Were-Nerd: Part 3

Were-Superhero
On the surface, this doesn’t seem too bad. You suddenly develop super powers, fly around, fight evil-doers, and hang out with super-heroines in amazingly tight outfits. And then it ends. You get to go back to your regular life, which admittedly, might be pretty nice. The bad part, though, is that the evil-doers just might figure out who you are. You may be Zorro with a stapler, but that won’t stop someone who calls himself ‘The Testiculator.’

Were-Opposing Political Party
You’re a staunch Republican. A banker or executive. You wear suits even when you don’t have to. Yet, once a month, you wake up behind a vegetarian restaurant in a tie-dyed shirt with a placard protesting off-shore drilling. If you’re a Democrat, reverse what I just wrote. Considering how often the far-right and far left verbally abuse each other, a bite here and there is not out of the question.

Were-Clown
If you occasionally wake up in a rainbow-colored wig and a large red nose, you might be a were-clown. You will be driven to seek out children’s parties and attempt to twist balloons into amusing animal shapes. You will try magic tricks, cream-pies, and oversize shoes in an attempt to get somebody, anybody to laugh. Unfortunately, coulrophobia (the fear of clowns) is rather common, so expect a lot of screaming.

Were-Bad Skateboarder
Once a month, you have an inexplicable urge to skateboard, knowing full well that you stink at it. You end up doing something shown below and accruing a hefty hospital fee.



Were-Nerd
When the full-moon appears on the horizon, you won’t know it, as you’ll be too busy leveling your main in WoW, playing the latest JRPG, or figuring out which Prestige Class to take with your wizard. On the plus side, if you have kids, you’ll actually be able to understand what they’re talking about. On the other hand, you still won’t be able to get a date.

Cheers,
-Jason


Were-Nerd
When the full-moon appears on the horizon, you won’t know it, as you’ll be too busy leveling your main in WoW, playing the latest JRPG, or figuring out which Prestige Class to take with your wizard. On the plus side, if you have kids, you’ll actually be able to understand what they’re talking about. On the other hand, you still won’t be able to get a date.

Cheers,
-Jason

Nerds Unite!: Part 3

Now, before we get to the all-important task at hand, I would like to announce that we now have an RSS feed! Rejoice!

I actually have no idea what that is, but Leigh said it was good so I agreed.

And now, on with the Naming of the Nerds!

Yesterday, I promised that we would get to your suggestions, so here we are, in no particular order (apologies if names are misspelled).

Chris had several suggestions:
a conclave of nerds
a nerd alliance
a nerd array
a league of nerds

I rather like the ‘conclave’ of nerds. It makes us sound important.

Gillsing suggested ‘nerd-herd,’ which is catchy and rhyme-y.

Alexander Lex V. also had a number of suggestions:
a guild of nerds
a clan of nerds
a circuit of nerds
that bunch of virgins

I do like ‘a circuit of nerds’ though ‘that bunch of virgins’ is apt (though hard to say).

pixie_bit suggested ‘con’ in some fashion. This has advantages as it can be more specific as in a ‘Trek-Con of nerds’ or a ‘Gate-Con of nerds.’

An anonymous commenter suggested ‘Hash’ whilst another suggest ‘pod.’ I rather like Hash, though ‘pod’ is good as well (though it is already in use for whales).

And vonbek suggested a ‘googleplex.’ According to Wikipedia, a Googleplex is ‘a play on words, being a blend of Google and complex, and a reference to googolplex, the name given to the large number 10googol.’ A truly nerd-like word if I’ve ever heard one.

Well, what do you all think? Which of the terms of the last three days do you think best represents nerddom? I’ll post the winner later on and then we can see about getting it added to Wikipedia.

Cheers,
-Jason

Nerds Unite!: Part 2

And now, more terms!

An Acronym of Nerds
We nerds do love our acronyms. I was watching ST:NG the other day, when I realized I was late for my BRD run in WoW. The XP was great, but I totally LOL’d when the tank went AFK accidentally and died.

A Deathmatch of Nerds
Another popular pastime among we nerds is the FPS Deathmatch, where we use our brilliantly honed reflexes and ability to sit nigh-motionless for hours on end to blow each other’s avatars into very small chunks.
A QWERTY of Nerds
While nerds have existed for hundreds of thousands of years and computers are only a relatively recent invention, the two have become inextricably linked in the mass consciousness. Therefore, it seems appropriate to smoosh them even further together by naming a group of nerds after the standard keyboard setup.

