Nerds Unite!: Part 3

Now, before we get to the all-important task at hand, I would like to announce that we now have an RSS feed! Rejoice!

I actually have no idea what that is, but Leigh said it was good so I agreed.

And now, on with the Naming of the Nerds!

Yesterday, I promised that we would get to your suggestions, so here we are, in no particular order (apologies if names are misspelled).

Chris had several suggestions:
a conclave of nerds
a nerd alliance
a nerd array
a league of nerds

I rather like the ‘conclave’ of nerds. It makes us sound important.

Gillsing suggested ‘nerd-herd,’ which is catchy and rhyme-y.

Alexander Lex V. also had a number of suggestions:
a guild of nerds
a clan of nerds
a circuit of nerds
that bunch of virgins

I do like ‘a circuit of nerds’ though ‘that bunch of virgins’ is apt (though hard to say).

pixie_bit suggested ‘con’ in some fashion. This has advantages as it can be more specific as in a ‘Trek-Con of nerds’ or a ‘Gate-Con of nerds.’

An anonymous commenter suggested ‘Hash’ whilst another suggest ‘pod.’ I rather like Hash, though ‘pod’ is good as well (though it is already in use for whales).

And vonbek suggested a ‘googleplex.’ According to Wikipedia, a Googleplex is ‘a play on words, being a blend of Google and complex, and a reference to googolplex, the name given to the large number 10googol.’ A truly nerd-like word if I’ve ever heard one.

Well, what do you all think? Which of the terms of the last three days do you think best represents nerddom? I’ll post the winner later on and then we can see about getting it added to Wikipedia.

Cheers,
-Jason

Nerds Unite!: Part 2

And now, more terms!

An Acronym of Nerds
We nerds do love our acronyms. I was watching ST:NG the other day, when I realized I was late for my BRD run in WoW. The XP was great, but I totally LOL’d when the tank went AFK accidentally and died.

A Deathmatch of Nerds
Another popular pastime among we nerds is the FPS Deathmatch, where we use our brilliantly honed reflexes and ability to sit nigh-motionless for hours on end to blow each other’s avatars into very small chunks.
A QWERTY of Nerds
While nerds have existed for hundreds of thousands of years and computers are only a relatively recent invention, the two have become inextricably linked in the mass consciousness. Therefore, it seems appropriate to smoosh them even further together by naming a group of nerds after the standard keyboard setup.

A Dew of Nerds
I have a small confession: I don’t actually like Mountain Dew. However, with its high caffeine content, it seems to be the drink of choice among nerds. If there was one soda to represent all of nerdom, it should probably be the Dew.

A Federation of Nerds
Star Trek is probably the single greatest icon of nerds in the world and rightly so. Few subjects are as debated among nerds and ignored by others as Star Trek. Whether you’re a Trekkie, a Trekker, a Picard man or a Kirk supporter, you’ve probably spent more time arguing with other nerds about Star Trek than anything else. As such, it would seem only proper to include Star Trek in the formal classification of nerds.

I’ve already received some great ideas, so keep sending them in and I’ll list yours on Friday!

Tomorrow: Your Ideas!

Nerds Unite!: Part 1

This may come as a shock to some of you, but I am a nerd. I do not hide this. In fact, I wear the name proudly and rejoice in its unwashed glory.

Unless, of course, I’m talking to a woman. In which case, I’m a real estate agent who likes football, sweaters, and shoe shopping.

NOTE: This has never actually happened.

Anyhow, something fired in my brain today, leading me to wonder what a group of nerds is called. I scoured the internet, leaving no page unread to find the answer (read: I did a Google search) and as far as I can tell, there is no word to describe a gathering of nerds. Oh, and a group of toads is called a ‘knot.’ No kidding.

So, my nerdish brethren, I have taken it upon myself to come up with an appropriate word to describe a gathering of nerds. I will post my best thoughts over the next two days and on the third day, I will post any suggestions you may have and come up with a final decision. I may even put it on Wikipedia!

Here are my thoughts:

A Fellowship of Nerds
An obvious Tolkien reference, which is fitting as Tolkien is the spiritual father of nerddom as we know it. ‘Fellowship’ embodies many great qualities of nerds: courage, sacrifice, not bathing for long periods of time, and above all, groups of guys running around with nary a girl in sight.

An Int of Nerds
‘Int’ is short for ‘Integer,’ a common data type in computer programming. It speaks of our love of computers, our (general) abilities with math, and is sufficiently obscure that non-nerds will go ‘huh?’

