Thursday, June 17, 2010

We Need A New Monster: Part 1

We all know the plot.

A maiden is asleep in her bed, her room illuminated by a sliver of moon. She’s beautiful and clad in a prim white nightshirt, which is unbuttoned just enough to reveal the smooth line of her throat. There’s a sudden stir in the air and a young man appears. He’s pale, his dark hair is unruly and probably contains enough gel to grease an ’57 Chevy. He moves towards the maiden, his feet soundless on the carpet.
Her eyes open as his shadow falls across her and her scream is stifled by his hand over her mouth.

“Don’t be frightened,” he whispers, as he leans over.

She nods and he releases her.

“Now then,” he begins. “I’m here-“

“Yes,” she interrupts. “Blah, blah, blah. Make with the biting.” She pulls her nightshirt open and curves her head away.


“Go ahead. Bite me and then we can fall in love, agonize over various moral choices for a while, and eventually you’ll turn me into a vampire and we’ll live happily ever after.”

“Ummm, that’s not-“

She sits up. “Look. Either you bite me right now or I’ll tell everyone that you tried to steal my underwear.”


“But nothing. C’mon, let’s get to it. Or should I scream?”

“No! No. That’s quite all right. I’ll bite you, if that’s what you want. It’s just . . . can you answer a question first?”

“What’s that?”

He paused, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket and unfolding it. “Is this 1226 South Cooper Street? I saw your ad on Craigslist and I wanted to pick up the free mattress.”


What we need is a new monster. Vampires have just been done to death (pun intended). They were ugly for a long time, as in Nosferatu, and then Bela Lugosi made them suave in Dracula. Frank Langella made them sexy in the ‘70s. Anne Rice made them angsty in the ‘80s, and Stephanie Meyers has made them shiny. Next, someone will come up with vampires who cry rainbows while tending to orphaned animals.

NOTE TO SELF: Write a book about handsome, angsty, suave humanitarian vampires who care deeply about the environment.

Honestly, we need a new monster, something that will strike fear and terror in the hearts of men and yet be kinda sexy. Werewolves are too hairy. Demons are too close to vampires. Frankenstein-style monsters aren’t good-looking enough.

Therefore, I nominate mummies.

Next Week: Part 2


Captain Hesperus said...

I nominate demonically-possessed grey mackerel-striped kittens with a penchant for world domination, quintruple-strength espresso and torturing anything weaker than itself (i.e. everything)....

Ed said...

Consider you said "new". Consider that mummies have been around at *least* since 1805, according to wikipedia

Captain Hesperus' idea is thus the best valid idea presented thus far.

I suggest a mulikoora, myself. However, I don't know what the heck that is. In fact, for all I know, it could be a demonically-possessed grey mackerel-striped kitten.

Anonymous said...

What about drow? (Which my browser's spell-check doesn't recognize. Odd.)

Toil3T said...

That last (anonymous) comment was from me. Gaaah!

"gunner" said...

how about the bunyip, a perfectly good auussie monster wasted out in the never never when he/it could be frightening children and nervous adults world wide.

Buzzcook said...

Anne Rice did angsty mummies to.

I say puppies haven't been given their due. Sure they're cute and cuddly but they can give you quite a nip with those sharp milk teeth.

Jason Janicki said...

But I thought you preferred to rule from the shadows, Captain?

Well, Ed, I meant 'new' in the sense of 'not having been done to death in the last 15 years.' Yes, they are arguably one of the older monsters, but they probably get the least love.

Drizzt kinda ruined Drow. Now they're all angsty and yearning to do good (Goblins did a good bit with them early on).

I'll look into Bunyips, gunner!

Oh, man. Leave it to Anne Rice to mess up my dreams again! I was all set to publish Casual Lunch with a Bloodsucker when she came out with Interview . . . kidding of course :)

Hmmm, puppies. I'll have to think on that one . . .