A Dew of Nerds
I have a small confession: I don’t actually like Mountain Dew. However, with its high caffeine content, it seems to be the drink of choice among nerds. If there was one soda to represent all of nerdom, it should probably be the Dew.

A Federation of Nerds
Star Trek is probably the single greatest icon of nerds in the world and rightly so. Few subjects are as debated among nerds and ignored by others as Star Trek. Whether you’re a Trekkie, a Trekker, a Picard man or a Kirk supporter, you’ve probably spent more time arguing with other nerds about Star Trek than anything else. As such, it would seem only proper to include Star Trek in the formal classification of nerds.

I’ve already received some great ideas, so keep sending them in and I’ll list yours on Friday!

Tomorrow: Your Ideas!

Nerds Unite!: Part 1

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am a nerd. I do not hide this. In fact, I wear the name proudly and rejoice in its unwashed glory.

Unless, of course, I’m talking to a woman. In which case, I’m a real estate agent who likes football, sweaters, and shoe shopping.

NOTE: This has never actually happened.

Anyhow, something fired in my brain today, leading me to wonder what a group of nerds is called. I scoured the internet, leaving no page unread to find the answer (read: I did a Google search) and as far as I can tell, there is no word to describe a gathering of nerds. Oh, and a group of toads is called a ‘knot.’ No kidding.

So, my nerdish brethren, I have taken it upon myself to come up with an appropriate word to describe a gathering of nerds. I will post my best thoughts over the next two days and on the third day, I will post any suggestions you may have and come up with a final decision. I may even put it on Wikipedia!

Here are my thoughts:

A Fellowship of Nerds
An obvious Tolkien reference, which is fitting as Tolkien is the spiritual father of nerddom as we know it. ‘Fellowship’ embodies many great qualities of nerds: courage, sacrifice, not bathing for long periods of time, and above all, groups of guys running around with nary a girl in sight.

An Int of Nerds
‘Int’ is short for ‘Integer,’ a common data type in computer programming. It speaks of our love of computers, our (general) abilities with math, and is sufficiently obscure that non-nerds will go ‘huh?’

A Party of Nerds
In RPGs, a group of PCs is generally referred to as a ‘party.’ It evokes images of Saturdays playing DnD, arguing about rules, eating Cheetos and BBQ potato chips, and pretending to actually talk to girls. It is truly a quintessential nerd word.

A l33t of Nerds
L33t speak for ‘elite,’ ‘l33t’ captures the fast-paced, competitive nature of the nerd at his most formidable: when he’s flaming noobs on the internet. Whether it’s correcting people in the Orgrimmar ‘General’ chat channel or proving your point about the Enterprise E’s maximum Warp Speed on a forum, all lesser nerds tremble before the l33t.

Got an idea for the word? Reply and let me know!

Tomorrow: More terms!

The 1st Nerd Games: Part 2

Before we get on with the blog, we have a very important announcement!

We will be appearing at the Dragonflight Gaming Convention in Bellevue, Washington, Friday through Sunday!

Leigh will be there on Friday and the pair of us will be there Saturday and Sunday. Additionally, for a modest fee, Leigh will be doing character sketches and I will be once again offering free sentences (I may charge for paragraphs). As always, we will be selling autographed copies of Wayfarer's Moon 1-3.

So, come on down and say 'hi!'

And now, back to the Nerd Olympics!

Frag and Flame
Many nerds are proficient at First Person Shooters. Many are also proficient at flaming noobs on the internet. Only a select few can do both at the same time. Athletes will have two computers, set-up in the configuration of their choosing. They must not only play a Team Fortress 2 match, but also flame a message board at the same time. Bonus points will be awarded for both killing sprees and driving everyone else out of the forum.

WoW Marathon
In this exciting team event, 5-man groups will raid a predetermined list of dungeons over and over and over. The last group still awake wins. Points will be deducted for wipes. Caffeinated drinks will not be allowed and players will be rigorously checked for doping, including sugar, hoodia, and whatever the hell they make Twinkies out of.

Talking to Girls
In this hotly anticipated event, nerds must do the unthinkable: talk to a girl and procure her phone number. A panel of judges will rate each athlete’s attempt, removing points for mouth breathing, sweating, pop-culture references (including superheroes, comics, anything with ‘Star’ in the title, anything in space or with swords, or anything to do with Japan), and inappropriate giggling.

Cheers,
-Jason

The 1st Nerd Games: Part 1

I was talking to one of my buddies today about the Olympics. We talked about when we were younger, playing youth sports, and dreaming of being good enough to one day represent our country on the world stage.

Well, he was dreaming about that. I typically just hoped that my school would someday finish better than 1 and 11.

