Think of the Australians

I watched yet another Discovery Channel show that cemented my plan of never, ever, ever actually going to Australia. This is because (and this is a direct quote from the show) Australia is the most poisonous place on Earth.

Now, I’m not saying that everything is poisonous, that would be ludicrous. I’m just saying that every other thing is poisonous. Frankly, there are spiders there that, if they ever got organized, could wipe out humanity.

These shows are full of stories like: “I was walking along, minding my own business, when a spider bit me and then my leg fell off. And then, as I was lying there, unable to call for help because my tongue had swollen to the size of a grungaloo and my ears were melting off, the spider stole my wallet.”

NOTE: A ‘grungaloo’ is a kind of squash native to Australia.

NOTE: Actually, I just made ‘grungaloo’ up.

So, you can see how I would be reluctant to visit, even if they let me stay in a tank the whole time.

Anyway, I can’t help but feel badly for the Australians. Their world is a nightmare wasteland of venom, where even everyday activities are fraught with danger. Every shoe, every garbage can, every box of pre-moistened towelettes is potentially a home for a dangerous, vicious insect who’s only desire is to sting you on the nose.

Australians have only once choice: they need to become venomous themselves. Fight fire with fire, I always say. Give the little buggers a taste of their own medicine. Once a few spiders start dying horribly after a random bite, they’ll start to mind their own business.

I don’t know how to do it. I don’t even know if it’s possible. However, I do know that if the Australian government gives me a lot of money, I’ll work on it with the same passion and zeal with which I level a character in WoW.

Well, maybe not with quite that much passion (or zeal). I mean, this is WoW we’re talking about.

Cheers,
-Jason

All Things Venomous Part 1

I am glad I live in the US. This is not for the usual reasons, but simply because there is a marked lack of venomous things that will kill you. You see, I occasionally watch the Animal and Discovery Channels and have learned that the rest of the world is full of creatures that are amazingly, incredibly dangerous.

Vietnam, for example, has something like 31 species of snakes. 29 of which are poisonous. Do not quote me on this (actually, go ahead, I will never know), as I was busy checking under my sofa for cobras when this was mentioned. I did not find any cobras, though I did find a dust bunny. I beat it to death with a mace, just to be safe.

Yes, I own a mace.

Now, some of you may think that I do not like snakes. Let me say that I do not hate snakes. I do not particularly like them either. I have a live-and-please-do-not-bite-me attitude as far as they are concerned.

I have known a number of people that had pet snakes and I do not get that. Snakes do not have feelings and cannot love you. I do not care if you kiss it on the snout and call it Pookey-Bear. To the snake, you are simply a meal that is currently too large to eat. Think about it. What if you were the pet of a giant, 20-foot hamburger? You would not spend your days scampering around its feet. You would instead simply want to eat it. If you are a vegan or vegetarian, insert the appropriate 20-foot foodstuff to complete the metaphor.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 to learn about Africa and the various things there that will kill you.