Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pink Eye

I woke up this morning and discovered that my right eye had been welded shut. I initially suspected ninjas, but then realized they were all still on vacation (Australia, some sort of ‘poison tour’). I eventually figured out that my eyelid was not welded, but merely encrusted by a good ½ inch of goop (which may or may not be better).

So, after prying my eye open, I discovered that the actual eyeball resembled . . . err . . . something really red. Honestly, I can’t think of an appropriately funny metaphor.

Thinking, thinking, thinking . . .

Wait! The Eye of Sauron! Yes. I discovered my eyeball resembled the Eye of Sauron, as it was all flame-y and I had a weird desire to kill hobbits (more so than usual, at least) and could control orcs. Yeah.

Anyway, I ended up going to work. I realize this was bad, but I honestly didn’t clue in that it might be Pink Eye ‘till about noon, at which point it was a bit too late. You see, my brain doesn’t really start to function until about 11:30, wherein ‘function’ is defined as ‘firing on at least half the available cylinders.’ This is why I avoid actual human contact until about that time, as I end up agreeing to help people move, buying insurance, and clicking on pop-ups.

I do wonder where it came from though. I mean, I always wash my hands after handling eyeballs and I haven’t had any direct eyeball-to-eyeball contact in a while. Granted, it could be some vast conspiracy consisting of the California DMV, the League of Left-Handed Elvis Impersonators, that guy at the bus stop, the elephants at the zoo, and some sand, whose sole goal was mildly inconveniencing me, but I kind of doubt it.

Then again, maybe that’s what they want me to think . . .



TX_Val said...

Pink eye? and you don't have kids?

Hell I thought only parents got that, well obviously kids too.

FERAL CAMELS... AH HA.. since the ninja's are away, it was not 'goop,' it was feral camel spit.


(looks around fearfully and whispers)

Jason Janicki said...

Feral Camels! Why didn't I think of that. Damn them and their water-retaining humps!

Amy said...

When in doubt, blame sand. I know I do (especially at the beach when it maneuvers its insidious self into places hitherto unknown to mankind.)

I have fortunately never had pinkeye. My brother did, however. Being the sensitive, well-mannered person that I am, I told him to carry around a can of spinach and tell everyone who asked he was looking for Olive Oyl.

Take care!

Jason Janicki said...

Thanks! It's pretty well cleared up, though my eyeballs are still a little goopy in the mornings. It's not really painful or anything, just annoying.

I was telling people that my eyes looked like that because I had just 'fed' :)