A Party of Nerds
In RPGs, a group of PCs is generally referred to as a ‘party.’ It evokes images of Saturdays playing DnD, arguing about rules, eating Cheetos and BBQ potato chips, and pretending to actually talk to girls. It is truly a quintessential nerd word.

A l33t of Nerds
L33t speak for ‘elite,’ ‘l33t’ captures the fast-paced, competitive nature of the nerd at his most formidable: when he’s flaming noobs on the internet. Whether it’s correcting people in the Orgrimmar ‘General’ chat channel or proving your point about the Enterprise E’s maximum Warp Speed on a forum, all lesser nerds tremble before the l33t.

Got an idea for the word? Reply and let me know!

Tomorrow: More terms!

OW!

A buddy of mine sent me the following clip. It's apparently from a movie, the name of which I don't know.

Anyhow, it's very funny, in a violent sort of way. If you're adverse to fighting, I would not recommend it.

I could not find an embedded link, so here you go:

http://www.maniacworld.com/dont-show-off-before-a-fight.html

Cheers,
-Jason

And Now For The Weather

We have been tentatively schedule for the Tri-Cities Comic Con. I say 'tentatively' as we haven't gotten any notice yet, but they did cash the check, so I'm assuming that's a bit better than a 'maybe.'

In other news, it's wet. Very, very wet. And hot. Not terribly hot, just hot. Combine those two and you pretty much get muggy, which is not the most pleasant thing in the world. We don't have any mosquitos, though, so there's a plus.

It's kind of depressing, actually. We had a really, really long, cold winter and I was hoping for a few months of decent summer to make up for it. This is unusual, as I don't really care about the weather, other than that it doesn't actively try to kill me. Yet, the weather this year has been a giant ball of 'blah' with a side of 'yick.'

Wait, is it 'yick' or 'yich?' Oddly, enough, MS Word doesn't have that in the dictionary.

Anyway, we have another action-packed update this week and the usual blogs.

Cheers,
-Jason

Why?

The other day, I was minding my own business, beating a stuffed wombat with an inflatable tuba, when a coworker asked me why I end my blogs with ‘Cheers.’

NOTE: While beating a stuffed wombat with an inflatable tuba at work may seem odd, I will point out that it’s the only thing keeping the wombats in check.

It seemed a valid question, so I ceased my fruitless pummeling and endeavored to answer. In actuality, ‘cheers’ was not my first choice as a salutation. I originally planned on going with ‘Codpiece!’ but that seemed a little much. My second choice was ‘Surreptitiously,’ which was interesting, but hard to spell. My third choice was an unpronounceable symbol used to summon an Elder god of immense, cheese-related power. Unfortunately, Ariel doesn’t have that as part of its standard font package. I thought for sure Wingdings would have it, but again, no luck.

So, why ‘cheers?’ Frankly, it seemed like a nice way to kind of say ‘have a nice day’ or ‘wheee!’ or even ‘dude!’ I actually had a client at an old job who used it regularly and I liked it, so I adopted it for use in the blog. It just seemed like a good, all-purpose, non-denominational way to say ‘happiness.’

That being said, I will use it until I can find a font that has that unpronounceable symbol. Hopefully, the world won’t immediately end in a giant fondue fireball when I do use it.

Which would be damn cool.

Cheers,
-Jason

'Almost' Mail

There is a very large pile of mail on my kitchen counter. It is large enough that it pretty much obscures the counter, most of the sink, and part of the cabinet above it. I’m not exactly sure what’s under it. I seem to recall buying bananas two-odd months ago, they may still be there, somewhere. They may have actually merged with the mail, creating some sort of bizarre banana-message hybrid.

This would be pretty sweet. You get a banana, unpeel it to reveal the letter, and then eat it. It would be informative and nutritious! I will dub it the ‘Bananagram.’

You see, the kitchen counter is where I toss all my ‘almost’ mail. This is mail that isn’t junk and thus cannot be thrown away, but it isn’t quite important enough to actually peruse, like a bill or a new Victoria’s Secret catalog.

NOTE: Yes, I get Victoria’s Secret catalogs. A female friend thinks it’s funny to sign her male friends up for them. I complain occasionally, just so she keeps doing it.

So, I put the ‘almost’ mail on the counter, with full intention of reading it when I have more leisure time (ha!). Predictably, I never actually read the mail on the counter. I just continue to throw new stuff on top. Occasionally, say once a year, the mail either reaches critical mass and cascades onto the floor in an avalanche of letters or I actually want to cook something and need to counter, in which case the mail gets thrown away.

