Mahandas Ghandi: Werewolf Puncher

This was recently sent to me by a friend who shall remain nameless (Laura). It actually looks fun and I would probably go see it given sufficient prodding:
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter


This led to some internet detecting and I discovered this gem: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter


Apparently this is some sort of ‘thing,’ wherein you take a historical figure and have them fight the forces of evil. It makes a weird sort of sense. Historical figures are to put it mildly, historical, and therefore more or less famous. Their names are readily recognizable and therefore make for free publicity. After all, no one would go see ‘Jason Janicki: Ninja Fighter,’ but ‘Genghis Khan: Ninja Fighter’ is an instant draw.

NOTE: Obviously, my immediate family would have to go see it. After all, I am the youngest, so if they have any hope of someone taking care of them when they get old, they have to humor me. Plus, I know where they live.

So, in order to cash in on what will probably become a trend, I’ve assembled a list of people, creatures, and actions so people (such as you) can make their own ‘X battles Y’ mash-ups. Simply pick one from each column and you’ve got a title you can use:

NOTE: Blogger hates columns, so use your imagination.

George Washington Armadillo Puncher
Thomas Jefferson Zombie Killer
Mohandas Gandhi Nazi Fighter
Anne Frank Werewolf Kicker
Margaret Thatcher Nerd Spooker
Ramses II Clown Strangler
George Patton World Smasher
Andrew Jackson Vampire Stabber
Mother Theresa Demon Hunter
Helen Keller Mummy Thrasher
Mary Shelley Dragon Tamer
Cleopatra Hamster Destroyer
Louis XIV Devil Crusher

Personally, I would totally see Anne Frank: Nazi Hunter. I have this mental image of a young girl wielding an iron bound book on a chain (like a meteor hammer – the ball on a long chain like the evil schoolgirl in Kill Bill used) beating the hell out of a lot of Nazis. I realize that Anne Frank died tragically and I have the utmost respect for her and her work, but I would still pay to see a fictionalized version of her beat the crap out of a lot of bad men.

Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. And, obviously, should you make a multi-million dollar feature film using my title generator, I would appreciate a small gratuity, say 5% of gross. Or, you could just let me meet Olivia Wilde and have her pretend not to be horrified.

Cheers,
-Jason

Hopefully Not Brains

It’s the middle of Sunday night and I’m craving . . . something. I dunno, it’s just one of those weird things you get from time to time, when you want a particular food, but can’t quite figure out what it is.

I’ve tried everything in my kitchen (mustard, cheese, 3 Musketeers bar, gum, diet root beer, and the bit of the apple that wasn’t moldy) and I still have this craving. I could go to the store and buy more food, but I know I’d just end up with a gallon of chocolate ice-cream and then I’d eat it and still probably not be satisfied.

NOTE: I originally typed a ‘galloon’ of ice-cream, which sounds like it really ought to be a measurement. Like ten gallons makes a galloon. Wait, gallons are on the Imperial system, so it couldn’t be something simple like ten. It would need to be pointlessly complicated like eleven and a half gallons and an egg makes a galloon.

This is just really irritating. I desperately want to eat something specific, but my body can’t figure out how to tell me what it is. I also have this weird sore on my calf. It’s kinda itchy. I have no idea where I got it, though I was at a park today, so it’s possible some critter ran up, bit me on the lower leg, and then scampered away without me noticing.

Okay, so no, that’s not very likely, even for me. It also looks like the sore is getting bigger. It doesn’t hurt. In fact, I wouldn’t have noticed it save for the fact that a chunk of my leg actually fell off. I duct taped it back on, but it didn’t really seem to help.

So, here I am, desperately hungry for something, bits of me falling off, and I’m just kinda shambling around the apartment, occasionally bumping into things.
Oh crap. I think I’m turning into a zombie.

It makes sense. I want to eat something, possibly brains, bits of me are falling off, and I’m slow and rather clumsy. Well, in all honesty, I’m slow and clumsy anyway.

First off, please allow me to apologize for my coming rampage of destruction. I realize that I may be responsible for the destruction of the human race and civilization as we know it, so sorry for that as well.

