The Adventures of Arin Asurance

Deputy Director Ferguson absently tapped his pencil on his desk as he frowned at his computer screen.

The intercom beeped.

Yes?

Agent Asurance to see you, sir.

Send her in.

Ferguson leaned back in his chair as Agent Arin Asurance entered his office, her pink hair shining brightly in the fluorescent light, and closed the door behind her.

Please take a seat, Agent Asurance.

Speaking of taking a seat, have you sat down to compare car insurance prices?

Ferguson sighed. Yes, Agent Asurance, I have. But were not here to talk about auto insurance, were here to talk about your performance.

But with Asurance, you always get great performance!

Ferguson raised an eyebrow. Were talking about you, Agent, not car insurance. He held up a hand to forestall her insurance-related comment. What was your last assignment, Agent?

I showed a bunch of people how to save money on car insurance!

No, actually, your last assignment was to stop Dr. Insano from activating his latest invention. Do you recall Dr. Insano, Agent?

I sure do! He saved time and money with Asurance!

Actually, yes he did. Then once you left, he disintegrated the Isle of Malta. Were you unclear on your orders, Agent?

No, sir! I tell everyone everywhere I go about Asurance!

Ferguson stared at Agent Asurance for a moment, drumming his fingers on his desk. Agent Asurance, you are a highly trained government operative with top secret clearance, access to the most sophisticated technology in the world and a license to kill. Dont you think it would be odd that we would send you out to tell people about car insurance?

But Asurance also covers boats, motorcycles, mopeds, scooters, snow mobiles, unicycles, and jet skis!

I guess not. Ferguson loosened his tie. Agent, if it were up to me, I would have you immediately removed from duty and confined to a psychiatric ward until our top doctors could figure out what was wrong with you. However, the Director likes you. Apparently, you saved him a bunch of money on his car insurance. Therefore, I will give you one last chance.

Ferguson picked up a file from his desk and tossed it to Agent Asurance. Doctor General Baron von Jones has escaped from prison and is rebuilding his organization. We dont know what his plan is, but if its anything like the last fourteen-times, he will be trying to construct any army of killer zombots. Find him, destroy his base, and bring him to justice. Any questions?

No, sir! Agent Asurance is on the case!

Good. Now remember Agent, youre a highly trained spy and assassin. Do not leave if he buys Asurance.

Right, Chief! Ill be sure to tell him about all the cash he can save with Asurance!

With that, Agent Asurance was out the door and gone. Deputy Director Ferguson leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. The clock read 11:38. He reached for the intercom.

Sandy, Im going to take an early lunch.

But, Agent Watchtower is here to see you, sir.

Ferguson groaned and then took a deep breath. Send him in.

Morning, sir! said Agent Watchtower, as he opened the door. Can I offer you a pamphlet?

I hate my life, muttered Ferguson.

Cheers,
-Jason

Zombies vs. Robots

So, I had a thought the other day: who would win in a fight between a zombie and a robot?

I am talking about your average, run-of-the-mill zombie, ie, your classic, slow, brain-obsessed ones and your average early 80s robot, who is also quite slow and bent of destroying all humans (think Cylons from the original Batllestar Galactica).

They are, upon comparison, weirdly similar:

Zombie
Slow
Really Stupid
Strong
Smells Bad
Nigh Unstoppable
Craves Brains

Robot
Slow
Kinda Stupid
Probably Stronger
Smells Minty
Also Nigh Unstoppable
Programmed to Destroy All Humans

The question is, if you put one of each room, who would emerge victorious? Actually, both of them would just stand there. The zombie craves brains, which the robot does not have, while the robot, which is programmed to kill all humans, would not target the zombie, as its already dead.

However, if you stuffed a brain into the robots chest cavity and then programmed it to attack any human-like thing that moved, you would then have a fight on your hands.

I would have to put my money on the robot, no matter how much I would want to support an Undead American. Frankly, while the zombie would eventually tear open the robot, the robot would probably first either immobilize the zombie by breaking its limbs or get a lucky shot to the zombies head and take him out completely.

Of course, if such an experiment were tried, the zombie and robot would end up working together to destroy humanity. Worse, they could merge and become a zombot (rombie just does not sound right).

Anyhow, $50 on the robot.

Cheers,
-Jason