Yet, I feel guilty about it. I really, really did intend to read it one day, but sadly, never got around to it. It seems like there should somehow be a metaphor about life in there somewhere. Something about never finding the time to do what needs to be done.

Actually, forget the metaphor. Someone needs to write a country song about it.

Unopened mail
Just sittin’ by my sink.

Smells like bananas,
Man, I need a drink.

There’s bills an’ letters
An’ women in thongs.

My ‘almost’ pile o’ mail,
Why can’t we get along?

Something, something, something.

Cheers,
-Jason

You Are Not Old Enough To View This Tree

I happened upon an editor-demo for FarCry 2 today (Far Cry?) and being a nerd as well as a game designer, I thought I would check it out. I clicked on the video and was presented with a little screen asking for my age verification. I input the necessary numbers (I just scroll all the way to the bottom for the year) and then prepared for the most magnificent, incredible, age-appropriate editor demo I had ever seen.

There were trees. Some of them were set on fire. Oh, there were mountains and a river too. And a bunch of buildings and cars.

Upon finishing the video, it left me wondering why the hell I had to verify my age. The trees, though technically naked, were probably not enough to stir the libido of even the most crazed biologist. The fire effects, though pretty, really did not warrant an 18+ rating. It was, all being said and done, a pretty sexy editor. Not that sexy though.

There were never any actual people shown in the video! Or violence! Or nudity or blood or anything! Nothing that could possibly warrant age verification was shown.

Frankly, this irritates me to no end.

If I’m going to bother to enter my age to watch a video, it had better be scandalous. Sailors should blush upon viewing it. Nuns should pass out. Scientists should drop their beakers in a dramatic fashion. Super models should be so shocked, they actually eat something.

Now, I realize that the good people that make the Far Cry games don’t want any lawsuits, so they probably slap age verification on everything. That’s fine, but at least, y’know, give us something. An explosion, a volcano, seven wood nymphs doing aerobics, anything.

That was a sweet editor, though.

Cheers,
-Jason

Auto-Ballet

Okay, I'm not exactly sure why they did it, but it was really cool nonetheless.

I give you: Auto-Ballet



It just goes to prove that given enough time, guys will do most anything with cars.

Cheers,
-Jason

Texas!

We are pleased to announce that we will be in Texas at the Arlington Convention Center for Wizard World! November 7-9th.

This is going to be our big 'far away' con this year and we're excited, as we'll get to ride on an actual airplane! Yes, the airline has graciously allowed us back on after the infamous 'S-Foils in Attack Position' incident (which we cannot legally describe).

NOTE: Other than it rocked!

So, please show up and come by the booth. You won't miss us, we'll be the two nerds selling comic books.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 3

So, I’ve gotten a few suggestions for the Complete List of EVIL, which I will now share with you. They have been added to the list in the slot I felt best represented their level of EVIL.

2. Political Pundits
Yes, they’re EVIL, but not really EVIL. They’re more like parasites, which though deserving of your loathing, are necessary in nature and stuff. No, I don’t really know what they’re necessary for, I was just making an analogy.

4. Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Now, I’m not really sure we can actually classify the Killer Rabbit as EVIL. It is (was) a killing machine, but so are sharks, weed whackers, and those spiny things that pounce on your head when you’re on the toilet. It might have been EVIL, but we really don’t know. All we do know is that it was capable of taking out a number of heavily armored knights and was inadequately protected against shrapnel.

10. Melkor
Yes, Melkor was ultimate EVIL in Middle Earth and was banished into the Void through the Door of Night. He was, in the words of a friend of mine, the ‘uber-douche.’

10. Really Good Web Comics That Don’t Update
Now, now, we can’t really call them EVIL. Sometimes (cough) people get sick or (throat clearing) lose their colorist. Now, if they didn’t update on purpose that would be EVIL, but for all we know, they're just on hiatus.

13. All Our Forum Contributors
Nah, they’re not EVIL, they’re just misunderstood. Really. Honestly, they’re a fine bunch of people and/or things with impeccable manners, spelling, and the highest standards of hygiene. I am specifically NOT saying this because they scare me. Nope, not at all. They’re all handsome and/or beautiful as well. Seriously.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 2

6. General Woundwort
Remember how I said bunnies weren’t EVIL? Well, there’s always General Woundwort, the mean, nasty, authoritarian rabbit leader from Watership Down. A book, I may add, that both thrilled and terrified me as a young lad. General Woundwart was such a badass that he fought Bigwig to a standstill and was only defeated by a large dog. The rabbits never found his body though and in later years, does would tell their kittens to behave, lest the General come to take them away. Yeah, when you’re name is used to frighten children, you’re a badass.

