Vader’s List: Part 2

For Sale:
Blasters (21,153)
From: Stormtrooper D93744
Looking to sell/swap standard issue blaster for same. This one seems to shoot to the left for whatever reason. Would prefer one that shot to the right.

Misc. Weaponry (11,045)
Used Armor (75,982)
From: Stormtrooper I33604
Collectables! Remember that prison escape yesterday? The one with the Princess and the wookie? Well I have the helmets that the guys were wearing! Get your hands on these one-of-a-kind collectables! These are the only people to EVER escape the Death Star! Do not let this opportunity pass you by! FYI – Helmets smell like trash masher.

Lost and Found (822)
From Technician AD8372-1
MISSING BLUEPRINTS! I had a copy of the Death Star blueprints on my desk yesterday and now they’re gone. I would be in MAJOR trouble if anyone noticed, so if you happen so see them, please give me a call. They were stored on a standard memory unit with a kitten sticker on them. Last seen yesterday when that tour group of Bothans came by.

For Sale (5,324):
From Technician ZE4551-7
Vader’s Greatest Chokings! My and a buddy went through all the security videos and cropped together a montage of Vader choking people with the Force. This guy is definitely an equal opportunity strangler! See him choking officers, enlisted, stormtroopers, random guests, prisoners, technicians, and anybody else who happens to piss him off. 142 minutes.

Gigs (368)
Writing (34)
Labor (54)
Adult (10)
From Lt. Nilt
Stormtroopers of the Death Star Calendar. We will be issuing a tasteful, adult themed Stormtrooper calendar to help defray Death Star construction costs. If you are an attractive/well-built Stormtrooper, report immediately to Lt. Nilt, Level 29, Block C, Room 117 to determine if you are suitable for the calendar. This is an order.

Cheers,
-Jason

Monkeys With Darts

Vader's List Part 2 has been put on 24-hour hold, as work and things in general have been piling up. Instead, here's a little game that involves monkeys throwing darts at balloons. If you liked Desktop Tower Defense, this should be right up your alley.

http://www.gameshot.org/?id=1914

Enjoy.

Cheers,
-Jason

Vader’s List

So, there I was thinking about stormtroopers. I don’t really know why, but it’s something that happens with alarming frequency. I wondered how well they see out of the helmets. I wondered how they go the bathroom. I wondered if there were any female stormtroopers. And then, I wondered, where do stormtroopers go to get a date?

The answer, of course, is Vader’s List. It was originally named Kar’s List, but Vader force-choked him and took it over. Through painstaking research, I have managed to recreate Vader’s List from the Death Star for your reading pleasure.

Personals:
Women Looking for Men (0)
Women Looking for Aliens (0)
Men Looking for Women (8,381)
From: Stormtrooper X44871
Hi, I’m looking for a date to Wednesday’s Barn Dance/Public Execution. I’m into ineffective armor, bulky helmets, poor marksmanship, and Hummel figurines. Let’s square dance into each other’s hearts!

From: Stormtrooper J11832
Are there any even women stationed here? Hello? Anyone?

Men Looking for Aliens (3,735)
From: Technician TD8774-8
God, I am so lonely! I don’t care if you have tentacles, suckers, mucous-filled sacs, or vestigial wings, just call me!

From: The Stormtrooper of Love
I’m up for anything. I can blow open a hatch and ‘commandeer’ your ship. I can ‘detain’ you for having stolen droids. We can even have an ‘interrogation’ in the detention block. Come be my Bothan Spy! No wookies.

Missed Connections:
From: Stormtrooper S45831
Me, escorting a Rebel Pilot into Detention Block T188. You, removing a body with a turbo-lift. We brushed each other, our armor clacking, was I the only one who saw the sparks? I can’t stop thinking about you. The way you manned those controls, the way you pushed the arm back under the sheet, I was mesmerized the whole time! Call me!

Tomorrow: For Sale: Used Blaster

Cheers,
Jason

__________________________________________________________________________________

And just so folks know, Jason has had no internet access on Tuesday, and so I’m posting his blog entry for him. Thanks to those of you have been kind enough to give him advice on his video card problems, Jason will be responding once he can get back on the net.
Leigh.

Calling All Tech-Heads

I'm having trouble with my video card again.

My old card died and I bought a new one. I had few choices, seeing as how I'm running an AGP machine. I ended up with a Radeon HD 2600, but am having a few problems that I hope someone can help me with.

