New and Improved: Part 1

Thanks to Left 4 Dead, zombies are once again a hot topic in the gaming world. This got me thinking (as much as I ever do) about the different kinds of zombies. There are, in essence, two:

Slow zombies, who move, well, slowly. They tend to say ‘Brains’ a lot.

And fast zombies. They move quickly and don’t tend to say ‘Brains’ at all.

Granted, Left 4 Dead has Smokers, Boomers, Hunters, Witches, and Tanks as well, but they’re not really accepted as ‘standard’ zombies. They’re in a special class all their own (it’s like Special Ed, but you get to eat people for lunch).

As you can see, there’s not a lot of variation in zombies. They’re more-or-less dead and want to eat you. Mummies can curse you. Vampires get all the babes. Ghosts do . . . things. Okay, I don’t know what ghosts do. Moving on.

I have therefore decided to spice up the ranks of zombies with some new, more interesting versions of the walking dead. Please feel free to use them in your video games, movies, and television shows (assuming you give me money, of course).

Habeas Corpus (aka Law-Zombies):
Combining the horror of the walking dead with the sheer malevolence of a lawyer, Habeas Corpuses are generally found lurching around courthouses and upscale bars, muttering things like ‘Tort’ and ‘Martini.’ They won’t immediately go for your brain, preferring to first sue you into submission, so as to avoid having to chase you. Once you’re good and stunned by their devastating legal arguments, they will then dine on your grey matter, generally with some sort of Hollandaise sauce.

NOTE: I realize Habeas Corpus is a terrible, terrible pun. I did it on purpose (and am unashamed).

Nerd-bies:
The risen corpses of gamers and other sorts of nerds, Nerd-bies aren’t particularly interested in your brain. What they really want is all your WoW gold. They can often be found lurking in Game Stops and other similar stores, hoping to scare you into giving them your account information. Even easier to defeat than traditional, slow zombies, all you really need to do is point behind them and shout ‘Hey, it’s William Shatner!’ and then wander away while they’re distracted.

‘Leonard Nimoy’ also works, as will ‘Hey, that guy works for Blizzard!’

Tomorrow: Part 2