Tuesday, August 5, 2008

‘Unlimited’ Olympics

The Olympics have been in the news a lot lately. The Chinese government has been busy tarting up Beijing with new buildings and trying to get the rampant pollution under control. They’ve scrubbed the streets, washed the trees, bronzed the plants, and had all the ugly people rounded up and shot.

Kidding! They just exiled anyone judged a ‘9’ or less.

With the coming of the Olympics, there has also been a lot of talk about ‘performance enhancing’ drugs and what to do about this apparently rampant problem.

NOTE: Beer is not a ‘performance enhancing’ drug. You just think you’re doing really well, but in reality, you’re throwing pool balls at the dartboard and your friends are too drunk to notice.

Many people argue, however, that since some athletes are doing it, everyone else has to in order to stay competitive. I say ‘Balarky!’ to that.

NOTE: Balarky is a word my friend Beth accidently used. It’s a combination of ‘balony’ and ‘malarky.’ She made the mistake of mentioning it to me, so I will now never let her forget it.

What we need to do is have an ‘unlimited’ class for everything in the Olympics. There’s the ‘regular’ class, where the athletes are drug-free and the ‘unlimited’ class, where anything goes.

Any drug, no matter what, is allowed in the ‘unlimited’ class. Body modifications are allowed as well. If you want to weld a shark fin to your head and stick an outboard motor up your bum, no one will care.

Not only will this solve the problem of cheating in sports, but it will give us some fantastic commentary as well.

Announcer 1: And they’re off! It looks like Smith, with his embedded roller blades, has taken an early lead!

Announcer 2: They say he cut his own feet off and then surgically attached them with staples and a hot glue gun!

Announcer 1: Now that’s dedication! Wait, Jones has lit his afterburner and is closing fast! He’s passed Smith! He’s into the first turn! He’s not turning! He’s crashed into the wall and exploded!

Announcer 2: Wow! That’s one for the replay loop!



FotoFerret said...

The only rule for the Unlimited Class: You must stand on your own long enough for your national anthem to be played through. If you die 2 notes before the end of the song - medals shift down 1.

Jason Janicki said...

Ha! I like it!

Twiggle said...

It's like calvinball for grownups! Whatever anybody says, goes.

Jason Janicki said...

Oooh, good analogy!