Initially, it worked fine most of the time, but would occasionally fail when I tried to run anything that changed resolutions (ie, games). The monitors (I dual monitor) would go black and then lose connection. They would start trying to restablish their connection with the video card and a window would pop up, showing them cycling between Analog and Digital.

So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to try and wipe the drivers and reseat the card (just to ensure it wasn't something physical). I reseated and replugged in the power on the card and then went about reinstalling drivers. I initially reinstalled the original drivers and then updated to the latest Radeon drivers (8.2, I believe).

I did this all on one monitor, thinking it would be easier that way and kept my second monitor unplugged. Once finished, I reattached my second monitor and now it won't 'recognize it.' Both monitors boot normally and I get the Bios info on both. The Windows XP screen comes up normally with the loading bar on both screens. Then, the second monitor loses connection and tries to restablish it, cycling between Analog and Digital. This wouldn't be so bad, but the original problem of switching resolution still remains. I've tried using both Windows properties and the Catalyst Control Center with the same results (both recognize the 2nd monitor, but I lose connection when I activate it).

So, I'm down to one monitor and still can't play anything. Does anybody have any ideas? The video card box recommends a 300-watt power supply and I've got a 330. I've got the latest Direct X (9.0c). I've tried switching the two monitors (so 1 is 2 and vice-versa) with the same result. In an ideal world, I would have both monitors and be able to game. I've tried lowering the resolution and a few other tricks, but to no avail.

Weirdly enough, WoW runs fine.

So, if anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Cheers,
-Jason

The Incredibles

I happened to catch part of the Incredibles on TV the other day and that made me realize two things: I hadn’t watched the film in quite a while and I really, really enjoy the movie. So, whilst out running errands today, I bought a copy and watched it again.

It was everything I remembered and with the special features, a bit more. The short ‘Jack-Jack Attacks’ is almost worth buying the DVD on its own. It details what actually happened between the babysitter’s frantic calls to Helen.

Anyhow, one thing that I really like about the movie is that both Bob and Helen (Mr. Incredible and Elasti-Girl, respectively) are extremely good at what they do. They were professional super heroes and as such can think on their feet as well as beat the snot out of people.

All too often in comedies, heroes (and dads, especially) are presented as blundering incompetents who win either by sheer luck or the intercession of another person. This is what I refer to as the ‘Hong-Kong Fooie Effect.’ This is when the hero is basically clueless and a long-suffering companion actually does all the work, but allows the hero to take the credit.

Pixar, instead, gave us two extremely capable, strong characters that complement each other very well.

My one complaint about the film is that I wish Violet had different powers. Force fields and invisibility are fine, but they’re rather passive. They’re very ‘old-school’ powers for a female character. Men were the powerhouses and women played the support role. Yes, the Incredibles mimic the Fantastic Four, but I never liked Sue’s power for those reasons.

Personally, I would have given Violet a much more aggressive power, but that’s just me.

Still, I love the film and will probably watch it a couple more times in the coming weeks. Kudos to Pixar for yet another fantastic film.

Cheers,
-Jason

I'm Just a Bill

The recent political news reminded me of a very important lesson I learned when I as just a lad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEJL2Uuv-oQ

Schoolhouse Rock. Half of what I know I learned from them :)

Cheers,
-Jason

A Conversation at Helm’s Deep: Part 3

And our heroes, errr, villains, orcs that is, arrive at Helm’s Deep.

Now, I know Tolkien was neither an architect nor an expert in castle construction, but putting a big hole in the curtain wall that allows the enemy to get beneath it is just poor design. I realize it was there so Saruman could plant a big bomb under the wall, but regardless, the nerd in me rebels at the thought. Moving on.

The Uruk-Hai were probably not scholars, given that they had been alive maybe a month and were most likely ignorant of the written word, but even so, when they looked up at Helm’s Deep, their first thought was probably ‘Damn, that’s a big wall.”

Their second thought was probably “And I’m on the wrong side of it.”

Their third thought was probably a toss-up between “How do I get to the back or the army?” and “I need to change my armor.”

And yet, they surged forward anyway. Maybe it was an innate bloodlust that drove them, maybe it was fear of Saruman. Maybe, just maybe, they had been told that the prom was being held inside.

