Today I would like to talk about a segment of our population that has been overlooked, abused, and much maligned in America: zombies. Or as I prefer to call them: Undead Americans.
Undead Americans have given much to our society. They are our villains, our scapegoats, and the cannon-fodder of many a twisted scientist. They have been rekilled by the thousands, if not millions, by everyone from housewives to top-secret government Special Forces teams. And frankly, they deserve our respect and admiration.
Undead Americans exemplify what is best about our country. They are indefatigable and willing to suffer any injury in pursuit of their goals. They will not stop and when one Undead American falls, ten more rise to take his place. Theirs is the strength of unity and purpose and what is more American than that?
Now, I am the first to admit that brains have been eaten. Our alternately-alive brothers and sisters have a terrible, unquenchable hunger for brains. And who can blame them? Brains are tender, juicy, and delectable. The truffle of body parts, so to speak. Undead Americans do not deny us our hamburgers and chocolate malts, why should we deny them their food of choice?
So, the next time you are trapped in a mall or deserted military base and surrounded by hundreds or thousands of Undead Americans, put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? What lengths would you go to satisfy your hunger? And when you are blowing their heads off with a shotgun, do so with respect. After all, if you are cornered and out of ammo, you might very well join their ranks.
Braiiiins,
-Jason
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