Though, just to be on the safe side, please don’t shoot me in the head until you’re certain I’ve turned into a zombie and I just don’t have a weird craving for broccoli or something. To do this, ask me (from a safe distance) why I hate reality shows. If I start frothing and making semi-coherent sentences, I’m fine (seriously). If I don’t respond or reply that I love reality shows and that you should come closer, feel free to open fire.

Though, please don’t do this before 11:00 am. I’m really not coherent until then.

Brai . . . errr . . . Cheers,
-Jason

Yet Another Great Idea

I have yet another great idea. It’s so simple it’s brilliant. And so brilliant it just might be insane. And so insane, it might actually wrap back around to simple again. It’s like the Circle of Life, only it involves a lot more hysterical laughter.
Shouting ‘you fools!’ is optional.

And here it is: self-cleaning bathrooms.

‘What?’ you may say, followed quickly by ‘madness!’ But let me assure you, it’s brilliant. See the first paragraph for an affirmation of this.

So, here’s what you do. You tile your entire bathroom (you may use linoleum if you prefer) and install a drain. Next, remove the whirly arm thingies and the soap dispensers from multiple dish washers and install them in the ceilings and walls, hooking them up to the water system and a big button just outside the bathroom that says ‘CLEAN.’

Then, when you want to clean your bathroom, you simply add soap, shut the door, and press the button. Your bathroom will then go through an entire wash cycle, spraying high-pressure water and soap all over every surface, rinsing it off, and then drying the whole place.

It would save time, money, and effort. As an additional bonus, you could put children, pets, patio furniture, appliances, and if your bathroom is big enough, motorcycles. And yes, you could even put the dishes in there.

Like I said, brilliant.

Strangely enough, I had this idea while cleaning my bathroom last weekend. My brother is coming for a visit, so I figured I should at least get rid of anything that can actually move. Everything else is negligible.

He’s my brother. He’s not particularly squeamish.

On the plus side, I found my Swiffer, so I swiffered the hell out of my kitchen floor. I then discovered that you can swiffer a wall too. Now everything smells like lemons and rotting flesh.

NOTE: There’s a zombie in the closet. No, I don’t know how or why, but he had my Swiffer, which explains both the smells.

Anyway, feel free to install a self-cleaning bathroom. However, I make no guarantees as to the safety, efficiency, or sanity of such a project.

And I’m not sure if ‘swiffer’ is really a word. I’m just sayin’.

Cheers,
-Jason

Stupid Snow

Well, if you live in the northwest, you're probably under a foot or so of snow right now. I realize all of you from back east are snickering, as you routinely deal with six and eight feet of snow, not to mention rampaging hordes of Yeti, but it's a big deal for us.

I just want it to stop snowing for the Emerald City Comicon, which is only a week away. I don't even want sunny or warm, just no snow. I would even prefer zombies to snow, as I can't beat the snow to death with a baseball bat.

NOTE: I realize that zombies are already dead. I guess I would be making them redead. Deader? Non-ambulatory?

Anyway, regardless of where you live, have a safe weekend and watch out for the yetis.

Cheers,
-Jason

Fear No More!

I have had yet another brilliant idea. It occurred to me when I was talking to Leigh today, so I will thank him when I receive the Nobel Peace Prize. He will no doubt be honored that I remembered him on such a grand occasion.

So, without further ado . . .

Tell me, what is the #1 most worrisome issue for the world today? What is the one concern that every politician addresses? What is it that keeps men, women, and most internet bloggers up at night, their arms wrapped around their Friendly Huggy Bear with Kung-Fu Grip for safety?

No, it’s not nuclear war. Or terrorism. Or fluoridated drinking water. Or Lady Gaga’s current ensemble.

Its zombies.

That’s right, we’re all afraid of the zombie hordes that will inevitably crash upon civilization like a smelly tsunami with a thirst for brains. Even if they’re slow zombies, we won’t be able to get away from the slowly plodding mass of newly risen dead. They are relentless. Nigh unstoppable.

But they have one weakness: shoelaces.