Cheers,
-Jason

A Conversation at Helm's Deep: Part 2

And so, the Uruk-Hai go marching off to Helm’s Deep. This begs the question: how’d they know how to march? This leads to further questions, such as how’d they know how to fight? Frankly, how’d they know how to walk?

Now, I could be wrong on this account, but it only seemed like maybe a couple weeks between when the army was created and when it went off to storm Helm’s Deep. That’s a lot of learning to cram into such a short period of time. And it’s not like they were reading Sieges for Dummies on the way there.

For some reason, Saruman’s Big Pop-Up Book of Sieges sprang to mind. This made me chuckle (you pull the tab to make the boiling oil come out of the cauldron).

Yet, putting those issues aside, it took at least a couple days for them to get to Helm’s Deep. Maybe they marched in complete silence, but what’d they talk about when they made camp?

“Hey, where we go?”

“We go to fight Men.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, but bossy guy on tower said we had to.”

“Oh. What’s a Man?”

“Dunno, but they bad. Why else bossy guy send us to kill them?”

“Oh. Maybe we make friends with Men instead?”

“Why?”

“So we can ask them to prom. Me have corsage and everything.”

“Me think you hung up on prom.”

Note: I have no idea why the Uruk-Hai talk like cavemen. It just seemed appropriate.

Tomorrow: Part 3: Uruk-Hai at Helm’s Deep or ‘I’m just an orc, yes I’m only an orc.’

A Conversation at Helm’s Deep: Part 1

I happened to be watching The Two Towers the other day and during the Helm’s Deep battle, I started feeling slightly sorry for the orcs.

Sure, they’re smelly, vicious, evil, murderous, environmentally unfriendly, and they would probably not only kick a puppy, but eat it as well, but y’know, they were made that way.

If you think about it, they weren’t really given any choice. It’s not like Saruman stood at the top of Orthanc and said:

“Today we start our war against the Rohirrim! We will burn their homes and crops! We will kick their puppies! The ground will run red with their blood! And you will eat man-flesh!”

“However, I realize that some of you might not be interested in fighting. Therefore, all those who want to go to war line up at the east gate. No, the other east gate. No! That one! Look at where I’m pointing!”

“Now, for those of you who chose to stay, I have arranged for some something fun. The Dark Lord has obliged us by sending Urk-bar, Master Chef and Pâtissier to teach a class on how to make brioche. So please go down to the kitchen and give Chef Urk-bar your full attention.”

Pretty much, they were born (more or less), they got handed a sword, and were sent off to fight. They didn’t even get to go to the prom, for Pete’s sake. Actually, that’s probably for the best, seeing as how I don’t think Saruman got around to making female Uruk-Hai. Otherwise, it would have gotten weird:

“Lurg, would you go prom with me?”

“Sorry, Gark, me already ask Rart.”

“Oh. Okay.”

And, frankly, they were probably terrible dancers anyway.

Tomorrow: Part 2 – what do Uruk-Hai talk about?

Reviews

Hey all,

We're now up to page 77. Iri is explaining about spirits and soon there will be more forest mayhem for all to enjoy!

Also, we're looking to get reviewed and possibly interviewed. If you have review site, please let us know what you think. If you'd like an interview or any behind-the-scenes information, let us know at mail@wayfarersmoon.com and we'll do our best to accomodate you.

That's right, you could be the first get the scoop on what goes into making Wayfarer's Moon (mainly fajitas and coffee).

Cheers,
-Jason

Indiana Jones!

The new Indiana Jones trailer is out!

http://gizmodo.com/356366/indiana-jones-iv-trailer-makes-us-wet-our-pants

Harrison Ford looks pretty good for his age. I could have done a bit without the spoiler at the bottom (be warned).

Have a good weekend!

Cheers,
-Jason

Pets: Part 3

We had horses when I was a kid. I was, in all honesty, pretty ambivalent about them. They were very large, kinda dopey, and left gigantic piles of poop in the corral. Incidentally, dried horse manure makes a fantastic projectile.

Yes, we used to throw manure at each other.

I never really cared to ride horses. I always had the feeling that they were more or less ‘going along’ with what I told them to do. They could, if they so chose, take off in a completely random direction while I, as a small boy, could only hope to hang on and eventually reach puberty.

Horses, frankly, can and will occasionally lunge off in a random direction and there’s not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it. Even a 200 pound man isn’t going to be able to redirect a 2000 pound horse if it doesn’t want to cooperate.

