Quick question: Where are the girl orcs?
I’ve read The Lord of the Rings and the Silmarillian dozens of times. I’ve seen the moves three or four times all the way through. I have killed, literally, hundreds of thousands of orcs while playing video games and DnD. I have even played an orc on a few occasions.
Yet, I rarely hear mention of the female of the species. Tolkien, if I remember correctly, said that orcs were tortured elves and that the orcs bred more when evil was strong. I cannot, however, recall a single female orc ever being mentioned.
Obviously, there have to be some around somewhere. They would have to be pretty tough and/or vicious as well, to survive both childbirth and frankly, other orcs.
This sort of explains a lot about orc culture in so much that they don’t really have one. Think about it: what do guys do when there aren’t any women around? They drink beer and watch football. If they’re without women for an extended period of time, it gets even worse. First the hygiene goes, then the trash doesn’t get taken out, the toilet doesn’t get scrubbed, and pretty soon, guys are building fires in their living rooms, painting themselves with mud, carrying sharp weapons, and following the Dark Lord.
Tomorrow: Part 2
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The orc girls are mostly out in the forest, foraging for food. And when a band of 3-4 merry adventurers appear from the foliage, and the half-orc adventurer botches his reaction/diplomacy roll, they run straight back to the orc lair and warn the others.
Meanwhile the adventurers keep heading straight for the orc lair, which puts them on a collision course with one third of the orc warriors, sent out to deal with these intruders. Which they do with ease, since they not only outnumber the adventurers, but the leader for this little group also outlevels them. And could easily have outrun them as well, thanks to his barbarian speed.
This is why I'm a mean DM.
My first Dungeon, I made an orc's lair. It didn't start as an orc's lair, it started as an evil wizard's lair that used orcs as... well, they follow the evil guy, I guess. ;)
Anyhow, he died, and a couple years later everyone was so happy about it that they never went to see the blasted ruins of what was left of his tower after that experiment went bad. In come the adventurers, and they decide to go loot the place, there's *got* to be goodies in his basement.
Only, he was a smart wizard. Smart enough to know, you don't let the orcs on the carpet (much like dogs). They lived in the basement. Basements, actually, three levels underground, like your perfect dungeon.
The orcs had lived here for a while now, and that was their home. I had places for them to sleep, and eat, and... everything. The adventurers even found a nursery with baby orcs, and stupid me never thought they'd do anything but kill them.
There isn't any orphanage to speak of in medieval times, so the next adventure was finding out what to do with 20 or 30 squalling, evil (literally) little brats.
Oh, and they couldn't tell the difference between male and female orcs without looking... er, real close. I think that was the whole point of this, that maybe there *are* girl orcs, and you just can't tell. And I say, if they're *that* ugly, it's a good thing you can kill them with impunity, because all the paladins would want to spare them because they're 'damsels'. (That's kinda what got me into trouble, with them wanting to save the orc cubs, they figured they'd just killed men & women of an entire village. Hey, it was 30 years ago, I didn't have the long sighted views of RPing I do now.)
Heh. I love doing stuff like that. However, my players are now so used to it, they're ultra-paranoid about everything (even more paranoid than regular players). They won't blow their noses without scouting in a ten-mile radius, checking for invisible/ethereal/hidden things and communing with their gods to see if its okay.
That sounds like fun! What did they do with the kids in the end?
They set up a church ran, LG orphanage, next to a LG church dedicated to one of the players' deities. (Mind you, I'm paraphrasing, I don't think there even was LG back then.) They paid money to build it, and a chunk of cash for the workers who were hired by the curch, and pretty much set it all up. Then, the church found out how hard it was to try and convert CE into LG. The players were constantly asked for more loot. (The very first charity callback program?) Anyhow, it worked for a nice long time to suck cash from them. The plan (the players broke up and we didn't end up doing it) was for them to actually get aided at some future time by a LG orc, who finds out who 'rescued' him / goes to become a sidekick. Maybe even the whole orphanage would save the party's bacon. It would just be too cool-
"So, didja hear 'bout them adventurers?"
"The ones what were gonna be smashed by the big bad guy?"
"Yep. They was saved by orcs. Lotsa orcs.:
"Yeah- and I heard they want to get the Baron to give 'em a medal, too. Can you imagine them smelly things in the throne room?"
"Yeah, I don't wanna b around no noe what's friends with them wicked things."
Hehe- whatcha gonna do, when everyone thinks you're collaborating with evil orcs, but they're LG? I can see the paladin holding his head in his hands even now. ;-) Too bad it never happened.
Oooh, that would have been so much fun!
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