That’s right. We tie their shoelaces together. They’re not smart enough to untie them and even fast zombies will be reduced to crawling slowly across the fields and interstates of the world, as we easily stay ahead of them. This will allow us time to assemble our defenses, make large stacks of rocks for throwing, and even nip down to the local convenience store to buy energy drinks so we are better able to fight off the pathetically crawling hordes.

Honestly, we could just pile into our trucks and SUVs and run them over.
“Brilliant!” I can hear you shouting. “Yet, how do we tie their shoelaces together if they are already coming after us?”

Simple. When someone is buried, we simply make it a law that all morticians must tie the deceased’s shoelaces together before internment. It’s that easy. Eventually, given a few years, all the dead will be so dealt with and we will be free to continue consuming massive amounts of high fructose corn syrup without having to worry about outrunning a bunch of dead people.

I’ll be accepting my award now.

Cheers,
-Jason

3D Zombies

Some students at Georgia Tech and the Savannah College of Art and Design have made something really special.

Watch it here:
http://technology.todaysbigthing.com/2009/06/17

This is really something. It could have fascinating applications in medicine, science, and all sorts of fields. Or, granted, it could also be used to kill tons and tons of zombies.

One day, my kids'll be whining about 3D games being boring and I'll say something to the effect of 'In my day, we had Atari 2600s! We had tanks made out of 17 pixels and we were happy to have 'em!'

Technology is a wonderful thing :)

Cheers,
-Jason

The Russ Manning Award!

So, if you haven't heard yet, our own Leigh Kellogg has been nominated for the 2009 Russ Manning Award!

This is a very prestigious award and Leigh would be the first to tell you it's an honor just to be nominated. We'll find out who won at the San Diego Comic Con, when the Eisner Awards are given out.

Obviously, I'm rooting for Leigh, but congratulations to all the other nominees as well!

In other news, I created a Tyrannasaurus Rex in my basement from frog DNA and have tamed it. I will be riding it into battle against Gorgoth the Unholy and his zombie armythis weekend. Obviously, the fate of the world rests on my shoulders (again), but there you go.

Well, in truth, I don't have a basement (or a T-Rex or an Unholy Terror to stop, or frankly, any plans this weekend). I do have some frog DNA though. At least, I think that's what it is. It might just be fridge mold.

So, yeah.

Anyway, the latest installment of Art the Wanderer will appear on Monday and there will be a new page on Tuesday.

Everyone have a fun and safe Memorial Day!

Cheers,
-Jason

New and Improved: Part 2

iZombies:
These hip, sleek zombies would lurk near Apple Stores, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting iPod and iPhone users. With their stylish good looks and ease of use, the average Apple-enthusiast would be helpless before them. They would also play MP3s, movies, act as a phone, and allow you to surf the net while being eaten.

The only defense against the iZombie is to look like John Hodgman and shout ‘I’m a PC!’ This should stun them sufficiently to allow for an easy escape.

Zom-Babes:
Alert reader Kammorremae (which I think I spelled right) has suggested Zom-Babes. These rather attractive zombies would troll internet chat rooms and Craigslist, looking for a nice man to take them out to ‘lunch.’ They would be well-versed in the arts of flattery and faking interest, and would use every advantage to charm their unsuspecting victims.

“Oh, wow! You were the first level 80 DK on your server and you love to go to Southshore and gank noobs? You sound soooooo cool!”

J. Alexander Van Belkum suggested that a Zom-Babe could be used to distract a Nerd-bie. I would agree with that, but once they figured it out, they would team up and divest you of your gold and brains, more or less in that order.

Reverse-Zombies:
In a typical zombie movie, the zombie bites a human and after dying, the human turns into a zombie and begins wreaking havoc. The details change from film to film, but the basic transmission of being bitten tends to remain the same.

What if (he began gleefully) you had a Reverse-Zombie? That is, a human that when he bit a zombie, turned it back into a human? The basic question, of course, is why would a human want to bite a zombie, but stranger things have happened.

