Ask Gorg: Part 2

Gorg,
I hate all this killing that the other Orcs like so much and most of all I hate eating entrails every day. I want to become a vegetarian! What should I do?The Vegie Orc

Dear Vegie Orc,
You seem to have two problems: One, you hate killing. Two, you like vegetables.

As far as the killing goes, I have one word for you: Accountant. Yes, Sauron needs accountants. The Great Eye has all the psychotic killers he can handle, what he really needs is orcs who can count past two. Massive armies of Evil don’t run themselves, they need entrails, weapons, armor, and knitting supplies by the ton (the ogres love knitting, don’t know why). As an Accountant, you can help make sure the books are balanced, the Nazgul get fed, and the entrails keep flowing in.

Vegetables, eh? Well, if you become an Accountant, Sauron will give you whatever you want. You’ll have more vegetables that you need and a couple dozen bodyguards who’ll kill anyone who dares mock you.

Gorg,
I don’t feel like I’m reaching my full potential. I kill lots of orcs and men and horses and whatever, but I never seem to get promoted or recognized. What can I do?

Vorok, the Many-Killer

Dear Vorok,
Maybe you’re too good a killer. If you kill everyone, no one will be around to point out how great you are. Next time you’re in a battle or a fight, try leaving someone alive or just maiming a couple of them. They’ll let everyone know what a vicious bastard you are and the promotions and recognition will flow in.

Send more questions to Gorg and he will answer them. Until then, kill them and feast on their entrails.