7. The Child Catcher
Some of you may be old enough to remember Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. For those of you who aren’t, well this won’t make much sense. The Child Catcher was in charge of catching children (obviously). He was, as far as my five-years old self could tell, the epitome of EVIL. When a guy pulls up in a brightly colored cart, sings a song about candy, and then imprisons you when you try to get some, that’s pretty EVIL.

8. Clown-Brides
I originally suggested clowns as being EVIL, yet Beth argued that brides were just as EVIL. Brides as in: women about to get married (apparently, she’s has a wedding next weekend and is the Maid of Honor). I figured that if clowns were EVIL and brides were EVIL, then clown-brides had to be the most EVIL of all.

And if you don’t believe me that clowns are EVIL, fear of them is a medically recognized ailment: coulrophobia.

9. Sauron
The big bad himself, Sauron came ‘that close’ to conquering middle-earth and destroying the world of men. Twice. He’s so EVIL he doesn’t even need a body, though he could use a really big bottle of visine.

10. The Source of All EVIL
If you may recall, there was a film called Time Bandits, wherein the villain was the Source of All EVIL. He was pure, concentrated EVIL and was intent on remaking the universe in his own image. He was also intrigued by digital watches.

Tomorrow: Your additions to the list!

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 1

Whilst at Dragonflight, I happened to be placed next to Beth and Maria of Famine Lands. They also premiered at this year’s Emerald Con, were also at Spokane Con, and since have become ‘Con Buddies.’

Anyhow, it was late Saturday evening and the tide of con-goers had trickled to a mere . . . trickle. I noticed Beth and Maria giggling over something so I investigated. It turns out that for some reason, possibly the exhaustion of all involved, they had decided to make a list of EVIL.

Said list is rated from 1 to 10, with Bunnies at 0 as calibration. We assumed that Bunnies were as a group not EVIL. Yes, we are well aware that there may be some perfectly EVIL bunnies out there (which will come up later). However, they are, in general, considered to be non-EVIL.

Also, lower ranks of EVIL tend to be critters that are just generally EVIL, insomuch that they don’t actively plot EVIL, they just kind of are.

We also decided that non-sentient objects could not be EVIL as well. However, like the bunnies rule, this would soon be broken.

Here are the first five, as far as I can remember:

0. Bunnies
As discussed, they are the control group.

1. Maria
Yes, the Maria from Famine Lands. I don’t know why she’d put herself on the list, but I can only imagine it had something to do with a mallet, three ice-cubes, and 11-feet of silly string. So, yes, I have no idea.

2. Blue Meanies
From ‘The Yellow Submarine.’ They’re sort of like large blue blobs. They’re not terribly EVIL, they just work for a jerk. They scared the poop out of me when I was five. Literally.

3. Teletubbies
This was Maria’s idea. She has a small child and has apparently been inundated with Teletubbies. I chose not to argue with her (recall the aforementioned mallet).

4. Orcs & MySpace
Now, you may wonder why Orcs are so low on the list. Well, they’re pretty mindless. They just kinda ‘do’ EVIL. Sort of like teenagers. With swords. MySpace was again, Maria’s idea. Thought it violated the ‘no non-sentient’ rule, we decided to allow it because Maria is scary.

5. Mr. Warren
My fifth grade teacher. He seemed to delight in being a jerk. He gets to be #5 because I think he actually plotted said ‘jerkness.’ I have no proof, save my own suspicions and the fact that he made me lose the ‘three-legged-man’ race on the last day of school. Yes, I can hold a grudge.

Tomorrow, I will post the remainder of the list. Please feel free to comment with your own EVIL candidates. I will post those on Friday.

Comic Delayed

If you happened to read yesterday's blog, then you will already know that Leigh was sick all weekend. This, sadly, means that the latest page will be delayed until Wednesday.

The good news is that Buzzcomics is now back up and we have fixed the vote button. We also have a new Top Web button. So, please, vote for us on both sites.

A while ago, I pledged to maybe give you a nickel if you happened to meet us and mentioned that you voted. However, in light of both buttons being up, I am upping that to a whole QUARTER!