My sister, of course, loved horses and insisted that I go riding with her. This resulted in me being bucked off no less than six times over the course of my life and being kicked in the head once. This, coincidentally, was the first time I was ever knocked out.

Now, I was going to blather on about the two sheep that my sister had as FFA projects, but I realized that I’d already gone into depth about that. My adventure with one of them, Houdini, is detailed in the blog entry with the unsurprising title, ‘Houdini.’

Cheers,
-Jason

Pets: Part 2

We did have cats, which were more or less my sister’s animals. They were all outdoor cats, as my mother patently refused to let them anywhere near her furniture. We left food and water out for them and petted them whenever they came round.

In return, they occasionally disemboweled some small, hapless furry thing and left bits in front of the door. I am told that shows that they love you. That may be, but late one night I walked into the garage and stepped on what might have been the remains of a mouse. I was barefoot. It went squish.

Let’s just say I had to wash the affection off in the sink.

My current cat is my first indoor cat. She’s a runt that was found by a friend on my old college campus and eventually made her way into my care. She is, quite frankly, nuts.

She doesn’t like anyone but me, poops on the bed when she’s mad (under the covers, actually), and is startled by any sudden movement, with ‘sudden’ being defined as ‘any.’ Some of the worst injuries I’ve ever sustained were incurred when I sneezed when she was on my lap. I once sneezed when she was on my desk. She decided that jumping onto my shoulder and leaping off was the best possible course of action. Let’s just say blood was drawn.

She was also my introduction to litter boxes. I assumed that you cleaned a litter box like you emptied your trash. When it got full, you emptied it. Some of my cat-people friends pointed out that this was incorrect and now I clean the box every evening. Frankly, the only things that get cleaned more often are my teeth.

Still, as much as I complain about my cat, there are those moments when she sits on my chest at night and purrs for no particular reason. That makes all the cleaning, trips to the vet, and hairballs worth it. Of course, inevitably, while she’s sitting on my chest and purring, a car door gets slammed, she gets startled and I end up lacerated.

Tomorrow: Part 3. Random critters I grew up with (horses and sheep).

Pets: Part 1

I have always had pets. I grew up in the country and so we usually had a whole pack of dogs and the odd cat, as well as horses, goats, sheep, and a variety of other furry critters.

As I said, we had both dogs and cats. If pressed, however, I would have to say I’m a dog person. I spent hours romping around the countryside with our dogs. We played fetch, and chased each other, and had the odd game of Battleship, which I generally won, though Muffin could hold her own (I suspect she cheated).

And dogs, frankly, are nature’s sidekicks. They’re the happy Robin to your Batman. The Speedy to your Flash. The Superboy to your Superman. The Aqua . . . did Aquaman have a sidekick? Was there an Aqualad or Kid Squid? If so, wow, talk about losing the hero lottery.

Anyway, dogs look up to you. It’s like having a best friend who’s somewhat dim and poops on the lawn. Dogs are perfectly happy, nay enthusiastic, to do whatever you want to do. All you have to do is feed ‘em, scratch their bellies and keep your shoes out of reach and you’re golden.

Tomorrow: Part 2

Anybody Need a Designer?

Hey all,

Wayfarer's Moon is moving along smoothly. We're up to page 75 and the action is heating up, what with the violent shrubbery and all.

On a more personal note, I'm looking for a new day job, so if anyone out there needs a game designer or a writer, reply to this thread or shoot me an email at mail@wayfarersmoon.com and I'll send you a resume.

Cheers,
-Jason

Cows With Guns

A funny little song and video sent to me by several readers.

http://www.cowswithguns.com/homepage.html

Enjoy your weekend!

Cheers,
-Jason

BMW Jealousy

I happened to be behind a Chevy Avalanche today at a stoplight and wondered what would possess someone to name a car that. While Avalanche is a really cool superhero name, it seems odd to name a vehicle after a phenomenon wherein rocks fall off a mountain and try to hit you.

Now, I realize that cars (and trucks in particular) need to have cool and macho names. This is why you’ll never see a Toyota Limp or a Chevy Castration. I also realize that all the really good names (Corvette, Mustang, or Cobra) have already been taken. That is why I have decided to come up with a list of new and exciting names for cars.

