Yet Another Great Idea

I have yet another great idea. It’s so simple it’s brilliant. And so brilliant it just might be insane. And so insane, it might actually wrap back around to simple again. It’s like the Circle of Life, only it involves a lot more hysterical laughter.
Shouting ‘you fools!’ is optional.

And here it is: self-cleaning bathrooms.

‘What?’ you may say, followed quickly by ‘madness!’ But let me assure you, it’s brilliant. See the first paragraph for an affirmation of this.

So, here’s what you do. You tile your entire bathroom (you may use linoleum if you prefer) and install a drain. Next, remove the whirly arm thingies and the soap dispensers from multiple dish washers and install them in the ceilings and walls, hooking them up to the water system and a big button just outside the bathroom that says ‘CLEAN.’

Then, when you want to clean your bathroom, you simply add soap, shut the door, and press the button. Your bathroom will then go through an entire wash cycle, spraying high-pressure water and soap all over every surface, rinsing it off, and then drying the whole place.

It would save time, money, and effort. As an additional bonus, you could put children, pets, patio furniture, appliances, and if your bathroom is big enough, motorcycles. And yes, you could even put the dishes in there.

Like I said, brilliant.

Strangely enough, I had this idea while cleaning my bathroom last weekend. My brother is coming for a visit, so I figured I should at least get rid of anything that can actually move. Everything else is negligible.

He’s my brother. He’s not particularly squeamish.

On the plus side, I found my Swiffer, so I swiffered the hell out of my kitchen floor. I then discovered that you can swiffer a wall too. Now everything smells like lemons and rotting flesh.

NOTE: There’s a zombie in the closet. No, I don’t know how or why, but he had my Swiffer, which explains both the smells.

Anyway, feel free to install a self-cleaning bathroom. However, I make no guarantees as to the safety, efficiency, or sanity of such a project.

And I’m not sure if ‘swiffer’ is really a word. I’m just sayin’.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Manly Art of Cleaning: Part 4

The kitchen is actually the easiest part of the apartment for me to clean. This is because I rarely do anything more complicated than heating chili in the microwave. The kitchen serves more as a soda repository and chili-heating-station rather than a place where actual food is cooked.

Another great idea: a combination refrigerator/microwave/cabinet/trash bin. It could be called BachelorPod (tm, copyright, etc). You take your can of chili off the top shelf, open it with the attached opener, pour it into the bowl on the lower shelf, insert the whole thing into the microwave, grab a soda from fridge and a spoon from another shelf and then eat the now hot chili right from the microwave. Everything is then deposited in the trash. Now if there was only a way to have the chili automatically restocked and the trash automatically emptied, it would be perfect.

So to clean my kitchen, all I really have to do is give the counters a cursory wipe, as I clean up the chili spills as they happen (I am not a complete slob). There is not much counter to wipe, either, as the primary use of my kitchen is to store my mail.

When I receive mail, I open it in the kitchen. Obvious junk mail is thrown in the trash. Important mail, such as the bills and death threats, go on my desk. Everything else which is important enough to read, but not immediately dangerous like a bill, goes on the counter. Theoretically, it will be read at some point, just not right now. Or this year.

My kitchen is therefore 90% mail, 10% counter, which is only used for chili. One does not need to clean mail, so there you go. A quick wipe with a sponge and maybe some sort of cleanser and the kitchen is good for another round.

And there you have it. I think I will start a business called Manly Cleaning. I come to your house, glance around, and say something like looks good to me and leave. All it will cost is a can of chili.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Manly Art of Cleaning: Part 3

I have a small confession to make. I do not really know how to clean a bathroom. It was not one of my chores as a kid and as such, no one has ever instructed me in the proper methods.

I therefore rely on the following method:

1. Acquire some sort of wiping utensil. This can be a cloth, a sponge, a t-shirt, an old magazine, whatever.

2. Acquire some sort of cleansing agent. An actual cleanser probably works best, but spit, gasoline, or the water in the pan under the fridge will do just fine.

3. Spread cleansing agent liberally on all surfaces. Sure, put it in the toilet, in the sink, and in the shower, but do not forget the mirror, under the sink, the toilet paper roll, or the actual toilet paper. If it has more than two-dimensions, it needs cleaning.

4. Rub vigorously.

5. Rinse with water. This will get rid of the residue and help put out the fires.

There, now the bathroom is perfectly clean. Tip: Be sure to offer the fireman something to drink before they go. They will remember you and be eager to return the next time you clean your bathroom.

Next: The Kitchen and the Conclusion!

The Manly Art of Cleaning: Part 1

As those of you who read my blog with any regularity know, I am not fond of the act of cleaning. Cleanliness is good. Cleaning is boring and tedious, being sort of the Uwe Boll movie of chores.

So, much to my surprise, I decided to clean the apartment.

I started with vacuuming. As has been stated before, I hate vacuuming. I do not know why, other than it was one of my chores as a kid. Relatively speaking, vacuuming is easy. Or rather, it should be.

I own a cat. She is a tiny little ball of psychotic fur that does not like anyone but me. She also sheds. Constantly. All year long. It never stops. So, as you can imagine, there is a lot of cat hair everywhere.

Note: If you are allergic to cats, do not enter my apartment. You will die. Instantly. If you wish to kill someone who is allergic to cats, send them to visit me. My body removal fees are quite reasonable.

Tomorrow: Lines on the Floor