Gorg,
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc
Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.
As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.
Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.
Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?
Vorok, the Many-Killer
Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.
Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.
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3 comments:
Gorg,
What sort of sauce do you put on your entrails? I've been getting tired of plain, unseasoned entrails, and would like to try something new.
I've never seen any of my colleagues use a sauce, and everyone I ask just calls me a sissy and tells me to shut up and eat my guts.
Respectfully,
Hate my Guts
Gorg,
We have just had an unfriendly unit of orcs moved into our fortress. My friend Rotter says that though the scum deserve death, our first duty must be to guard the spy we just took prisoner. But I feel like the opportunity for a really good bloodbath comes along
only so often.
I am sure you can see my predicament. Please send me some advice on how best to kill the traitorous scumbag Rotter to make it look like the foreign orcs did it.
Thanks,
Sharpening my Knife
Dear Hate my Guts,
Most orcs just use dirt. It's cheap, readily available, and gives the entrails an 'earthy taste.'
Also, if an orc calls you a sissy, kill him and eat his entrails.
Dear Sharpening My Knife,
You're overthinking this. We orcs are simple creatures and as such, subtlety is generally unneeded.
Just kill Rotter in private (be sure to save the entrails for later, you'll be hungry after the battle to come) and then loudly proclaim that the foreign orcs did it.
Remember, the winner gets to make up the story, so once the foreign orcs are dead, you can claim whatever you want.
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