NOTE: We never did. Yes, we sucked hard.

NOTE: For the non sports-types out there, 1 and 11 means 'one win, eleven losses.' I had to ask my office mate to make sure I got it right.

It then occurred to me that we nerds, though sadly lacking in any physical or social ability, had many other amazing and useful skills. Granted, ‘useful’ is debatable, but since when has ‘javelin throwing’ been really necessary in day to day life?

In thinking about this, I decided that we nerds should have our own Olympics. It was then that the Nerd Games were born. Here is my proposed list of events for the 1st Games:

Cyber Lair Setup
This event has a team of nerds attempting to set-up a basement, er . . . Cyber Lair, with a predetermined list of objects, including:

3 computers with dedicated network
1 smelly futon
23 random action figures
1 mattress
4 random posters (must include 1 Star Wars poster)
1 mini-fridge
1000 comics
2 crates of Cheetos
1 case of Moutain Dew

The team to set-up the Lair in the shortest amount of time wins. Bonus points will be awarded for alphabetizing the comics and putting the action figures in suggestive poses.

Tomorrow: Part 2!

Nerds of Yore: Part 3

Not-Little John of Sherwood

One of the most illustrious nerds of yore was Not-Little John of Sherwood, who was one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men. He was called ‘Not-Little John’ because they refused to call him ‘SlaughterMaster John, Destroyer of Worlds.’

After a tumultuous period, where he was referred to variously as ‘Smelly’ John, ‘Rancid’ John, ‘Round’ John, and ‘Lady Margret’ John, ‘Not-Little’ John eventually became the accepted nickname, though he would have vastly preferred ‘Colossal’ John.

At any rate, Not-Little was Robin’s official statistician. He was given this job as he proved completely incompetent in a fight, lacked any sense of subtlety, and had the woodman-ship skills of an incontinent sea lion. They also attempted to use him as a spy, a courier, a bar-maid, and a theoretical physicist, but he roundly failed at all these as well.

However, Not-Little John was, in fact, an amazing statistician. He would happily spend hours compiling reams and reams of mostly useless data and entering it into a strange, grid format he developed.

He kept records on arrows fired (with hits and misses), ale quaffed, soldiers fought, soldiers slain, soldiers wounded, soldiers annoyed, maidens kissed, targets hit, gold stolen, swords crossed, beef consumed, and quips made (scored on a scale of 1-10).

Not-Little would present these figures to Robin regularly and would happily point out trends and give advice, which centered around trying to get Maid Marion’s hot handmaiden to go out with him. It is unknown if Robin made any use of his advice and figures.

After Robin defeated the Sherriff and took back his lands, Not-Little was given a purse of gold and a letter of recommendation and sent on his way.

Not-Little eventually settled in northern England and opened a store that sold picture books. However, Not-Little’s greatest contribution to nerdom came when he published his collected statistics along with a set of rules and inadvertently created the first character-based war-game and coincidentally, Fantasy Baseball.

Look for more nerds of yore in coming weeks!

Cheers,
-Jason

Nerds of Yore: Part 1

We nerds are much maligned in society. We are sneered at as being uncoordinated, unwashed, and generally lacking in social skills. This is, unfortunately, completely true.

However, this does not mean that we do not have a proud history, a tradition of annoying others with mind-numbing trivia, quotes from popular entertainment, or flaming each other with ‘X can beat-up Y for Z reasons’ missives.

Yet, many nerds are unaware of their long and storied lineage. They know not of Flavius Myopicus, who wrote the first gladiator-based fanfic. The name John ‘DethLord’ Baker, the first nerd to ever misspell ‘death’ on purpose, is not given the reverence it is due.

To remedy this, I have done extensive research (10, 15 minutes tops) on the nerds, dorks, and geeks who shaped modern nerdom and now present to you, the Nerds of Yore.

The Ur-Nerd
Considered by many scholars to be the first true nerd, precious little is known about the Ur-Nerd, save that he was of Sumerian descent and probably didn’t get a date to the prom.

The only record of the Ur-Nerd is a single stele known as the Stele of the Geek. Inscribed on it is what scholars believe is the first ‘rant,’ which details the Ur-Nerds thoughts on why Gilgamesh could totally kick Marduk’s butt.

The Stele is currently housed in the British Museum and is only displayed to patrons who know what Kirk’s brother’s name was.

Tomorrow: Geekus Maximus.

Note: Kirk’s brother’s name was George Samuel Kirk, Jr.

Note: Yes, I’m a nerd.

Han Would Never Wear That

I have a confession to make

There was a time in my life when I had a mullet.

