Our Enemy Revealed

So, if you’ve paid any attention to the news, my blog, happen to live in the Pacific Northwest, or are psychic, you’ve noticed that it is really, really cold up here. It’s so cold I even found a partially frozen ninja on my porch, a shinobi-cicle, if you will.

The thing is, it’s March. It’s not supposed to be this cold at this time of year. There is only one possible explanation: we are under attack by a mad scientist with a weather controlling device.

NOTE: It could be a merely eccentric scientist. I don’t actually know.

And I know where to start looking.

If you recall, some months ago, a Canadian goose took down a US Airways jet. Lives were saved only because of the actions of one amazingly badass pilot. Now, where’s the coldest place in North America that happens to be right above us?

I have no idea, but for the sake of this argument, I’m going to say: Canada.

It’s obvious when you think about it. Some Canadian genius, obsessed with destroying America (or possibly inconveniencing me), has bent his will to our destruction. His Attack Geese failed, so he turned to a much more insidious plot: lowering the temperature enough to make us turn on our heaters, and thus, raising our electric bill.

Back when the geese attacked, I volunteered to head a Female Science Action Team composed of models/scientists who would spend every waking hour doing science-y things while dressed in a variety of negligible and/or fanciful outfits in the hope of saving America. I once again offer my services to the people of this great nation.

I trust a call from the President will be coming in shortly.

Cheers,
-Jason