Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label evil. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

EVIL, Inc.: Part 2

Before I continue with this thread, alert reader Lyle pointed out to me that the Tet Corporation from the Dark Tower series is, in fact, not evil. I apologize for the mix-up. I never finished the series, but have a dim recollection that they were bad guys. I think I got them mixed up with the Sombra Corporation, who actually are the bad guys. So, thanks Lyle, for pointing that out. And for completely ruining the premise of my blog. :)

Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes. Kittens.

So, how come there are never ‘good’ corporations in movies? Is the idea that corporations are evil (pardon me, EVIL) simply engrained in our consciousness?

And if a corporation is shown as being the good guys, they’re one of two types: either an EVIL corporation in disguise or some paramilitary organization that assassinates people for the greater good.

There’s never a Kittens, Inc., whose mission statement is to ‘spread love and smiles throughout the world via the aggressive use of kittens.’

You never get this:

Rebel Leader: “All right, here’s the plan. We go in at midnight, subdue the guards, and then plant C4 throughout the building. Once we’re clear, we’ll detonate and take out those bastards’ entire power base!”

New Guy: “Great! What’s our target?”

Rebel Leader: “Those murderous scumbags at Kittens, Inc.!”

New Guy: “You mean the corporation that uses kittens to solve the world’s problems, one adorable whisker at a time?”

Rebel Leader: “But they’re a corporation! They’re EVIL!”

New Guy: “Ummm, not really. I mean, they could do more to combat poverty and disease in sub-Saharan Africa, but kittens aren’t really the best weapon there.”

Rebel Leader: “So what are you saying?”

New Guy: “Relatively speaking, we’re the bad guys.”

Rebel Leader: “Huh. Anybody know how to form a corporation?”

Cheers,
-Jason

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

EVIL, Inc.: Part 1

I have noticed a certain trend in cinema. No, it’s not that the serial killer somehow always manages to be in exactly the right place to impale the cheerleader with sharpened metal squirrel attached to a Slushee machine (though, obviously, I have noticed this). It’s that corporations are always EVIL. Not just evil, but EVIL. The kind of EVIL that would make Cthulhu wince and go ‘Dude!’

Just off the top of my head:

The Corporation from Avatar
The Weyland-Yutani Corporation from the Alien series
Omni Consumer Products from Robocop
The Umbrella Corporation from Resident Evil
The Tet Corporation from the Dark Tower novels (technically not a movie, but somebody’ll make it one day)
Wolfram and Hart from Buffy/Angel
Union Aerospace Corporation from Doom
Multi-National United from District 9

They’re always bent on either taking over the world or making as much money as possible, which more or less amount to the same thing. And when they accidentally create a virus/machine/garden tool that can be weaponized to kill millions, they go ahead and do it.

Now, I realize that I’m talking about the Corporations as if they were people, but they tend to pretty much employ wholly EVIL individuals as well. Take this scene from a movie that I just made up:

EVIL Henchman: “Sir, a box of adorable kittens was left on the doorstep!”
EVIL CEO: “And?”
EVIL Henchman: “I was wondering if you preferred a shish-kabob or a smoothie?”

NOTE: Just in case you were worried, the hero swept in and saved the kittens before they were eaten and made sure they all were all adopted by loving homes and given names like ‘Poopsie’ just after they taught a robot the true meaning of Christmas.

Tomorrow: Part 2 – The Iron Kitten of Justice!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Will Create Doomsday Weapon for Food: Part 2

You could try and sell your wares to established dictators and tyrants. The problem, though, is that by the time they’re established, they’ve probably already got an evil scientist or two already on staff. You’d just end up being the new guy who’s probably going to get blown up in an ‘accident’ involving a prototype gun that shoots monkeys-tipped sharks.

Ideally, you would find an overlord who’s just staring out. The question then becomes where, exactly, do you find them? Bars would be a good place to start, as would bail bondsman, mortuaries, or grocery stores (even overlords need to do their shopping). Once a likely candidate was found, you’d just need to introduce yourself and casually mention the whole ‘evil’ thing.

For example: a university mixer.

‘Hi.’

‘Uh, hello.’

‘Nice goatee.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I’m Dr. Manfred von Doom. I specialize in creating extremely large freezing rays and various other cold-based weapons.’

‘Umm, Bob Smith. I’m in insurance.’

‘Really? Evil insurance?’

‘No. Just regular insurance.’

‘Ah. Have you ever considered evil as a career? I mean, you’ve got that whole ‘evil look’ going.’

‘Are you hitting on me?’

Granted, you’ll probably get beaten up a lot, but it will all be worth it in the long run when you have a nice, shiny lab, a suitably deformed assistant, and access the most advanced brain melting technology on the planet.

Frankly, it would all be a lot easier if Monster just had a proper ‘evil’ section.