The idea is not perfect. What if a zombie bit the reverse-zombie? Would it then be a reverse-reverse-zombie? What if the zombie being bitten had missing limbs or had most of its torso removed with a shotgun? Would it turn back into a human only long enough to scream in agony and then die (again)? Could a zombie and a reverse-zombie take turns biting the same target, bouncing it between zombie and human?

The mind boggles. Well, at least mine does.

Cheers,
-Jason

New and Improved: Part 1

Thanks to Left 4 Dead, zombies are once again a hot topic in the gaming world. This got me thinking (as much as I ever do) about the different kinds of zombies. There are, in essence, two:

Slow zombies, who move, well, slowly. They tend to say ‘Brains’ a lot.

And fast zombies. They move quickly and don’t tend to say ‘Brains’ at all.

Granted, Left 4 Dead has Smokers, Boomers, Hunters, Witches, and Tanks as well, but they’re not really accepted as ‘standard’ zombies. They’re in a special class all their own (it’s like Special Ed, but you get to eat people for lunch).

As you can see, there’s not a lot of variation in zombies. They’re more-or-less dead and want to eat you. Mummies can curse you. Vampires get all the babes. Ghosts do . . . things. Okay, I don’t know what ghosts do. Moving on.

I have therefore decided to spice up the ranks of zombies with some new, more interesting versions of the walking dead. Please feel free to use them in your video games, movies, and television shows (assuming you give me money, of course).

Habeas Corpus (aka Law-Zombies):
Combining the horror of the walking dead with the sheer malevolence of a lawyer, Habeas Corpuses are generally found lurching around courthouses and upscale bars, muttering things like ‘Tort’ and ‘Martini.’ They won’t immediately go for your brain, preferring to first sue you into submission, so as to avoid having to chase you. Once you’re good and stunned by their devastating legal arguments, they will then dine on your grey matter, generally with some sort of Hollandaise sauce.

NOTE: I realize Habeas Corpus is a terrible, terrible pun. I did it on purpose (and am unashamed).

Nerd-bies:
The risen corpses of gamers and other sorts of nerds, Nerd-bies aren’t particularly interested in your brain. What they really want is all your WoW gold. They can often be found lurking in Game Stops and other similar stores, hoping to scare you into giving them your account information. Even easier to defeat than traditional, slow zombies, all you really need to do is point behind them and shout ‘Hey, it’s William Shatner!’ and then wander away while they’re distracted.

‘Leonard Nimoy’ also works, as will ‘Hey, that guy works for Blizzard!’

Tomorrow: Part 2

ZOMBIES!

If you’re a WoW player, go now and become a zombie. I played it for all of 20 minutes today and had an absolute blast!

Here’s how it works: You get infected by a zombie and eventually die. You are then raised as a zombie and can infect others. You get a whole new tool bar of zombie related powers and anyone you infect will become a zombie as well.

You get to Mangle, a slow attack that makes people turn into zombies faster; Retch, a ranged attack to slow people down (‘cause you’re a traditional, slow zombie); and Beckoning Groan, which is used to call NPC zombies to your side. There are a couple others that I haven’t played with, but I’m sure they’re just as fun as the others.

This is amazing amounts of fun. It’s probably the cleverest holiday event ever done, so kudos to the Dev Team for coming up with and implementing it so well.

I know what I’m going to be doing with my Friday night . . .

Brains!
-Jason

So tomorrow, Leigh and I will be in Spokane for the Spokane Comic-Con!

We’ll be sellin’ books, signin’ autographs, kissin’ babies, breakin’ hearts, and savin’ lives (not necessarily in that order).

Well, the first two might happen. They don’t let babies near us after the unfortunate ‘‘I thought it was food’ incident’ at Emerald Con. The less said about that the better (though frankly, if you dress your infant in something that has the Taco Bell logo on it, you should expect some confusion).

I will be bringing my Zombie Combat Kit, though I begin to despair of ever finding any zombies to fight. I built the kit about 8-years ago and other than occasionally opening it, sighing, and closing it again, it hasn’t seen much action.

