Will Create Doomsday Weapon for Food: Part 2

You could try and sell your wares to established dictators and tyrants. The problem, though, is that by the time they’re established, they’ve probably already got an evil scientist or two already on staff. You’d just end up being the new guy who’s probably going to get blown up in an ‘accident’ involving a prototype gun that shoots monkeys-tipped sharks.

Ideally, you would find an overlord who’s just staring out. The question then becomes where, exactly, do you find them? Bars would be a good place to start, as would bail bondsman, mortuaries, or grocery stores (even overlords need to do their shopping). Once a likely candidate was found, you’d just need to introduce yourself and casually mention the whole ‘evil’ thing.

For example: a university mixer.

‘Hi.’

‘Uh, hello.’

‘Nice goatee.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I’m Dr. Manfred von Doom. I specialize in creating extremely large freezing rays and various other cold-based weapons.’

‘Umm, Bob Smith. I’m in insurance.’

‘Really? Evil insurance?’

‘No. Just regular insurance.’

‘Ah. Have you ever considered evil as a career? I mean, you’ve got that whole ‘evil look’ going.’

‘Are you hitting on me?’

Granted, you’ll probably get beaten up a lot, but it will all be worth it in the long run when you have a nice, shiny lab, a suitably deformed assistant, and access the most advanced brain melting technology on the planet.

Frankly, it would all be a lot easier if Monster just had a proper ‘evil’ section.

Cheers,
-Jason

Will Create Doomsday Weapon for Food: Part 1

As someone who works in the computer game industry, I’m sometimes forced to ask the tough questions. How many hit points should a pink ponysaurus have? If one were to fire a cow from a cannon, how many pieces of cow would hit the target? If an alien spacecraft leaves Rigel traveling at Warp 4 and a spacecraft leaves Omicron Persei 8 at Warp 6.7, how much of the Earth could the spacecraft that arrived first vaporize before the other got there?

Yes, my lot is a hard one.

One question that occurred the other day was a much simpler one: how do evil scientists find work?

Seriously.

Let’s pretend for just a moment that you’re not yourself. You are, in fact, a scientist of the ‘mad’ variety. Yes, you can merely be ‘eccentric’ if you prefer, though you’re the kind of eccentric that likes to bolt bits of things to metal tables and then wave them around in thunderstorms, just to see what happens.
So, anyway, you’re a scientist sufficiently mad enough to want to build a doomsday weapon (or three). Now, you don’t really want all the tedium of having minions, building an empire, fighting off the forces of good, or doing your own laundry, so you want the next best thing: you want to get hired by an evil overlord and build doomsday weapons for him. That way, you get the big, flashy lab and don’t have to bother with the details.

There’s only one problem: how do you find an evil overlord to work for? I’m pretty sure Monster.com doesn’t have an ‘evil scientist’ listing.

NOTE: I did a search for ‘evil’ on Monster.com and only found one listing for a Parking Enforcement Officer. Not terribly evil, as far as I’m concerned. I did get 93 hits for ‘lawyer’ though (3204 for ‘sex’).

You could, of course, do something sufficiently evil to get noticed, but that might land you in jail with a lot of people much bigger and stronger than you. It would be like high school all over again (and nobody wants that).

Tomorrow: Part 2