Thursday, June 10, 2010

Fear No More!

I have had yet another brilliant idea. It occurred to me when I was talking to Leigh today, so I will thank him when I receive the Nobel Peace Prize. He will no doubt be honored that I remembered him on such a grand occasion.

So, without further ado . . .

Tell me, what is the #1 most worrisome issue for the world today? What is the one concern that every politician addresses? What is it that keeps men, women, and most internet bloggers up at night, their arms wrapped around their Friendly Huggy Bear with Kung-Fu Grip for safety?

No, it’s not nuclear war. Or terrorism. Or fluoridated drinking water. Or Lady Gaga’s current ensemble.

Its zombies.

That’s right, we’re all afraid of the zombie hordes that will inevitably crash upon civilization like a smelly tsunami with a thirst for brains. Even if they’re slow zombies, we won’t be able to get away from the slowly plodding mass of newly risen dead. They are relentless. Nigh unstoppable.

But they have one weakness: shoelaces.

That’s right. We tie their shoelaces together. They’re not smart enough to untie them and even fast zombies will be reduced to crawling slowly across the fields and interstates of the world, as we easily stay ahead of them. This will allow us time to assemble our defenses, make large stacks of rocks for throwing, and even nip down to the local convenience store to buy energy drinks so we are better able to fight off the pathetically crawling hordes.

Honestly, we could just pile into our trucks and SUVs and run them over.
“Brilliant!” I can hear you shouting. “Yet, how do we tie their shoelaces together if they are already coming after us?”

Simple. When someone is buried, we simply make it a law that all morticians must tie the deceased’s shoelaces together before internment. It’s that easy. Eventually, given a few years, all the dead will be so dealt with and we will be free to continue consuming massive amounts of high fructose corn syrup without having to worry about outrunning a bunch of dead people.

I’ll be accepting my award now.



Anonymous said...

The sick part is....

That's actually not a half bad idea...

Buzzcook said...

Well how about we just shoot the corpse in the head with a large caliber handgun before we close the lid?

We could end unemployment over night by hiring corpse shooters.

And who doesn't want to go out with a bang?

Toil3T said...

Great idea, but we'd still have to do something about people currently dead. Maybe we should dig them up and tie their shoelaces together.

Alternatively, cremation could work. Or Buzzcook's idea.

"gunner" said...

zombies? dey be ahll green an' funky mahn.

Astrus said...

Of course you'd also have to make it a law that all deceased are to be buried with shoes and laces made of a material that doesn't rot.

I think I'll have to consider what I have to do to get exclusive rights to sell said footwear. Seems like there'll always be demand.
Now the first thing I'll need is a catchy name...

Silver said...

You could always make your escape in a punchbuggy too, and have the zombies punch each other to death.

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks, Anon!

Well, bullets cost money and people might object to having their deceased relatives mutilated in such a fashion, Buzzcook. We could just hire shoe-tiers instead :)

Well, people currently dead will decompose in a certain amount of time, so we just have to make sure we're ready until then, Toil3t :)

Or we could just tie their feet together with shoelaces, Astrus. Honestly, I'm not sure if people are buried with footwear or not :)

Interesting thought, Silver.