This was recently sent to me by a friend who shall remain nameless (Laura). It actually looks fun and I would probably go see it given sufficient prodding:
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
This led to some internet detecting and I discovered this gem: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Apparently this is some sort of ‘thing,’ wherein you take a historical figure and have them fight the forces of evil. It makes a weird sort of sense. Historical figures are to put it mildly, historical, and therefore more or less famous. Their names are readily recognizable and therefore make for free publicity. After all, no one would go see ‘Jason Janicki: Ninja Fighter,’ but ‘Genghis Khan: Ninja Fighter’ is an instant draw.
NOTE: Obviously, my immediate family would have to go see it. After all, I am the youngest, so if they have any hope of someone taking care of them when they get old, they have to humor me. Plus, I know where they live.
So, in order to cash in on what will probably become a trend, I’ve assembled a list of people, creatures, and actions so people (such as you) can make their own ‘X battles Y’ mash-ups. Simply pick one from each column and you’ve got a title you can use:
NOTE: Blogger hates columns, so use your imagination.
George Washington Armadillo Puncher
Thomas Jefferson Zombie Killer
Mohandas Gandhi Nazi Fighter
Anne Frank Werewolf Kicker
Margaret Thatcher Nerd Spooker
Ramses II Clown Strangler
George Patton World Smasher
Andrew Jackson Vampire Stabber
Mother Theresa Demon Hunter
Helen Keller Mummy Thrasher
Mary Shelley Dragon Tamer
Cleopatra Hamster Destroyer
Louis XIV Devil Crusher
Personally, I would totally see Anne Frank: Nazi Hunter. I have this mental image of a young girl wielding an iron bound book on a chain (like a meteor hammer – the ball on a long chain like the evil schoolgirl in Kill Bill used) beating the hell out of a lot of Nazis. I realize that Anne Frank died tragically and I have the utmost respect for her and her work, but I would still pay to see a fictionalized version of her beat the crap out of a lot of bad men.
Anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. And, obviously, should you make a multi-million dollar feature film using my title generator, I would appreciate a small gratuity, say 5% of gross. Or, you could just let me meet Olivia Wilde and have her pretend not to be horrified.
Cheers,
-Jason
Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Blood in the Parking Lot
I was at work the other day, busily sawing a monitor in half with a spork. I’m not entirely sure why I was doing this, but seeing as how I was almost halfway done, I figured I should just finish. ‘If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing to a psychotic extreme’ as my dad used to say. And then he’d hit me with a fish.
NOTE: I have no idea where he got or even kept the fish. In fact, I have no idea what kind of fish it was or even if it was the same fish. Was it a magic fish? Was there some sort of blood-debt involved? Had my father saved a Fish Prince and his reward was to always have a fresh fish at hand? That would explain a few things, except for why the fish were wearing little hats.
So, as I was sawing, a few coworkers passed by and I distinctly heard the phrase ‘taking blood in the parking lot’ pass between them. I dropped my spork, having instantly arrived at the obvious conclusion: there were vampires outside and they were ambushing people and drinking their blood.
Seeing as it was 2 in the afternoon and sunny out, I probably should have really thought things through, but I was busily trying to find something I could turn into a stake. A modern office, if you’ve never noticed, is remarkably lacking in wood.
Oh, there’s plastic, metal, cloth, whatever ceiling tiles are made of, and an abundance of carpeting, plenty of coworkers (useful as distractions, sure), but not a lot of wood. There aren’t even any pencils.
At long last, I found a pair of slight-used take-out chopsticks and after securely taping them together, I was ready to purge our parking lot of the undead.
“If anybody asks,” I told my coworker. “I’ll be out front killing vampires.”
“Sure,” was his response. This is generally how he responds to everything I do.
Now armed, I went forth to do battle.
The first thing I noticed was that there was a large van parked right next to the entrance. It had ‘Puget Sound Blood Center’ in big letters on one side, but I assumed this was merely a ruse on the part of the vampires. I snuck up on the door, tested it, and steeled myself for a life-and-death struggle with some really good looking, but very pale people.
I yanked the door open and leapt in, chopsticks raised, only to find a short woman in a white coat with a clipboard.
“Hi,” she said. “Are you here for the 2:00?”
“No, I’m here to destroy you and your nefarious schemes!” is what I wanted to say, but instead, I said “What?”
“The 2:00 appointment to donate blood.”
“Ummm . . . no.”
“Oh. Well, we have an open spot anyway. Did you want to donate?”
“Not really. I’m afraid of needles. And fish in hats.”
“Are you sure? Donating blood is vitally important . . . “ She kept talking, but I was distracted by one of our artists sitting on a couch with a band aid on his arm, eating a cookie.
“Do I get a cookie?” I interrupted.
“Sure.”
“Sign me up.”
One form, two needles, a few tears, and about twenty minutes later, I was happily eating a lemon snickerdoodle. The techs were very nice and they laughed politely when I told them I had been planning on killing them both with a pair of slightly-used chopsticks.