That's right. If happen to meet us, mention that you vote regularly, and we have a quarter handy, we'll give it to you. That's 25-cents American! It is accepted at all American shops and many, many vending machines. So, please, vote early and often!

And now for something completely different: A Slo-Mo video of a lightning strike!



This was taken in extreme slow-motion and is exceedingly cool! If, like me, you ever wondered what a lightning strike looked like, you can now cross that off your list.

Cheers,
-Jason

Dragonflight

Well, Dragonflight is over and I'm exhausted. It was 3-days of gaming and about 30-hours of booth time. Leigh, unfortunately, was sick the entire weekend, so I went it alone.

Overall, it went really well. The attendees and all the other dealers were friendly. It had a different 'vibe' from the usual comic cons we attended in the past. Principally, once all the games started, the floor would be empty. Yet, when the games ended, there would suddenly be a mad rush of people all over the place. It was a little weird at first, but you soon got used to it.

Beth and Maria from Famine Lands were a huge help this con and were happy to watch the booth for me so I could take the occasional bathroom break. We also compiled a 'list of evil' to help pass the time. More on that later.

I was also next to the fine people from DragonDyne Publishing, who make the excellent Never When d20 system. They were likewise very cool and I shared my M&Ms with them.

I also had the opportunity to chat with Rob Carlos and his family. Rob is a great artist and a nice guy, so check his site out!

I also had opportunity to talk with Kira from Online Gaming Radio. We will be doing a live interview with them at some point, which I will definately forewarn you about. I will also practice my 'radio' voice, which is not markedly different from my regular voice, save that I pretend I'm wearing sunglasses.

Anyway, it was a good con and got to talk to a lot of very cool people. We made some new friends and got some good exposure for Wayfarer's Moon. I did have several fans come up to chat and it was great to meet them and hear their enthousiasm for the series.

Cheers,
-Jason

The 1st Nerd Games: Part 2

Before we get on with the blog, we have a very important announcement!

We will be appearing at the Dragonflight Gaming Convention in Bellevue, Washington, Friday through Sunday!

Leigh will be there on Friday and the pair of us will be there Saturday and Sunday. Additionally, for a modest fee, Leigh will be doing character sketches and I will be once again offering free sentences (I may charge for paragraphs). As always, we will be selling autographed copies of Wayfarer's Moon 1-3.

So, come on down and say 'hi!'

And now, back to the Nerd Olympics!

Frag and Flame
Many nerds are proficient at First Person Shooters. Many are also proficient at flaming noobs on the internet. Only a select few can do both at the same time. Athletes will have two computers, set-up in the configuration of their choosing. They must not only play a Team Fortress 2 match, but also flame a message board at the same time. Bonus points will be awarded for both killing sprees and driving everyone else out of the forum.

WoW Marathon
In this exciting team event, 5-man groups will raid a predetermined list of dungeons over and over and over. The last group still awake wins. Points will be deducted for wipes. Caffeinated drinks will not be allowed and players will be rigorously checked for doping, including sugar, hoodia, and whatever the hell they make Twinkies out of.

Talking to Girls
In this hotly anticipated event, nerds must do the unthinkable: talk to a girl and procure her phone number. A panel of judges will rate each athlete’s attempt, removing points for mouth breathing, sweating, pop-culture references (including superheroes, comics, anything with ‘Star’ in the title, anything in space or with swords, or anything to do with Japan), and inappropriate giggling.

Cheers,
-Jason

The 1st Nerd Games: Part 1

I was talking to one of my buddies today about the Olympics. We talked about when we were younger, playing youth sports, and dreaming of being good enough to one day represent our country on the world stage.

Well, he was dreaming about that. I typically just hoped that my school would someday finish better than 1 and 11.

NOTE: We never did. Yes, we sucked hard.

NOTE: For the non sports-types out there, 1 and 11 means 'one win, eleven losses.' I had to ask my office mate to make sure I got it right.

It then occurred to me that we nerds, though sadly lacking in any physical or social ability, had many other amazing and useful skills. Granted, ‘useful’ is debatable, but since when has ‘javelin throwing’ been really necessary in day to day life?