Cheers,
-Jason

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Will Create Doomsday Weapon for Food: Part 1

As someone who works in the computer game industry, I’m sometimes forced to ask the tough questions. How many hit points should a pink ponysaurus have? If one were to fire a cow from a cannon, how many pieces of cow would hit the target? If an alien spacecraft leaves Rigel traveling at Warp 4 and a spacecraft leaves Omicron Persei 8 at Warp 6.7, how much of the Earth could the spacecraft that arrived first vaporize before the other got there?

Yes, my lot is a hard one.

One question that occurred the other day was a much simpler one: how do evil scientists find work?

Seriously.

Let’s pretend for just a moment that you’re not yourself. You are, in fact, a scientist of the ‘mad’ variety. Yes, you can merely be ‘eccentric’ if you prefer, though you’re the kind of eccentric that likes to bolt bits of things to metal tables and then wave them around in thunderstorms, just to see what happens.
So, anyway, you’re a scientist sufficiently mad enough to want to build a doomsday weapon (or three). Now, you don’t really want all the tedium of having minions, building an empire, fighting off the forces of good, or doing your own laundry, so you want the next best thing: you want to get hired by an evil overlord and build doomsday weapons for him. That way, you get the big, flashy lab and don’t have to bother with the details.

There’s only one problem: how do you find an evil overlord to work for? I’m pretty sure Monster.com doesn’t have an ‘evil scientist’ listing.

NOTE: I did a search for ‘evil’ on Monster.com and only found one listing for a Parking Enforcement Officer. Not terribly evil, as far as I’m concerned. I did get 93 hits for ‘lawyer’ though (3204 for ‘sex’).

You could, of course, do something sufficiently evil to get noticed, but that might land you in jail with a lot of people much bigger and stronger than you. It would be like high school all over again (and nobody wants that).

Tomorrow: Part 2

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 3

So, I’ve gotten a few suggestions for the Complete List of EVIL, which I will now share with you. They have been added to the list in the slot I felt best represented their level of EVIL.

2. Political Pundits
Yes, they’re EVIL, but not really EVIL. They’re more like parasites, which though deserving of your loathing, are necessary in nature and stuff. No, I don’t really know what they’re necessary for, I was just making an analogy.

4. Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Now, I’m not really sure we can actually classify the Killer Rabbit as EVIL. It is (was) a killing machine, but so are sharks, weed whackers, and those spiny things that pounce on your head when you’re on the toilet. It might have been EVIL, but we really don’t know. All we do know is that it was capable of taking out a number of heavily armored knights and was inadequately protected against shrapnel.

10. Melkor
Yes, Melkor was ultimate EVIL in Middle Earth and was banished into the Void through the Door of Night. He was, in the words of a friend of mine, the ‘uber-douche.’

10. Really Good Web Comics That Don’t Update
Now, now, we can’t really call them EVIL. Sometimes (cough) people get sick or (throat clearing) lose their colorist. Now, if they didn’t update on purpose that would be EVIL, but for all we know, they're just on hiatus.

13. All Our Forum Contributors
Nah, they’re not EVIL, they’re just misunderstood. Really. Honestly, they’re a fine bunch of people and/or things with impeccable manners, spelling, and the highest standards of hygiene. I am specifically NOT saying this because they scare me. Nope, not at all. They’re all handsome and/or beautiful as well. Seriously.

Cheers,
-Jason

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 2

6. General Woundwort
Remember how I said bunnies weren’t EVIL? Well, there’s always General Woundwort, the mean, nasty, authoritarian rabbit leader from Watership Down. A book, I may add, that both thrilled and terrified me as a young lad. General Woundwart was such a badass that he fought Bigwig to a standstill and was only defeated by a large dog. The rabbits never found his body though and in later years, does would tell their kittens to behave, lest the General come to take them away. Yeah, when you’re name is used to frighten children, you’re a badass.

7. The Child Catcher
Some of you may be old enough to remember Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. For those of you who aren’t, well this won’t make much sense. The Child Catcher was in charge of catching children (obviously). He was, as far as my five-years old self could tell, the epitome of EVIL. When a guy pulls up in a brightly colored cart, sings a song about candy, and then imprisons you when you try to get some, that’s pretty EVIL.

8. Clown-Brides
I originally suggested clowns as being EVIL, yet Beth argued that brides were just as EVIL. Brides as in: women about to get married (apparently, she’s has a wedding next weekend and is the Maid of Honor). I figured that if clowns were EVIL and brides were EVIL, then clown-brides had to be the most EVIL of all.

And if you don’t believe me that clowns are EVIL, fear of them is a medically recognized ailment: coulrophobia.

9. Sauron
The big bad himself, Sauron came ‘that close’ to conquering middle-earth and destroying the world of men. Twice. He’s so EVIL he doesn’t even need a body, though he could use a really big bottle of visine.

10. The Source of All EVIL
If you may recall, there was a film called Time Bandits, wherein the villain was the Source of All EVIL. He was pure, concentrated EVIL and was intent on remaking the universe in his own image. He was also intrigued by digital watches.

