Will Create Doomsday Weapon for Food: Part 2

You could try and sell your wares to established dictators and tyrants. The problem, though, is that by the time they’re established, they’ve probably already got an evil scientist or two already on staff. You’d just end up being the new guy who’s probably going to get blown up in an ‘accident’ involving a prototype gun that shoots monkeys-tipped sharks.

Ideally, you would find an overlord who’s just staring out. The question then becomes where, exactly, do you find them? Bars would be a good place to start, as would bail bondsman, mortuaries, or grocery stores (even overlords need to do their shopping). Once a likely candidate was found, you’d just need to introduce yourself and casually mention the whole ‘evil’ thing.

For example: a university mixer.

‘Hi.’

‘Uh, hello.’

‘Nice goatee.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I’m Dr. Manfred von Doom. I specialize in creating extremely large freezing rays and various other cold-based weapons.’

‘Umm, Bob Smith. I’m in insurance.’

‘Really? Evil insurance?’

‘No. Just regular insurance.’

‘Ah. Have you ever considered evil as a career? I mean, you’ve got that whole ‘evil look’ going.’

‘Are you hitting on me?’

Granted, you’ll probably get beaten up a lot, but it will all be worth it in the long run when you have a nice, shiny lab, a suitably deformed assistant, and access the most advanced brain melting technology on the planet.

Frankly, it would all be a lot easier if Monster just had a proper ‘evil’ section.

Cheers,
-Jason

Things That Scare Me: Part 2

Insurance
Insurance is another one of those things involving numbers (the bane of all who major in English) that I do not understand. Do I have enough insurance? Do I have too much? Do I have the right kind? Am I insured in case giant monsters attack? That would really stink. Not only did a giant, 9-armed robot-gorilla-iguana smash my favorite gaming store, he flattened my truck as well. It would stink even worse if I was only insured against 8-armed robot-gorilla-iguanas.

Note to self: Check insurance policy to see if there is a Number of Arm clause for my giant monster coverage.

Second Note to Self: Find insurance policy.

Buying a Home
Yet another scary proposition, but not because of the whole numbers are evil thing. Rather, I need to insure that the house is haunted.

Yes, that is correct. I want to buy a haunted house. And not just any haunted house, I want blood running down the walls, phantom noises, malevolent toasters, the whole nine yards.

I find this desirable for several reasons:

1 Haunted houses go pretty cheap. It may be a 12-bedroom mansion, but if enough people have died in it, I might actually be able to afford it.

2 If the house is sufficiently haunted, I can write a book about it.

3 If said book does well enough, I can get a movie made and possibly go on Oprah.

4 All of this will enable me to make enough money to buy my true dream home: one haunted by Playboy Playmates and/or lingerie models.

Tomorrow: The Conclusion! Or Maybe Not! Mwahahahahaha!