In thinking about this, I decided that we nerds should have our own Olympics. It was then that the Nerd Games were born. Here is my proposed list of events for the 1st Games:

Cyber Lair Setup
This event has a team of nerds attempting to set-up a basement, er . . . Cyber Lair, with a predetermined list of objects, including:

3 computers with dedicated network
1 smelly futon
23 random action figures
1 mattress
4 random posters (must include 1 Star Wars poster)
1 mini-fridge
1000 comics
2 crates of Cheetos
1 case of Moutain Dew

The team to set-up the Lair in the shortest amount of time wins. Bonus points will be awarded for alphabetizing the comics and putting the action figures in suggestive poses.

Tomorrow: Part 2!

‘Unlimited’ Olympics

The Olympics have been in the news a lot lately. The Chinese government has been busy tarting up Beijing with new buildings and trying to get the rampant pollution under control. They’ve scrubbed the streets, washed the trees, bronzed the plants, and had all the ugly people rounded up and shot.

Kidding! They just exiled anyone judged a ‘9’ or less.

With the coming of the Olympics, there has also been a lot of talk about ‘performance enhancing’ drugs and what to do about this apparently rampant problem.

NOTE: Beer is not a ‘performance enhancing’ drug. You just think you’re doing really well, but in reality, you’re throwing pool balls at the dartboard and your friends are too drunk to notice.

Many people argue, however, that since some athletes are doing it, everyone else has to in order to stay competitive. I say ‘Balarky!’ to that.

NOTE: Balarky is a word my friend Beth accidently used. It’s a combination of ‘balony’ and ‘malarky.’ She made the mistake of mentioning it to me, so I will now never let her forget it.

What we need to do is have an ‘unlimited’ class for everything in the Olympics. There’s the ‘regular’ class, where the athletes are drug-free and the ‘unlimited’ class, where anything goes.

Any drug, no matter what, is allowed in the ‘unlimited’ class. Body modifications are allowed as well. If you want to weld a shark fin to your head and stick an outboard motor up your bum, no one will care.

Not only will this solve the problem of cheating in sports, but it will give us some fantastic commentary as well.

Announcer 1: And they’re off! It looks like Smith, with his embedded roller blades, has taken an early lead!

Announcer 2: They say he cut his own feet off and then surgically attached them with staples and a hot glue gun!

Announcer 1: Now that’s dedication! Wait, Jones has lit his afterburner and is closing fast! He’s passed Smith! He’s into the first turn! He’s not turning! He’s crashed into the wall and exploded!

Announcer 2: Wow! That’s one for the replay loop!

Cheers,
-Jason

100th!

Happy 100th!

To honor the occasion, I made a special (wherein 'special' means 'without any art skills') comic to give thanks to our most frequent posters!

You guys wanted cameos, right? Here you go!



Obviously, I have no idea what any of you look like. Not that it matters, as you've all been rendered as stick figures.

By the way, Jacobus, you're upside down because you're in Australia (down under and all that).

Thanks a lot guys! See you on the forum!

Almost to 100!

This is something of a special week for Wayfarer's Moon. Tomorrow will be our 100th comic!

Leigh has been hard at work creating a special 100th page, which will be posted tomorrow. I will also have a special blog up, so come on back and check it out.

Not much to talk about. We had a rousing game of DnD yesterday, which had to cut somewhat short as a piece of pizza kicked my butt (gall stones).

To sum up: 100th page tomorrow! Blogs as usual!

Cheers,
-Jason

Orcs Have No Prom: Part 2

Basically, orcs are just guys that haven’t been around women in a really, really long time. It’s not really their fault, they just reveling in the fact that no one’s making them use a coaster.

On the other hand, orc women could be so mean and nasty that the guys will do anything to get away from them, even if it means becoming cannon-fodder for whatever Lord of Evil happens to set-up shop nearby.

Orc Woman: Where are you going?

Orc Male: Uh, I heard Sauron was hiring an’ thought I’d go apply.

Orc Woman: You’re not just sneaking out to party with your idiot friends are you? ‘Cause the roof’s leaking, the shed burned down, junior needs to be changed, and my mother’s coming for an extended visit, so you need to build a second outhouse!

Orc Male: Uhhh, no. I was just gonna go sack Minas Tirith an’ fight some humans an’ stuff.

Orc Woman: Minas Tirith?

Orc Male: Yeah, that’s what I heard.

Orc Woman: Then bring me something nice! You’re always going off to war and leaving me here all by myself!

Orc Man: Yes, dear.

Orc Woman: Now get going! And apply yourself this time! Maybe you can finally make sergeant! Burta’s husband made sergeant last war and look how nice their shack is!

Orc Male: Yes, dear. Can I go now!

Orc Woman: Yes!

Cheers,
-Jason