My kit contains:
2-bottles of water (probably should put some new ones in there, someday)
A machete (for killing zombies)
A shovel (for putting them back where they belong)
*A flamethrower (obvious)
A Barbie doll (for someone to talk to in the post-apocalyptic wasteland)
An Original Gameboy with Tetris (for downtime and to distract zombies. Zombies love Tetris)
350 rolls of toilet paper (when the apocalypse comes, this stuff will be GOLD)

*I don’t actually have a flamethrower. I do have a Bic Disposable Lighter which I refer to as ‘my flamethrower.’

Anyway, come on by and say ‘hi’ if you’re in the area.

Cheers,
-Jason

Zombies vs. Robots

So, I had a thought the other day: who would win in a fight between a zombie and a robot?

I am talking about your average, run-of-the-mill zombie, ie, your classic, slow, brain-obsessed ones and your average early 80s robot, who is also quite slow and bent of destroying all humans (think Cylons from the original Batllestar Galactica).

They are, upon comparison, weirdly similar:

Zombie
Slow
Really Stupid
Strong
Smells Bad
Nigh Unstoppable
Craves Brains

Robot
Slow
Kinda Stupid
Probably Stronger
Smells Minty
Also Nigh Unstoppable
Programmed to Destroy All Humans

The question is, if you put one of each room, who would emerge victorious? Actually, both of them would just stand there. The zombie craves brains, which the robot does not have, while the robot, which is programmed to kill all humans, would not target the zombie, as its already dead.

However, if you stuffed a brain into the robots chest cavity and then programmed it to attack any human-like thing that moved, you would then have a fight on your hands.

I would have to put my money on the robot, no matter how much I would want to support an Undead American. Frankly, while the zombie would eventually tear open the robot, the robot would probably first either immobilize the zombie by breaking its limbs or get a lucky shot to the zombies head and take him out completely.

Of course, if such an experiment were tried, the zombie and robot would end up working together to destroy humanity. Worse, they could merge and become a zombot (rombie just does not sound right).

Anyhow, $50 on the robot.

Cheers,
-Jason

Undead Americans

Today I would like to talk about a segment of our population that has been overlooked, abused, and much maligned in America: zombies. Or as I prefer to call them: Undead Americans.

Undead Americans have given much to our society. They are our villains, our scapegoats, and the cannon-fodder of many a twisted scientist. They have been rekilled by the thousands, if not millions, by everyone from housewives to top-secret government Special Forces teams. And frankly, they deserve our respect and admiration.

Undead Americans exemplify what is best about our country. They are indefatigable and willing to suffer any injury in pursuit of their goals. They will not stop and when one Undead American falls, ten more rise to take his place. Theirs is the strength of unity and purpose and what is more American than that?

Now, I am the first to admit that brains have been eaten. Our alternately-alive brothers and sisters have a terrible, unquenchable hunger for brains. And who can blame them? Brains are tender, juicy, and delectable. The truffle of body parts, so to speak. Undead Americans do not deny us our hamburgers and chocolate malts, why should we deny them their food of choice?

So, the next time you are trapped in a mall or deserted military base and surrounded by hundreds or thousands of Undead Americans, put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? What lengths would you go to satisfy your hunger? And when you are blowing their heads off with a shotgun, do so with respect. After all, if you are cornered and out of ammo, you might very well join their ranks.

Braiiiins,
-Jason

Duooooodenum!

A small group of people are running through the dark countryside, tripping over roots and blundering into trees in their mad dash. Behind them, zombies slowly and relentlessly pursue, their decaying arms outstretched, their feet shuffling them ever forward.

The zombies catch sight of their prey and one lets off a mournful wail.

Brains!

The cry is taken up by the rest of the horde.

Brains! Brains! Braaaaaains!

Except for one zombie.

Duodenum! Duoooooodenum!

The rest of the zombies pause, turning to look at their fellow.

Brains?

Duodenum!

The zombies stare at one another. One scratches its head, a gesture remembered from its days among the living.

One zombie seems to hesitate

Pancreas?

Another zombie raises its hand, which falls off.

Liver?

The zombies seem to consider this, swaying slightly, and then begin to move again.

Brains! Duoooodenum! Pancreas! Bronchomediastinal Trunk! Braaaains!