Or it might have been a nervous chuckle. I’m not really sure.
Cheers,
-Jason
P.S. In all seriousness, if you can, donate blood. It helps a lot of people and they give you cookies afterwards.
NOTE: I have no idea where he got or even kept the fish. In fact, I have no idea what kind of fish it was or even if it was the same fish. Was it a magic fish? Was there some sort of blood-debt involved? Had my father saved a Fish Prince and his reward was to always have a fresh fish at hand? That would explain a few things, except for why the fish were wearing little hats.
So, as I was sawing, a few coworkers passed by and I distinctly heard the phrase ‘taking blood in the parking lot’ pass between them. I dropped my spork, having instantly arrived at the obvious conclusion: there were vampires outside and they were ambushing people and drinking their blood.
Seeing as it was 2 in the afternoon and sunny out, I probably should have really thought things through, but I was busily trying to find something I could turn into a stake. A modern office, if you’ve never noticed, is remarkably lacking in wood.
Oh, there’s plastic, metal, cloth, whatever ceiling tiles are made of, and an abundance of carpeting, plenty of coworkers (useful as distractions, sure), but not a lot of wood. There aren’t even any pencils.
At long last, I found a pair of slight-used take-out chopsticks and after securely taping them together, I was ready to purge our parking lot of the undead.
“If anybody asks,” I told my coworker. “I’ll be out front killing vampires.”
“Sure,” was his response. This is generally how he responds to everything I do.
Now armed, I went forth to do battle.
The first thing I noticed was that there was a large van parked right next to the entrance. It had ‘Puget Sound Blood Center’ in big letters on one side, but I assumed this was merely a ruse on the part of the vampires. I snuck up on the door, tested it, and steeled myself for a life-and-death struggle with some really good looking, but very pale people.
I yanked the door open and leapt in, chopsticks raised, only to find a short woman in a white coat with a clipboard.
“Hi,” she said. “Are you here for the 2:00?”
“No, I’m here to destroy you and your nefarious schemes!” is what I wanted to say, but instead, I said “What?”
“The 2:00 appointment to donate blood.”
“Ummm . . . no.”
“Oh. Well, we have an open spot anyway. Did you want to donate?”
“Not really. I’m afraid of needles. And fish in hats.”
“Are you sure? Donating blood is vitally important . . . “ She kept talking, but I was distracted by one of our artists sitting on a couch with a band aid on his arm, eating a cookie.
“Do I get a cookie?” I interrupted.
“Sure.”
“Sign me up.”
One form, two needles, a few tears, and about twenty minutes later, I was happily eating a lemon snickerdoodle. The techs were very nice and they laughed politely when I told them I had been planning on killing them both with a pair of slightly-used chopsticks.
Or it might have been a nervous chuckle. I’m not really sure.
Cheers,
-Jason
P.S. In all seriousness, if you can, donate blood. It helps a lot of people and they give you cookies afterwards.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
We Need A New Monster: Part 1
We all know the plot.
A maiden is asleep in her bed, her room illuminated by a sliver of moon. She’s beautiful and clad in a prim white nightshirt, which is unbuttoned just enough to reveal the smooth line of her throat. There’s a sudden stir in the air and a young man appears. He’s pale, his dark hair is unruly and probably contains enough gel to grease an ’57 Chevy. He moves towards the maiden, his feet soundless on the carpet.
Her eyes open as his shadow falls across her and her scream is stifled by his hand over her mouth.
“Don’t be frightened,” he whispers, as he leans over.
She nods and he releases her.
“Now then,” he begins. “I’m here-“
“Yes,” she interrupts. “Blah, blah, blah. Make with the biting.” She pulls her nightshirt open and curves her head away.
“Pardon?”
“Go ahead. Bite me and then we can fall in love, agonize over various moral choices for a while, and eventually you’ll turn me into a vampire and we’ll live happily ever after.”
“Ummm, that’s not-“
She sits up. “Look. Either you bite me right now or I’ll tell everyone that you tried to steal my underwear.”
“But-“
“But nothing. C’mon, let’s get to it. Or should I scream?”
“No! No. That’s quite all right. I’ll bite you, if that’s what you want. It’s just . . . can you answer a question first?”
“What’s that?”
He paused, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolding it. “Is this 1226 South Cooper Street? I saw your ad on Craigslist and I wanted to pick up the free mattress.”
***
What we need is a new monster. Vampires have just been done to death (pun intended). They were ugly for a long time, as in Nosferatu, and then Bela Lugosi made them suave in Dracula. Frank Langella made them sexy in the ‘70s. Anne Rice made them angsty in the ‘80s, and Stephanie Meyers has made them shiny. Next, someone will come up with vampires who cry rainbows while tending to orphaned animals.
NOTE TO SELF: Write a book about handsome, angsty, suave humanitarian vampires who care deeply about the environment.
Honestly, we need a new monster, something that will strike fear and terror in the hearts of men and yet be kinda sexy. Werewolves are too hairy. Demons are too close to vampires. Frankenstein-style monsters aren’t good-looking enough.
