Basically, orcs are just guys that haven’t been around women in a really, really long time. It’s not really their fault, they just reveling in the fact that no one’s making them use a coaster.
On the other hand, orc women could be so mean and nasty that the guys will do anything to get away from them, even if it means becoming cannon-fodder for whatever Lord of Evil happens to set-up shop nearby.
Orc Woman: Where are you going?
Orc Male: Uh, I heard Sauron was hiring an’ thought I’d go apply.
Orc Woman: You’re not just sneaking out to party with your idiot friends are you? ‘Cause the roof’s leaking, the shed burned down, junior needs to be changed, and my mother’s coming for an extended visit, so you need to build a second outhouse!
Orc Male: Uhhh, no. I was just gonna go sack Minas Tirith an’ fight some humans an’ stuff.
Orc Woman: Minas Tirith?
Orc Male: Yeah, that’s what I heard.
Orc Woman: Then bring me something nice! You’re always going off to war and leaving me here all by myself!
Orc Man: Yes, dear.
Orc Woman: Now get going! And apply yourself this time! Maybe you can finally make sergeant! Burta’s husband made sergeant last war and look how nice their shack is!
Orc Male: Yes, dear. Can I go now!
Orc Woman: Yes!
Cheers,
-Jason
Showing posts with label female orcs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label female orcs. Show all posts
Friday, August 1, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Orcs Have No Prom: Part 1
Quick question: Where are the girl orcs?
I’ve read The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillian dozens of times. I’ve seen the moves three or four times all the way through. I have killed, literally, hundreds of thousands of orcs while playing video games and DnD. I have even played an orc on a few occasions.
Yet, I rarely hear mention of the female of the species. Tolkien, if I remember correctly, said that orcs were tortured elves and that the orcs bred more when evil was strong. I cannot, however, recall a single female orc ever being mentioned.
Obviously, there have to be some around somewhere. They would have to be pretty tough and/or vicious as well, to survive both childbirth and frankly, other orcs.
This sort of explains a lot about orc culture in so much that they don’t really have one. Think about it: what do guys do when there aren’t any women around? They drink beer and watch football. If they’re without women for an extended period of time, it gets even worse. First the hygiene goes, then the trash doesn’t get taken out, the toilet doesn’t get scrubbed, and pretty soon, guys are building fires in their living rooms, painting themselves with mud, carrying sharp weapons, and following the Dark Lord.
Tomorrow: Part 2
I’ve read The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillian dozens of times. I’ve seen the moves three or four times all the way through. I have killed, literally, hundreds of thousands of orcs while playing video games and DnD. I have even played an orc on a few occasions.
Yet, I rarely hear mention of the female of the species. Tolkien, if I remember correctly, said that orcs were tortured elves and that the orcs bred more when evil was strong. I cannot, however, recall a single female orc ever being mentioned.
Obviously, there have to be some around somewhere. They would have to be pretty tough and/or vicious as well, to survive both childbirth and frankly, other orcs.
This sort of explains a lot about orc culture in so much that they don’t really have one. Think about it: what do guys do when there aren’t any women around? They drink beer and watch football. If they’re without women for an extended period of time, it gets even worse. First the hygiene goes, then the trash doesn’t get taken out, the toilet doesn’t get scrubbed, and pretty soon, guys are building fires in their living rooms, painting themselves with mud, carrying sharp weapons, and following the Dark Lord.
Tomorrow: Part 2
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