The Complete List of EVIL: Part 1

Whilst at Dragonflight, I happened to be placed next to Beth and Maria of Famine Lands. They also premiered at this year’s Emerald Con, were also at Spokane Con, and since have become ‘Con Buddies.’

Anyhow, it was late Saturday evening and the tide of con-goers had trickled to a mere . . . trickle. I noticed Beth and Maria giggling over something so I investigated. It turns out that for some reason, possibly the exhaustion of all involved, they had decided to make a list of EVIL.

Said list is rated from 1 to 10, with Bunnies at 0 as calibration. We assumed that Bunnies were as a group not EVIL. Yes, we are well aware that there may be some perfectly EVIL bunnies out there (which will come up later). However, they are, in general, considered to be non-EVIL.

Also, lower ranks of EVIL tend to be critters that are just generally EVIL, insomuch that they don’t actively plot EVIL, they just kind of are.

We also decided that non-sentient objects could not be EVIL as well. However, like the bunnies rule, this would soon be broken.

Here are the first five, as far as I can remember:

0. Bunnies
As discussed, they are the control group.

1. Maria
Yes, the Maria from Famine Lands. I don’t know why she’d put herself on the list, but I can only imagine it had something to do with a mallet, three ice-cubes, and 11-feet of silly string. So, yes, I have no idea.

2. Blue Meanies
From ‘The Yellow Submarine.’ They’re sort of like large blue blobs. They’re not terribly EVIL, they just work for a jerk. They scared the poop out of me when I was five. Literally.

3. Teletubbies
This was Maria’s idea. She has a small child and has apparently been inundated with Teletubbies. I chose not to argue with her (recall the aforementioned mallet).

4. Orcs & MySpace
Now, you may wonder why Orcs are so low on the list. Well, they’re pretty mindless. They just kinda ‘do’ EVIL. Sort of like teenagers. With swords. MySpace was again, Maria’s idea. Thought it violated the ‘no non-sentient’ rule, we decided to allow it because Maria is scary.

5. Mr. Warren
My fifth grade teacher. He seemed to delight in being a jerk. He gets to be #5 because I think he actually plotted said ‘jerkness.’ I have no proof, save my own suspicions and the fact that he made me lose the ‘three-legged-man’ race on the last day of school. Yes, I can hold a grudge.

Tomorrow, I will post the remainder of the list. Please feel free to comment with your own EVIL candidates. I will post those on Friday.

My Christmas List: Part 3

A Solid Cat-Stance
I train Hung-Ga style kung-fu. I’ve been at it for a while now, yet can’t quite do a proper cat stance. I can get my thigh parallel to the floor, but I’m just not solid and comfortable with it. Oh well, with more stance training I’ll get it eventually.

Prime Rib
A nice 24-oz Prime Rib with mashed potatoes, bread, and some sort of vegetable that I’ll ignore, followed by a hot-fudge sundae. Yes, I know it will kill me, but sometimes, you just gotta go for it.

World Peace
It would be nice.

Merry Christmas,
-Jason

My Christmas List: Part 2

Someone to Please Explain to Me Why Halo is So Popular
I don’t get it. Halo isn’t a bad game by any means, but it’s not fantastic. I happen to be an FPS fanatic and I play ALL of them, even the weird ones that come out of Eastern Europe, so believe when I say it simply isn’t that great. It definitely doesn’t rank up there with Half-Life, Call-of-Duty, the original Unreal, or even Marathon, Bungie’s first FPS. I find it very confusing.

To Finish My D&D Campaign
I’ve been DMing a D&D Campaign for almost 14-years now and its getting really close to finishing (as in the entire story arch has been completed). It started in California with three players, moved over 700 miles to Redmond, WA and ballooned out to 7 players, with the three original players still participating. For non-nerds out there, finishing a campaign is the Holy Grail for a DM. Most campaigns peter out. It’s like what would happen if the Fellowship of the Ring got bored and gave up. Another couple of years and it’ll be done (I hope).

A Vacuum Cleaner That Will Pick-Up Cat Hair
Seriously. I have never had a vacuum that could pick up my cat’s hair. I have to rake the carpet to get it up, which defeats the entire purpose of vacuuming in the first place. Granted, that would destroy my excuse for not vacuuming, but even I get tired of having a crunchy carpet.

Tomorrow: The Conclusion

My Christmas List: Part 1

My mother has been bugging me to give her a Christmas List. This is part of our annual tradition. She wants to buy me things. I procrastinate and eventually name a couple things I would like. I typically name a few movies or albums, along with the ubiquitous ‘a nice shirt’ or ‘a sweater.’

This is all well and good, save that I am completely lying when I make my list. These are things that would be nice, but not necessarily things that I want. You see, I need to keep the list relatively short, reasonably affordable, and above all, things that she could actually acquire. Mom can probably get me a Jackie Chan movie, but the life-size model of Kate Beckinsale’s bottom is probably a bit out of her reach (she would try though, which is why she is such a cool mom).

So here it is. Things I really, actually want.

Pecs
I have, if I may be immodest, great arms. The rest of me is decent. However, the one thing I’m missing is a chest. I have no pecs. Despite thousands of push-ups, bench presses, and vats of modeling clay, I have nothing. My chest is like a black-hole. Exercises go in, but are never heard from again.

A Suit of Armor
Yes, I’m a nerd. I’ve wanted a suit of armor since I read La Morte D’Arthur in the 3rd grade. And not just any old suit, I want a battle-ready suit of Maximillian armor tailor made for me. I do know where to get one. I simply lack the many thousands of dollars it would take to get it made.

Tomorrow: Part 2