It is sadly true, but in my defense, I did not know that was what it was.

You see, for a long time, I had really long hair. I got tired of it and went to a hair place in the mall. I had no real idea what I wanted, save that I wanted less hair. So when the hairstylist asked me how I wanted it cut, I said I dunno, what do you think would look good?

She cut my hair and then told me it looked fantastic. I was happy. You see, I have absolutely zero fashion sense. If you ever see me wearing something even remotely nice looking, it is because my mother bought it for me.

In hindsight, the hairdresser may have been a sadist, but I digress.

I had the mullet for a number of years. After all, I had been assured that it was fantastic, and I still did not know what it was called. One day, I got tired of it and chopped it all off. Afterwards, one of my female friends leaned over and said (and I quote):

I am sooooo glad you got rid of that mullet. It looked terrible.

So, the question is: why did you not tell me before?

This was a person I had known for years and considered a friend. If I was on fire, I am reasonably certain she would put me out. If I had a lamprey on my buttocks, I would expect a call to 911 (or Jacques Cousteau). Yet in the face of a mullet, she said nothing.

This was not just her, though. I had at least two other female friends. They too could have warned me.

I realize that the mullet damage has been done. I will never recover from the shame. However, on behalf of nerds everywhere, I hereby ask this:

Please tell us when we look terrible.

Seriously. Let us know that wearing sweats all the time is bad. Let us know that fanny packs are not cool. Please, tell us to get a haircut.

We are nerds. Our brains are filled with Star Wars trivia and lines from Monty Python. We have precious little space left for mundane things like fashion or eating right or basic social etiquette.

So, if possible, just lean over and say: You know, Han would never wear that.

We will understand.

Cheers,
-Jason

How Big a Nerd Are You: Answers

1. What is Benders last name?
a. Rodriguez. His full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.
2. In Dune (the original novel), what is the name of the Emperors house?
a. Corrino. His full name is Shaddam Corrino IV.
3. The Roman Legionnaires carried the gladius. What was the name of the longer sword used principally by the cavalry troops?
a. The spatha.
4. In the novel The Fellowship of the Ring, what is the name of the elf who comes upon Aragorn and the halflings after Frodo is stabbed on Weathertop?
a. Glorfindel. In the movie, its Arwen, which was done to give her more screen time and not add another character.
5. What is Kirks brothers name?
a. George Samuel Kirk, Jr.
6. In Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope), not including the Millennium Falcon, how many Rebel ships survive the attack on the Death Star (bonus points if you can recall what types of ships they were)?
a. Three. Two X-Wings and a Y-Wing. Wedge Antilles piloted one of the X-Wings, with Luke in the other. No clue on who was piloting the Y-Wing.
7. In Babylon 5 (the original TV show) how many Techno-Mages are actually seen on camera?
a. One.
8. What is a mud-die?
a. In the early days of DnD, the plastic used to make dice was too soft and their edges wore down rather quickly. They became known as mud-dice.
9. What does the H.P. in H.P. Lovecraft stand for?
a. Howard Phillips.
10. What is Caliburn an older name for?
a. Excaliber. Caliburn was the name used by Geoffrey of Monmouth (c. 1140) and it is believed to have been derived from Caledfwlch, which is first mentioned in the Malbinogion.

Cheers,
-Jason

How Big A Nerd Are You?

Im a pretty big nerd. Sci-Fi, fantasy, I love it all. Ive read quite a few nerd questionnaires over the years, so I thought I would be fun to whip up one of my own. All of these questions are off the top of my head and prove nothing save that I store a lot of useless information.

Im sure you can find all these answers on the internet, but go through them once and see how well you do. And if you have any real good questions (nothing too esoteric, ie, they should involve a commonly read/watched series), let me know.

Answers will be posted tomorrow.

Cheers,
-Jason

1. What is Benders last name?
2. In Dune (the original novel), what is the name of the Emperors house?
3. The Roman Legionnaires carried the gladius. What was the name of the longer sword used principally by the cavalry troops?
4. In the novel The Fellowship of the Ring, what is the name of the elf who comes upon Aragorn and the halflings after Frodo is stabbed on Weathertop?
5. What is Kirks brothers name?
6. In Star Wars (Episode IV: A New Hope), not including the Millennium Falcon, how many Rebel ships survive the attack on the Death Star (bonus points if you can recall what types of ships they were)?
7. In Babylon 5 (the original TV show) how many Techno-Mages are actually seen on camera?
8. What is a mud-die?
9. What does the H.P. in H.P. Lovecraft stand for?
10. What is Caliburn an older name for?