1 Ford Ginormous
2 Chevy Steroid
3 Hyundai Hubris
4 Toyota Salacious
5 Lincoln Tectonic Shift
6 Kia Body Shot
7 Rolls Royce Old Money
8 Jeep Lobotomy
9 Plymouth Unpronounceable
10 BMW Jealousy

And my personal favorite: The Subaru F$&k Yeah!

Car makers: I am willing to part with these names for a modest fee. Call me.

Cheers,
-Jason

Arrr, Let Us Plunder In a Socially Acceptable Way

I worry about pirates. Not that I’ll be attacked by them, but that they’ve become, well, pansies.

With the popularity of the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean movies, pirates have become mainstream. In fact, Disney now has an MMO based on the Pirates franchise (http://apps.pirates.go.com/pirates/v3/welcome if you are so inclined).

Pirates, it seems, are more popular than ever. Herein lies the problem. Pirates have been sanitized to protect the children. They are no longer the foul smelling, grog-guzzling, murderous bastards we came to know and love. Now they’re heroic fighters against evil. They have, dare I say it, morals.

Case in point, the Disney MMO does not allow you to shoot people. That’s right. Here’s a line directly off their website:

“The Pirate Code strictly states that pistols may only be used against the undead (Jolly Roger's Skeletons as well as those unholy creatures he has cursed), and must never be used against people –– be they other Pirates, townsfolk, the Royal Navy, or the East India Trading Company Black Guard.”

Apparently, pirates are now vitally concerned about the morality of shooting someone. Oddly enough, you can still stab people in the Disney game, which seems like a rather strange double-standard.

I am saddened by this. The thing that made pirates cool was the fact that they were outlaws. They ranged across the seas, stealing, fighting, and blowing things up. They knew perfectly well that if they were caught, they’d be executed, but they did it anyway. These were hard men.

Now, they’re kid-friendly and morally opposed to shooting people.

Unfortunately, pirates seem to be going the way of the ninja. Ninjas used to be silent, deadly assassins, now there are cartoons about them (In Naruto, an insanely popular anime, the young ninja hero wears an orange jumpsuit. I thought the idea was to blend in, not stand out like a street sign, but what do I know).

I guess I’ll have to find another group of vicious killers to idolize.

Cheers,
-Jason

Giants 17, Patriots 14, Zombots 0

Apparently, the Super Bowl happened yesterday. The Giants beat the Patriots, probably due to the advantage their great height gave them and the relatively slow-firing muskets employed by the Patriots.

Yes, I realize they are not actual giants and weapons aren’t allowed on the field (which would make it much more interesting if you ask me). You see, I have no interest in watching sports and know very little about the game.

I have never played football, other than touch or flag. I never really liked touch football as a kid. You see, I had the mobility of an ill sloth, so not only did I never get the ball, I was rarely able to actually tag anyone either. I was basically a semi-mobile obstacle, behind which the quicker kids (everyone else) could hide.

Football consisted of me running very slowly around a field, while the ball was tossed and moved around me. On the few occasions I did get the ball, I was immediately tagged and had to give it up. Oddly enough, this would parallel my dating life in high school.

The idea of football always seemed appealing. After all, for a kid obsessed with knights and dragons, putting on armor and running into things at (relatively for me) high speeds sounded like fun. I just did not get the rules. Apparently, you could not just run into people at will. You had to run into specific people at specific times. I did not get it. I still do not get it. During holidays, I occasionally watch a little football. I have to, seeing as how several members of my family are obsessed with it.

One of my brothers owns every piece of Raiders paraphernalia ever made. For Christmas one year, I considered giving him a human tooth and telling him it belonged to Howie Long. I decided against it, as he would realize there was no way I could afford an actual Howie Long tooth. A Howie Long used sweatsock I could manage (with a home equity loan), but not body parts. I checked.

I can manage about 20-minutes of a football game. I always root for the linemen, regardless of who is on the field. This tends to irk other people, who prefer to root for a particular team. The linemen are my team. They are the big, lumbering guys who chase around the quarterback (ie, the popular kid) and don’t get to date the cheerleaders (ie, the popular girls). Every time a quarterback gets sacked, a burly guy gets a date.

It’s true.
Cheers,
-Jason

But Planet Basketball is Peaceful!

And now, for Link Friday, an oldie, but a goodie: Hardware Wars!

The first and still one of the best Star Wars parodies.

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7p96aiE32k
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UVVBctvylU

Cheers,
-Jason