own father actually laughed when my shoelace once caught a protruding nail in our deck and tripped me. Leigh won’t let me move the miniatures in our D&D game, because I once accidently flung one across the room.

Fine, twice. A year. On average.

If I drove like I moved, I would be killing people on a regular basis. I would be plowing mailboxes down, smashing into cars, and accelerating off overpasses. The only good side is that I’m pretty sure I’d total my truck within a week.

And here’s the scary part: I’m one of the coordinated ones in my circle of friends. Give us a month and we’d depopulate western Washington.

If we’re to ‘Drive Like We Move’ then only professional dancers should be the only ones behind the wheel.

And maybe contortionists. They would, at least, be interesting.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Moon is Chewy!

Whilst watching television this past weekend, I happened to see a commercial for some new memory enhancing drug. The commercial basically starts with ‘People in Iceland lead longer, healthier lives’ and then the announcer goes on to talk about memory loss.

However, although he repeats the bit about people in Iceland several times, he never actually says they use the product (who's name escapes me). He’s basically saying ‘People in Iceland are healthier! We have this product!’ without establishing a link between the two.

Obviously, they’re trying to imply a link, but the legal department won’t actually let them come out and say there was a link, as someone might actually check that. So they just sort of ‘infer’ a link.

So, what you end up with is two completely separate statements. He could literally have said anything in the first part. The commercial could very well have gone ‘The moon is chewy! Buy our product!’

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for alternate phrases to start the commercial with:

1. It’s not easy being green!
2. Pelvis!
3. It hurts when I pee!
4. Duckbill Platypuses are mammals!
5. Water is wet!
6. I’m allergic to pain!
7. Je regrete rien!
8. Where are my keys?
9. Hey! That does not belong in your nose, Mister!
10. You are getting sleepy!

Cheers,
-Jason

Apply Directly to the Brain!

Whilst eating breakfast this morning, I happened across yet another commercial that I found interesting, so to speak. This is for a product called Head On. The whole commercial seems to be a woman happily pressing this product to her forehead, while an announcer semi-shouts Head On! Apply Directly to the Forehead!

The thing I found interesting, other that the extreme annoyance of the commercial itself, was that it never described what the product actually does. I would guess its for headache-relief of some sort, but Im not sure.

The question then becomes, what the hell does this product do? Does it remove wrinkles? Does it improve memory? Cure warts? Enable you to recite the Preamble to the Constitution? Does it, perchance, teach you Klingon?

It is a mystery.

However, it does unlock a whole range of potential Blank-On products.

Pit On! Apply Directly to the Armpit!
Sinus On! Shove it Right Up Your Nose!
Ass On! Stick it . . . Well, Yknow!
Communism On! Rub Vigorously On the Proletariat For Generations While Propping Up a Crumbling Economy!
Get It On On! Cues 70s Soundtrack and Disco Lights!

The possibilities are endless.

Cheers,
-Jason