Thursday, November 20, 2008

New and Improved: Part 2

These hip, sleek zombies would lurk near Apple Stores, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting iPod and iPhone users. With their stylish good looks and ease of use, the average Apple-enthusiast would be helpless before them. They would also play MP3s, movies, act as a phone, and allow you to surf the net while being eaten.

The only defense against the iZombie is to look like John Hodgman and shout ‘I’m a PC!’ This should stun them sufficiently to allow for an easy escape.

Alert reader Kammorremae (which I think I spelled right) has suggested Zom-Babes. These rather attractive zombies would troll internet chat rooms and Craigslist, looking for a nice man to take them out to ‘lunch.’ They would be well-versed in the arts of flattery and faking interest, and would use every advantage to charm their unsuspecting victims.

“Oh, wow! You were the first level 80 DK on your server and you love to go to Southshore and gank noobs? You sound soooooo cool!”

J. Alexander Van Belkum suggested that a Zom-Babe could be used to distract a Nerd-bie. I would agree with that, but once they figured it out, they would team up and divest you of your gold and brains, more or less in that order.

In a typical zombie movie, the zombie bites a human and after dying, the human turns into a zombie and begins wreaking havoc. The details change from film to film, but the basic transmission of being bitten tends to remain the same.

What if (he began gleefully) you had a Reverse-Zombie? That is, a human that when he bit a zombie, turned it back into a human? The basic question, of course, is why would a human want to bite a zombie, but stranger things have happened.

The idea is not perfect. What if a zombie bit the reverse-zombie? Would it then be a reverse-reverse-zombie? What if the zombie being bitten had missing limbs or had most of its torso removed with a shotgun? Would it turn back into a human only long enough to scream in agony and then die (again)? Could a zombie and a reverse-zombie take turns biting the same target, bouncing it between zombie and human?

The mind boggles. Well, at least mine does.



Jerron said...

I've always wondered: Why do zombies eat brains? I mean, they're dead, and don't need to eat at all, do they? So, how about a zombie that just walks around wondering what to do? Maybe one that's pissed off at all the live ppeople, and just wants to smash brains. Or just aplain old helpful dead guy, even... You wouldn't know the difference, probaly, until you find out at the end there was some zombie you really shouldn't have shot.

"Hi, I'm Dead Bob, and I'll be your helper today. I have the keys to the exit, and the secret formula for reversing zombie-ism" *Blam!*

"Hey, was that zombie I just blasted with the shotgun saying something besides 'Brains!' ?"

"Naw, I think he was just saying 'Brains!' the long way. I couldn't hear him over the mini-gun anyhow."

Captain Hesperus said...

"Could a zombie and a reverse-zombie take turns biting the same target, bouncing it between zombie and human?"
That is sick, twisted and evil....
It also requires experimentation!!!

Gillsing said...

I remember reading a few pages of a webcomic where the protagonist was biting people turned into monsters, thereby turning them into people again. Wasn't a zombie though, was a werewolf, so life after the curse was possible. Unfortunately I can't seem to remember the name of the comic.

Jason Janicki said...

I have no idea why zombies eat brains. Generally, in the movies, they just seem to tear people apart.

I like the idea that they're trying to communicate, but all they can say is 'brains.'

'Excuse me, but I seem to have been turned into an ambulatory corpse. If you would be so kind as to-'


I'll get the ninjas, you get the draco-mercs, Captain.

Huh, never heard of that one, Gillsing. Sounds fun!