Therefore, I nominate mummies.
Next Week: Part 2
A maiden is asleep in her bed, her room illuminated by a sliver of moon. She’s beautiful and clad in a prim white nightshirt, which is unbuttoned just enough to reveal the smooth line of her throat. There’s a sudden stir in the air and a young man appears. He’s pale, his dark hair is unruly and probably contains enough gel to grease an ’57 Chevy. He moves towards the maiden, his feet soundless on the carpet.
Her eyes open as his shadow falls across her and her scream is stifled by his hand over her mouth.
“Don’t be frightened,” he whispers, as he leans over.
She nods and he releases her.
“Now then,” he begins. “I’m here-“
“Yes,” she interrupts. “Blah, blah, blah. Make with the biting.” She pulls her nightshirt open and curves her head away.
“Pardon?”
“Go ahead. Bite me and then we can fall in love, agonize over various moral choices for a while, and eventually you’ll turn me into a vampire and we’ll live happily ever after.”
“Ummm, that’s not-“
She sits up. “Look. Either you bite me right now or I’ll tell everyone that you tried to steal my underwear.”
“But-“
“But nothing. C’mon, let’s get to it. Or should I scream?”
“No! No. That’s quite all right. I’ll bite you, if that’s what you want. It’s just . . . can you answer a question first?”
“What’s that?”
He paused, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolding it. “Is this 1226 South Cooper Street? I saw your ad on Craigslist and I wanted to pick up the free mattress.”
***
What we need is a new monster. Vampires have just been done to death (pun intended). They were ugly for a long time, as in Nosferatu, and then Bela Lugosi made them suave in Dracula. Frank Langella made them sexy in the ‘70s. Anne Rice made them angsty in the ‘80s, and Stephanie Meyers has made them shiny. Next, someone will come up with vampires who cry rainbows while tending to orphaned animals.
NOTE TO SELF: Write a book about handsome, angsty, suave humanitarian vampires who care deeply about the environment.
Honestly, we need a new monster, something that will strike fear and terror in the hearts of men and yet be kinda sexy. Werewolves are too hairy. Demons are too close to vampires. Frankenstein-style monsters aren’t good-looking enough.
Therefore, I nominate mummies.
Next Week: Part 2
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Sexy Dead People
I have realized it will soon be Halloween. I know this because there are humungous candy displays in the grocery stores and a glut of really bad horror movies on cable. Yes, I am that clueless about dates. Whenever I talk to my mother, she always asks if I called someone on their birthday, which was last week. I always reply that I did not, as I did not know. I then ask her to remind me before the actual birthday, but so far, no dice.
However, as it is Halloween, I have decided to do a few blogs about monsters and some of the various Halloween traditions. First off, vampires.
Now at some point in the last century, vampires became sexy. Now some of you may not realize this, but historically, vampires were not attractive, brooding loners with a penchant for black clothes who whined about their lot in life (unlife).
Vampires used to actually be scary. People were afraid of them.
No, really. I am not kidding.
Vampires were EVIL. Bad evil, not cool evil. They would actually kill you. And they would do it in a messy, and above all, painful way. And they were ugly. Not in a disheveled, hip, too-cool-to-care-about-my-appearance way, but in a not-human, holy &#@! what-is-that kind of way.
Vampires did not agonize over moral decisions. They did not feel pity or remorse. They did not hang out in coffee shops or Hot Topic. People were takeout food, so to speak.
Now, I am not saying these new, coiffed vampires are a bad thing (pun intended), but I think the pendulum has swung too far to one side. Sure, I loved Underworld and Blade and Buffy, but there should be some love for the misshapen, flesh ripping, soul-eating, malodorous, non-recycling, village-slaughtering monstrosities as well.
But maybe that is just me.
Cheers,
-Jason
However, as it is Halloween, I have decided to do a few blogs about monsters and some of the various Halloween traditions. First off, vampires.
Now at some point in the last century, vampires became sexy. Now some of you may not realize this, but historically, vampires were not attractive, brooding loners with a penchant for black clothes who whined about their lot in life (unlife).
Vampires used to actually be scary. People were afraid of them.
No, really. I am not kidding.
Vampires were EVIL. Bad evil, not cool evil. They would actually kill you. And they would do it in a messy, and above all, painful way. And they were ugly. Not in a disheveled, hip, too-cool-to-care-about-my-appearance way, but in a not-human, holy &#@! what-is-that kind of way.
Vampires did not agonize over moral decisions. They did not feel pity or remorse. They did not hang out in coffee shops or Hot Topic. People were takeout food, so to speak.
Now, I am not saying these new, coiffed vampires are a bad thing (pun intended), but I think the pendulum has swung too far to one side. Sure, I loved Underworld and Blade and Buffy, but there should be some love for the misshapen, flesh ripping, soul-eating, malodorous, non-recycling, village-slaughtering monstrosities as well.
But maybe that is just me.
Cheers,
-Jason
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