Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Our Enemy Revealed

So, if you’ve paid any attention to the news, my blog, happen to live in the Pacific Northwest, or are psychic, you’ve noticed that it is really, really cold up here. It’s so cold I even found a partially frozen ninja on my porch, a shinobi-cicle, if you will.

The thing is, it’s March. It’s not supposed to be this cold at this time of year. There is only one possible explanation: we are under attack by a mad scientist with a weather controlling device.

NOTE: It could be a merely eccentric scientist. I don’t actually know.

And I know where to start looking.

If you recall, some months ago, a Canadian goose took down a US Airways jet. Lives were saved only because of the actions of one amazingly badass pilot. Now, where’s the coldest place in North America that happens to be right above us?

I have no idea, but for the sake of this argument, I’m going to say: Canada.

It’s obvious when you think about it. Some Canadian genius, obsessed with destroying America (or possibly inconveniencing me), has bent his will to our destruction. His Attack Geese failed, so he turned to a much more insidious plot: lowering the temperature enough to make us turn on our heaters, and thus, raising our electric bill.

Back when the geese attacked, I volunteered to head a Female Science Action Team composed of models/scientists who would spend every waking hour doing science-y things while dressed in a variety of negligible and/or fanciful outfits in the hope of saving America. I once again offer my services to the people of this great nation.

I trust a call from the President will be coming in shortly.



Johnny "Mad Sci" Canuck said...

You have partially unveiled my master Canadian plan. Update more often, and on schedule, or the cold will continue!

Johnny "Mad Sci" Canuck said...

Oh, I almost forgot... Muahahahahaha.

That is all.

rikacmo said...

Also we got sick of this cold bullcrap and decided to export it. Here it's hovering around just-above-zero. Yay!

TX_Val said...

Well obviously it's global warming..

Wait, What?

Damn Candians.. .They should stick to exporting things like Shania Twain.


Tony said...

Jason, would you be one of the ones wearing negligible outfits?

Jason Janicki said...

Curse you, Canadian Fiend!

I don't blame you for wanting to get rid of the cold, I'd do it too.

I did not know Shania Twain was Canadian.

That's actually my secret weapon. If necessary, I will cross into Canada and don a pair of posing trunks. The searing white of my flesh combined with my sagging gut will detonate like a very, very small explosive thing. Yes, I would do that for my country.

Lisa said...

Why should we export pretty singers and keep the cold?

And given our climate you don't think we have lots of people with white legs and beer bellies? We have protection in the form of poutine.

Anyways if you're in the pacific north west then you forgot one thing, if you go due north you find Canada, if you keep going north along the coast you get to Alaska. I'd blame Palin

Sharon T Rose said...

Youse guys crack me up!

If anyone is to blame, I'd say it's someone from girlgeniusonline.com. Lots of loose bolts over there.