Tomorrow: Your additions to the list!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Complete List of EVIL: Part 1

Whilst at Dragonflight, I happened to be placed next to Beth and Maria of Famine Lands. They also premiered at this year’s Emerald Con, were also at Spokane Con, and since have become ‘Con Buddies.’

Anyhow, it was late Saturday evening and the tide of con-goers had trickled to a mere . . . trickle. I noticed Beth and Maria giggling over something so I investigated. It turns out that for some reason, possibly the exhaustion of all involved, they had decided to make a list of EVIL.

Said list is rated from 1 to 10, with Bunnies at 0 as calibration. We assumed that Bunnies were as a group not EVIL. Yes, we are well aware that there may be some perfectly EVIL bunnies out there (which will come up later). However, they are, in general, considered to be non-EVIL.

Also, lower ranks of EVIL tend to be critters that are just generally EVIL, insomuch that they don’t actively plot EVIL, they just kind of are.

We also decided that non-sentient objects could not be EVIL as well. However, like the bunnies rule, this would soon be broken.

Here are the first five, as far as I can remember:

0. Bunnies
As discussed, they are the control group.

1. Maria
Yes, the Maria from Famine Lands. I don’t know why she’d put herself on the list, but I can only imagine it had something to do with a mallet, three ice-cubes, and 11-feet of silly string. So, yes, I have no idea.

2. Blue Meanies
From ‘The Yellow Submarine.’ They’re sort of like large blue blobs. They’re not terribly EVIL, they just work for a jerk. They scared the poop out of me when I was five. Literally.

3. Teletubbies
This was Maria’s idea. She has a small child and has apparently been inundated with Teletubbies. I chose not to argue with her (recall the aforementioned mallet).

4. Orcs & MySpace
Now, you may wonder why Orcs are so low on the list. Well, they’re pretty mindless. They just kinda ‘do’ EVIL. Sort of like teenagers. With swords. MySpace was again, Maria’s idea. Thought it violated the ‘no non-sentient’ rule, we decided to allow it because Maria is scary.

5. Mr. Warren
My fifth grade teacher. He seemed to delight in being a jerk. He gets to be #5 because I think he actually plotted said ‘jerkness.’ I have no proof, save my own suspicions and the fact that he made me lose the ‘three-legged-man’ race on the last day of school. Yes, I can hold a grudge.

Tomorrow, I will post the remainder of the list. Please feel free to comment with your own EVIL candidates. I will post those on Friday.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Evil Mastermind: A Career Choice: Part 2

The Lair is a very important place for an Evil Mastermind. It is not just a place where one plots, schemes, and goes the bathroom. It is a statement about who you are. A Lair says Hi, I am Evil and when I rule the world, this is where you will be sending all the money.

That being said, a Lair is perhaps the most important investment for an Evil Mastermind. Therefore, I have assembled some simple Dos and Do Nots:

Do: Lava
Lava is always in style. Not only is it a handy place for disposing of secret agents and incompetent henchmen, it also really cuts back on the heating bills. However, be sure to include adequate drainage in case a secret agent happens to reverse the flow or blows up the Lava Control Panel. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting killed by your own Lair.

Do Not: Skull-Shaped Mountain
While a classic, the Skull-Shaped Mountain is passé for the modern Evil Mastermind, if only for the fact that it screams EVIL IN PROGRESS HERE to anyone with Google Earth. Remember, you do not want them to know you are there until after you have taken over the world. If you must have one, put a big bow on it. This will confuse people into thinking your Lair is some sort of theme park.

Do: Pink
Pink is the new black leather with spikes. It shows you are an Evil Mastermind who is clearly comfortable with him or herself and is unafraid to break with tradition. It will also make some people not take you seriously, giving you additional time to perfect your pink disintegrator ray.

Tomorrow: Minions

Friday, June 22, 2007

Evil Mastermind: A Career Choice: Part 1

It has occurred to me that I might want to become an evil mastermind. It seems like a good career move. There is lots of money, cool gadgets, sexy women, and gigantic underground bases (often with lasers). On the downside, people will occasionally try to kill you, but every job has its drawbacks.

So the question becomes, how do you do this? My local Community College does not have any courses in evil, I checked. Not even Evil 1: Intro to Villainy. It does have a course titled Teen Movies of the 80s, which might count as torture, but I digress.

The primary requisite for being an Evil Mastermind seems to be money. This is a major stumbling block, as I can barely afford gum, much less a pit full of rabid, man-eating iguanas. The best I could do would be a bucket of used cat litter. While this is nasty, I do not think it would deter James Bond.

I do not think I could get a loan, as Building an Evil Lair would probably get a laugh out of the bank manager, but very little cash. Maybe I could turn to some sort of web-based enterprise, perhaps a web-comic. Yes, surely that is the road to untold wealth (hey, I can dream).

Up next: the Lair