Thursday, August 30, 2007


In my daily review of the news, I came across an article about a school in Colorado Springs that has banned the playing of Tag. Apparently, some children complained of being harassed and chased against their will.

So from what I can gather, Tag is harmful to children. Red Rover is probably also harmful. Dodgeball is right out, as is Smear the Person-Who-Is-Strange-or-Odd-From-A-Conventional-Viewpoint. Tetherball (I happened to be the Tetherball King of my school) and Hopscotch are okay, but only if played from a socially positive perspective.

The thing is, I played all those games. I also played a variety of other games that involved smashing, hitting, running, hiding, chasing, verbal abuse, throwing, and kicking. These activities were conducted in full view and full knowledge of the teachers.

These games made me what I am today and frankly, because this is America, somebody needs to get sued. I therefore propose a class-action lawsuit against my elementary school for allowing and even encouraging these games.

Did you play these games as a child? Did you play them on school grounds? Then join me in suing the pants off of your elementary school!

It is not like these games were an important part of childhood that helped develop physical and emotional skills that we need in our daily lives. The bumps and bruises, hurt feelings, tears, social interaction, winning and losing, none of these things have helped us become normal, well-adjusted people who can cope with the sharp edges of life.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am totally going to sue Pat Johnson. He nailed me in the face with a football in the 5th grade. It is his fault I am single. And smell funny. Well, maybe not the smell funny part, but the single thing is totally all him.



Lee said...

The sad thing is that a lawyer might see this and the next thing we know there will be ads on the TV like for the benzene suits. It'll be a sad day in history if the educational system is sank nationwide by a tag lawsuit *sigh*

Leigh Kellogg said...

Hey, I should sue my old grammar school! They used to make us march and play dodge ball in inter class competitions! Not only did they scar me for life but they left me with a lifelong habit of singing along when I hear marching songs and flinching when I see big red rubber balls.

Jason Janicki said...

Given the plethora of stupid lawsuits out there, I would actually be surprised if a 'tag lawsuit' hasn't been tried before.