Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Think of the Australians

I watched yet another Discovery Channel show that cemented my plan of never, ever, ever actually going to Australia. This is because (and this is a direct quote from the show) Australia is the most poisonous place on Earth.

Now, I’m not saying that everything is poisonous, that would be ludicrous. I’m just saying that every other thing is poisonous. Frankly, there are spiders there that, if they ever got organized, could wipe out humanity.

These shows are full of stories like: “I was walking along, minding my own business, when a spider bit me and then my leg fell off. And then, as I was lying there, unable to call for help because my tongue had swollen to the size of a grungaloo and my ears were melting off, the spider stole my wallet.”

NOTE: A ‘grungaloo’ is a kind of squash native to Australia.

NOTE: Actually, I just made ‘grungaloo’ up.

So, you can see how I would be reluctant to visit, even if they let me stay in a tank the whole time.

Anyway, I can’t help but feel badly for the Australians. Their world is a nightmare wasteland of venom, where even everyday activities are fraught with danger. Every shoe, every garbage can, every box of pre-moistened towelettes is potentially a home for a dangerous, vicious insect who’s only desire is to sting you on the nose.

Australians have only once choice: they need to become venomous themselves. Fight fire with fire, I always say. Give the little buggers a taste of their own medicine. Once a few spiders start dying horribly after a random bite, they’ll start to mind their own business.

I don’t know how to do it. I don’t even know if it’s possible. However, I do know that if the Australian government gives me a lot of money, I’ll work on it with the same passion and zeal with which I level a character in WoW.

Well, maybe not with quite that much passion (or zeal). I mean, this is WoW we’re talking about.



Serial T. said...

As a proud West Aussie I thought I'd share the secret to living in Australia, 1.)Aussies are immune to Australian animal venom, 2.)If at all possible, just avoid the outback, it's actually easy to avoid. On a side note, the most dangerous animal in the outback at the moment is the 2 million plus wild introduced feral camels. Yes, I said camels.

Pyromannic said...

No, you were right the first time, EVERYTHING in Australia can, and will, kill you. Even the ants will chase you down if you look at them wrong.

"gunner" said...

just mind the bunyip and the drop bears

TX_Val said...

That's it Serial, I'm using 'feral camels' in my next D&D campaign.

For some reason that just struck me as so much fun to say today. I'm going to walk around the office warning people about the feral camel problem the aussie's have.

What probably makes that so great is.. my buddy's kids wanted to play D&D after hearing some of our stories. So I dusted off the books and we made some characters. The one wanted to play a druid and have an animal companion. Looking through the lists for a lvl 1 druid, I was like CAMEL.. that's what you need. There's some game flavor, I can keep saying it spits in peoples faces and gets your ass in trouble.

Now I'm going to have to throw in some feral camels.

Oh How much fun it will be to DM again.

On another note, didn't we screw with their eco system once and mess things up with bunnies and those little nutrient rodents?

:D /just saying

Kris said...

If you do end up engineering Australians into being poison-blooded, that would, of course, add another complication to the blood donation process. Compatible blood types? Yes. Compatible poisons? Err...I'm afraid not, this one doesn't even have poisonous blood.

To TX: I thought nutria were only a problem in the Southeast US?

Jason Janicki said...

Huh. I'll take your word on that Serial T. Now, if you could just get the feral camels to fight with the wild boar and the cane toads. Yes, I watch a lot of Discovery.

In all honesty, I would love to visit Australia. Do you guys have any big comic-cons down there?

Well, great. Now I don't want to go to Australia again. Thanks for the warning, Pyromannic! I shan't be fooled again!

Sound advice, gunner. I'll keep an eye out for them the next time I'm on a snipe hunt.

Feral camels is a idea, TX_Val. Now, if they were carnivorous, feral camels, that would be even better. And yeah, we completely screwed Australia up with introduced species (camels, boar, cane toads, rabbits, and probably a bunch of others I'm unaware of).

Good point, Kris. We'd have to come up with Australian Anti-Venom or something.

TX_Val said...

Yeah, those rats are eating our marshes, and they're huge. I forget that they were once used for pelts, I always end up thinking of them as mice.

Bunnies are what I was really thinking of. I know the bunnies were devastating. Hmm, never really thought I'd ever get a chance to say that line.

Unless referring to Monty python..
All together now..
"He's got huge, sharp... it can leap about... LOOK AT THE BONES"


Jason Janicki said...

You just made me soil my armor!

"gunner" said...

watch out for those snipe, they charge when they're wounded.

Jason Janicki said...

That's why I always hunt snipe with a .50 Barrett with an auto-shotgun as backup. You can never be too careful . . .

Toil3T said...

Yeah, them feral bunnies are the bane of the outback. Everything here is dangerous. Pratchett was wrong, even the sheep are deadly. You see a deadly spider run across the room. So what? There are probably hundreds in the shed.

And don't think you're safe in the water. That thing that looks like a fallen tree? It's a crocodile.

We have conventions, just not as many as the U.S.- and they're all BYO bug spray.

TX_Val said...

The sheep are dangerous? Oh the poor lonely farmers... Imagine a farmer with one wooden leg, and a tragic story of love lost. *wipes away a tear*

BYO bug spray? I hope they sell losts in Aussie land, because we American's have gotten all scared and won't allow you to carry more then 4 ounces of liquid on a plane, or finger nail clippers.

How will i fend off sheep without my clippers of Doom +1.

I think they'll frown on you carrying twin poison canisters on your back, when you try to board the plane.

Jason Janicki said...

Actually, I've heard you can get by with larger amounts of medication. I heard (through hearsay) that you can claim saline solution for contacts as medicine and get through with it. No clue if it's true or not.

I would love to go to Australia and do a comic convention. It would be an amazingly geeky thing to do.

"Yes, I traveled half-way around the world to a gorgeous country and then spent three-days indoors talking comic-books." :)